SURPRISE!!!!

Yes, that's right, BABY NUMBER 3!!!

I still can't really believe it.  It's still sinking in, for sure.  By the way, I'm writing this Monday, May 9th, two days after I found out.  This will be published at a later date, and I'm sure there will be updates at the end. But I wanted to document this before I forget any details, because pregnancy brain is REAL!

So I'll start off by saying my cycles have changed a lot since I had AJ.  For the past 6 months, my cycles have only been 26-27 days. And I hadn't had a ton of success pin pointing ovulation. I had actually been starting to think I was probably ovulating too late in my cycle to get pregnant on my own.  But we were so busy, we basically had been sort of trying/not preventing.  I figured once the house was ready we would start focusing more on it.

So I wasn't really focused on my period, but I knew it was probably due around the end of the week before Mother's Day.  By the end of the week, a thought had entered the back of my head, but I still really didn't think much of it.  I had looked at my tracking app earlier in the week and it had predicted I would start Saturday, but it's usually more optimistic than I am, and usually I beat it to the punch.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. My brain started whirring and so I got up and went to the bathroom, because I knew there was only one way to stop thinking about it.  The trouble was, I'm not in the habit of keeping pregnancy tests around and the only ones I had were from an auction Adam bought, and they'd expired in June 2015. I figured it would be negative anyway, so why not use it up?

Except it wasn't. I never look at my tests while they are processing--the whole "a watched pot never boils" thing....so I fiddled around in the semi-darkness, eventually counting to 120 so I knew three minutes has passed. I flipped on the light and there were two solid lines staring back at me. I think I whispered oh my god a bunch of times, but I was also reminding myself that the test was EXPIRED and therefore unreliable.  I snapped a picture with my phone and hid the evidence, then when back to bed. I used my phone to post a picture on my facebook group with my old Infertility buddies.  Their consensus was it was probably positive, but to get some more tests ASAP!

Now, I have had a BFP (big fat positive) three times before this.  With the boys, of course, and with my miscarriage in 2011. And each time, we had been really trying to get pregnant and Adam always knew when it would be time to test. This time, I had a slight edge. This time, it would be a surprise.  So I didn't say anything and acted casual. He needed to finish mowing the grass, so I was going to run errands with the boys by myself, then he was going to meet us for lunch and we would go to the hardware store to pick up somethings. So I had the perfect opportunity to buy pregnancy tests in secret.  I bought an 88 cent test to take that afternoon and a package of First Response.

After all of our running, I got the boys settled and Adam went upstairs to work on installing our closet doors.  I slipped back out to the van and grabbed the bag with the tests.  I put the First Responses and the box for the cheap test in my purse and took the test downstairs to the bathroom.  The test showed up positive right away!  I had a little moment by myself there.  It was really true.  And we weren't even trying hard. Somehow, on the day before Mother's Day, when there was only ONE possible day it could have happened, here I was, pregnant.

No doubt about it!

So now I had news to tell.  I planned on telling everyone together on Sunday, revealing it to mom through her present.  I had bought a kit of little foam owl crafts for Tyler to make her for Mother's Day/her birthday (her birthday fell on Mother's Day this year). So after AJ was napping, I took Tyler upstairs and told him the news!  We've talked about it before, and his friend Luke's mom is expecting, so he knew what it was about and was excited!  He won't stop talking about how he hopes it's a girl because we don't have any girls!

So Tyler made an owl for Gaga and I make two more. On the backs, we put the boys' names and on the third, I wrote "Baby #3, January 2017".  Later we were hanging around downstairs and Adam said, "Aren't you supposed to get your period pretty soon?" I tried to play it cool, casually checking my phone, looking at my app.  "Yeah, probably today or tomorrow." I said.  So he said we should play around that night, because he thinks that makes my period come. Uh oh. I decided I had better tell him. So I said I wanted to go up and see the new closet doors he'd hung. I snuck the test out of my purse and into my pocket and went upstairs. He came up after and so did my mom.  We looked at the doors and then mom when back downstairs. I closed the door and pulled out the test. I don't even remember if I said anything. He just started laughing and we hugged and laughed about how it only took once this time around!  I think he said are you kidding or are you serious or something.  LOL Then he admitted that he'd gone to get a receipt out of my purse and seen the box of tests. He thought I was going to test though, he had no idea I already knew!

So I still planned on telling my mom Sunday, but Adam started saying we should go ahead and tell her. I didn't need much convincing!  So I went upstairs and wrapped up the owls and gave Tyler the package. We took it to her and said, "Tyler made this and he didn't want to wait to give it to you." She opened in and oohed and ahhed over the owls. Then I told her he'd put his name on the back. The first one she turned over was the one that said baby.  She looked at me and then back at it and back at me. "Are you pregnant?" I nodded.  "Are you really?!" Then she screamed and jumped up and hugged me. Michelle came in too and everybody was talking and laughing and I was telling them about the whole day.  It was great!

Our family of owls

With the new addition!

