Showing posts with label Gabe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gabe. Show all posts
Monday, January 14, 2019
Monday, July 2, 2018
6.28.18
I'm sitting on a tiny bench in a love little oasis. A fountain in the pond burbles cheerfully. The sun is hot but a light breeze ruffles my hair. At my feet are flowers. In front of me is a birdbath. There are few toys scattered nearby.
It's a beautiful place, but it's a sad beauty.
The bench sits near the headstone commemorating too many babies gone to soon, including my Gabe. I find small comfort that I can visit this pretty place and do a tiny thing for the child I planned to do so much more for.
Two years ago you left us. I miss you, sweet baby boy.
It's a beautiful place, but it's a sad beauty.
The bench sits near the headstone commemorating too many babies gone to soon, including my Gabe. I find small comfort that I can visit this pretty place and do a tiny thing for the child I planned to do so much more for.
Two years ago you left us. I miss you, sweet baby boy.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Updates and THE BOOK!!!
Life has been SOOOO busy! The book is coming out TOMORROW! I can't believe it, it's so surreal! The book is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Black Rose Writing NOW! We'll be going live on Facebook tomorrow at 8:00 pm EST to do a reading, talk about the book, answer questions, and do a giveaway of an autographed copy of the book!
So exciting!
Live has been very busy! Time is short, so I'll stick to some photos for now!
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| Take cover! The book is here! |
Our Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/positivevoice02/
Our book blog: https://www.wordpress.com/positivevoicewrites
The book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Edge-My-World-Kelly-Backus/dp/1612969046/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499814715&sr=8-1&keywords=on+the+edge+of+my+world
Live has been very busy! Time is short, so I'll stick to some photos for now!
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| AJ wasn't a big fan of the noise of fireworks, so he wore my headphones |
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| On the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, I went to the cemetery and left a little rock with his name on it. <3 |
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| The boys have discovered sprinklers and water balloons. They're in love! |
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Dear Gabriel
Dear Gabriel,
Today I should be holding you in my arms.
Well, logically I know you'd have been born before today. Since your brother Tyler was an almost failed induction (and a three month recovery from the "success") and your brother AJ was born via C-Section, we were going to schedule your birth. But still, by today you would have been here with all of us. And you're not, which makes Mommy very sad today.
My little boy. In the months since you had to leave us, I've thought of you every day. I've watched other mommies as their time came near and now I've watched as they brought their sweet babies into the world. I'm so happy for them, but it's a sad reminder that you and I will never share that moment.
I am so grateful for the time we had together. You were such a surprise to me, I really wasn't expecting for you to come into my life when you did. You were a gift for me, the day before Mother's Day. It seemed meant to be! For the first time, I got to surprise our family with the news that you were coming. Daddy laughed, Gaga screamed, and Aunt G cried! Your big brother helped me make little owl crafts--one from Tyler, one from AJ, and one from you. We gave them to your Gaga for Mother's Day to tell her about you.
I carried you for just 11 and a half weeks. That doesn't seem so long, and it seems unfair that it was your entire lifetime. I'm so sorry for that. I feel as though I failed you, that my body failed us both. I wish I could have done more to keep you here.
You were strong, my Gabe. Everyone said so. When your life was threatened at 8 weeks, everyone said you were strong to still be with us then. And I'm so glad I got to see you. Four times I got to see you on the screen, watch your little heart beating--so fast! Your Daddy and I got to see you wave your arms and even nodd your head! It was a special moment, and one I cherish, so thank you for that. I know in the end, it was just too much.
We miss you, Gabe. Mommy misses you. Daddy and Gaga and Tyler and AJ and Aunt Chall and Aunt G, we all miss you. People knew about you. I tried to make sure of that. You were loved, you will always be loved.
Thank you for coming into my life, however briefly. I will always remember you and love you. As the boys grow older, I'll remind them that they had another brother. They will know you. I'll show them the little purple box (sorry, I didn't know you were a boy when I bought it and you know I love purple) and it's contents. They'll know of you as I know of your Aunt Nicky.
Watch over us with her and Butterfly, will you?
Love you always, to the moon and back.
Mommy
Today I should be holding you in my arms.
Well, logically I know you'd have been born before today. Since your brother Tyler was an almost failed induction (and a three month recovery from the "success") and your brother AJ was born via C-Section, we were going to schedule your birth. But still, by today you would have been here with all of us. And you're not, which makes Mommy very sad today.
My little boy. In the months since you had to leave us, I've thought of you every day. I've watched other mommies as their time came near and now I've watched as they brought their sweet babies into the world. I'm so happy for them, but it's a sad reminder that you and I will never share that moment.
I am so grateful for the time we had together. You were such a surprise to me, I really wasn't expecting for you to come into my life when you did. You were a gift for me, the day before Mother's Day. It seemed meant to be! For the first time, I got to surprise our family with the news that you were coming. Daddy laughed, Gaga screamed, and Aunt G cried! Your big brother helped me make little owl crafts--one from Tyler, one from AJ, and one from you. We gave them to your Gaga for Mother's Day to tell her about you.
I carried you for just 11 and a half weeks. That doesn't seem so long, and it seems unfair that it was your entire lifetime. I'm so sorry for that. I feel as though I failed you, that my body failed us both. I wish I could have done more to keep you here.
You were strong, my Gabe. Everyone said so. When your life was threatened at 8 weeks, everyone said you were strong to still be with us then. And I'm so glad I got to see you. Four times I got to see you on the screen, watch your little heart beating--so fast! Your Daddy and I got to see you wave your arms and even nodd your head! It was a special moment, and one I cherish, so thank you for that. I know in the end, it was just too much.
We miss you, Gabe. Mommy misses you. Daddy and Gaga and Tyler and AJ and Aunt Chall and Aunt G, we all miss you. People knew about you. I tried to make sure of that. You were loved, you will always be loved.
Thank you for coming into my life, however briefly. I will always remember you and love you. As the boys grow older, I'll remind them that they had another brother. They will know you. I'll show them the little purple box (sorry, I didn't know you were a boy when I bought it and you know I love purple) and it's contents. They'll know of you as I know of your Aunt Nicky.
Watch over us with her and Butterfly, will you?
Love you always, to the moon and back.
Mommy
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Wave of Light
In June of 2011, I had a miscarriage. A tiny baby I think of as Butterfly flitted in and out of my life in a matter of days. And suddenly I was the one in four women that has lost a child.
This year I experienced that pain again. This time I carried my sweet little boy Gabriel Wyatt beneath my own heart for 11 weeks and 3 days before we found out his own tiny heart had stopped. This was a familiar pain, but in a far more profound way than I had experienced it before.
Today, participating in the Wave of Light, I remember both of the babies that I'll never hold in my arms. Tonight I said a prayer for them, and for all the sweet children gone far too soon. May comfort come to all those who light their candles tonight.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
The memorial
Sunday was the Memorial of Ashes. The hospital where I had my D&C is one of several in our area that offers an option of communal burial of ashes of miscarried babies. They have a service twice a year and invite the families that have had a loss to attend. The nurses told me about it the day of my D&C and asked if we would like to have an invitation sent to us. I said yes immediately.
(Side note: I never got an invitation (story of my LIFE), so I called the hospital last week and the rushed to send me one).
We decided we would all go (Mom, Adam and I, the kids, and my sister Michelle). It was very nice. It was held at the funeral home at a local cemetery. They had a large room set up with chairs. At the back of the room were several tables. We were immediately offered a program, and they gave each of the boys a brightly colored paper sack with a few little toys and a sucker, which I thought was both thoughtful AND smart. There were also strips of ribbon that you could write messages on, which would later bed tied to two wreaths they would take out to the memorial site. Each of us took a ribbon and wrote a little message to our baby boy. There were also tables with cookies and water at the back of the room.
We took seats and waited for the service to begin. While we waited, a woman was playing the violin, which was lovely. The service was only 20-30 minutes at the most. They recited a poem and there were some readings. I don't remember much. I alternated between bring brought to tears when a particular phrase would resonate with me, and turning my attention to the kids. I didn't regret having them with me for a second, as it helped to be reminded I still have them. Tyler shed a few tears too, poor thing. But the boys were very well behaved, in fact all the children present were.
On particular thing they said that hit me hard had something to do with the fact that our relationships with our lost children haven't ended, they have just changed. That made me cry in particular. I guess it's been awhile and I'd moved on, but this brought me back to the grief that will never really go away. And that's okay. I let myself feel it, but I don't feel that it's swallowed me back up.
At the end of the service, they invited the guests up to tie our ribbons on the wicker wreaths and they gave out carnations to put at the memorial site or take home. Then we all filed outside and walked across the cemetery. I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures inside, but I did snap a few at the site.
At the site itself, there was a large headstone with a statue on top of a little girl and a lamb. Behind the headstone is a stone bird bath. The funeral director took the top off of the bird bath and placed the wooden box that contained the ashes of all our little babies over the stand, which had a hole in the center. The box had a latch on the bottom so they were able to pour the ashes into the base of the bird bath through the bottom of the box. It's sort of hard to explain, but that's the best I can do.
The read a few more statements and a lady sang a song I didn't recognize and then they said we were free to go, or stay and talk, they even had grief counselors available. It was a very nice service and I think it's wonderful that the hospital offers something like that. They will provide the babies remains to the family if requested, for a private service (which we all know just isn't a viable financial option for most people) but it's so wonderful to have a second option, particularly one where the families can be involved. And I'm glad I now will have a place to go when I'm thinking about my little boy. I grew up going to the cemetery to my sister's grave, and I always was grateful we were close by, since I didn't know her and don't have memories of her in other places. It's the same with my son, if I want to be physically close to him, I can visit the memorial. I am glad for that.
Finally, I think it's time to share that we picked a name for our little boy. He is Gabriel Wyatt. My little Gabe. Mama love you.
Here are the pictures I took. I will try to go back sometime when there isn't so many people.
(Side note: I never got an invitation (story of my LIFE), so I called the hospital last week and the rushed to send me one).
We decided we would all go (Mom, Adam and I, the kids, and my sister Michelle). It was very nice. It was held at the funeral home at a local cemetery. They had a large room set up with chairs. At the back of the room were several tables. We were immediately offered a program, and they gave each of the boys a brightly colored paper sack with a few little toys and a sucker, which I thought was both thoughtful AND smart. There were also strips of ribbon that you could write messages on, which would later bed tied to two wreaths they would take out to the memorial site. Each of us took a ribbon and wrote a little message to our baby boy. There were also tables with cookies and water at the back of the room.
We took seats and waited for the service to begin. While we waited, a woman was playing the violin, which was lovely. The service was only 20-30 minutes at the most. They recited a poem and there were some readings. I don't remember much. I alternated between bring brought to tears when a particular phrase would resonate with me, and turning my attention to the kids. I didn't regret having them with me for a second, as it helped to be reminded I still have them. Tyler shed a few tears too, poor thing. But the boys were very well behaved, in fact all the children present were.
On particular thing they said that hit me hard had something to do with the fact that our relationships with our lost children haven't ended, they have just changed. That made me cry in particular. I guess it's been awhile and I'd moved on, but this brought me back to the grief that will never really go away. And that's okay. I let myself feel it, but I don't feel that it's swallowed me back up.
At the end of the service, they invited the guests up to tie our ribbons on the wicker wreaths and they gave out carnations to put at the memorial site or take home. Then we all filed outside and walked across the cemetery. I didn't feel comfortable taking pictures inside, but I did snap a few at the site.
At the site itself, there was a large headstone with a statue on top of a little girl and a lamb. Behind the headstone is a stone bird bath. The funeral director took the top off of the bird bath and placed the wooden box that contained the ashes of all our little babies over the stand, which had a hole in the center. The box had a latch on the bottom so they were able to pour the ashes into the base of the bird bath through the bottom of the box. It's sort of hard to explain, but that's the best I can do.
The read a few more statements and a lady sang a song I didn't recognize and then they said we were free to go, or stay and talk, they even had grief counselors available. It was a very nice service and I think it's wonderful that the hospital offers something like that. They will provide the babies remains to the family if requested, for a private service (which we all know just isn't a viable financial option for most people) but it's so wonderful to have a second option, particularly one where the families can be involved. And I'm glad I now will have a place to go when I'm thinking about my little boy. I grew up going to the cemetery to my sister's grave, and I always was grateful we were close by, since I didn't know her and don't have memories of her in other places. It's the same with my son, if I want to be physically close to him, I can visit the memorial. I am glad for that.
Finally, I think it's time to share that we picked a name for our little boy. He is Gabriel Wyatt. My little Gabe. Mama love you.
Here are the pictures I took. I will try to go back sometime when there isn't so many people.
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| "What the heart has once known it shall never forget." |
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| "My Precious Innocence. You are part of me and will lie in my heart forever. i will always remember you. This memorial is dedicated to all children regardless of their age." |
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| One of the wreaths with the ribbons bearing messages from the grieving families. |
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| The birdbath |
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