On Sunday Angie came over and we showed her the owls too.  She BURST into tears!!  I was surprised, she'd never gotten so teary before, but she said it was because she wasn't expecting it.  It was really sweet!

So that's it for now!  I'm 4 weeks and 2 days according to my last period, but my guess is that I might be a couple of days further along than that. I don't know exactly when I ovulated. My OPK was close to positive on day 12, and less so on day 13, and I pretty sure it wasn't positive on day 11 (which is the day we conceived), so I don't know, somewhere around there.  I don't even have a doctor's appointment yet.  I called my OBs office but they haven't called back yet. I have a call into my rheumatologist too, just to be sure there isn't anything I should be aware of, given my lupus. I know my medication is safe to take.

So as of now, I'm due around January 14th. Given my history and previous C-Section, I will just schedule this one, which is kind of a relief.

What a ride this will be! Goals before baby number 3 arrives: Finish the house, sell it, move, and potty train AJ!  God help me! :-)

UPDATES:
 
WOW, I wrote this over a month ago!  A lot has been happening!  Tomorrow is my first Doctor's appointment. I will also have an ultrasound.  It's not my first ultrasound, however.  This post will get very very long if I tell the whole story, so it will get it's own post that I will publish in a day or so. Last Monday night (June 6th), I suddenly started bleeding.  I went to the ER and long story short, blessedly baby is okay!  The ultrasound showed the baby with a strong heartbeat (185) and actually measuring ahead at 9 weeks (by my last period I would have been 8 weeks, 3 days then).  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH). It was SUPER scary, but they aren't uncommon.  I was instructed to take it easy, NO lifting more than 10 lbs (no more picking up AJ), and put on pelvic rest.  We were SO relieved!

Symptoms: Morning sickness started about a week after we found out (BOO!). Also major gas (sorry), sore breasts, serious fatigue and many many food aversions.  I'm just hoping and praying these subside at some point, since with Tyler they really never did.  No throwing up yet, so that's a plus, I guess.  I've been taking the Vitamin B-6 and a half a unisom at night, per my doctor's advice, but it's not completely alleviating it. We'll see how it goes.

FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT W/ULTRASOUND
Everything went well today (6/14)!  The baby still looks awesome, with a heartbeat of 183. We could see it wiggling it's little arms!  When I asked if I was really seeing it move it's arms, the baby bobbed it's head and the ultrasound tech swore it was nodding!  SO CUTE! Adorable profile!  My SCH is still there and had grown a tiny bit. They'll continue to watch it with weekly ultrasounds until it starts to get smaller and resolves itself. She gave me some samples of dyclegis (which is similar to the B-6/Unisom combo I've been using) to see if it helps my nausea a little more. Everything looks great!

Already so photogenic!

Ask An Infertile

As I've posted here before, while I was TTC AJ, I wrote for a blog on the website Countdown To Pregnancy.  From time to time, I still get comments on my posts.  Sometimes the comments are thanking me for sharing a particular story or experience, sometimes they are wishing me well, and sometimes they are asking questions.  Even though I don't post actively anymore (since I'm not TTC), I still always pop over there and thank them for the comment or respond to their question.  I even wrote a follow up post a few months ago, to thank visitors for reading and let them know that my pregnancy progressed and I delivered a healthy baby.  Today I got a notification email from the site, telling me I had a new comment on a very early post.  I went to the site, read the comment, which was a question from a reader, and respond, both in comment form and by email, checking a few facts as I wrote so I was sure I was giving her the right information.

I always get a little rush when I get one of these comments.  My infertility story wasn't SO dramatic, really.  19 months off ttc, unexplained secondary infertility, an early loss and with the help of fertility medications, a successful pregnancy and delivery of a healthy baby. In terms of infertility, I was one of the "luckier" ones.  So for people to find my story inspiring or for them to appreciate me sharing it or for them to want to ask for my advice...well it truly amazes me.  I love to share what I know about infertility.  I love to advice others about it, to encourage them.  I may not have had to suffer nearly as much as others, but I have read a lot about all forms of infertility.  I don't consider myself an expert, but it's definitely nagged on me for awhile that I would love to do more, be more involved. 

Of course, if you've read here long, you know I've been toying with the idea of writing a book.  That's still something I'm considering and something I have started, but it's definitely in it's infancy right now and in no way a sure thing.  So I got to wondering if there was something else I could try. 

So I've decided I'm taking the plunge.  And I created this:

Ask An Infertile

Maybe I'm crazy.  I know there are TONS of websites, blogs, blogs, forums, etc that deal with this stuff. But there is never enough, is there?  My goal is to gather a team of contributors, specifically woman who have experienced a variety of issues with infertility, ttc, and pregnancy loss, and have them tell their stories and share their wisdom.  Eventually hopefully it will build up to also including answer the questions of readers (researched answers, not just from personal experience).  It will have links and resources and offer advise.

Yikes.  I hope this doesn't completely flop.  I don't have a history of a lot of readers.  I think I have about 25 followers...Hopefully some of you still read!  Spread the word!  And if you or anyone you know would like to contribute, contact me!  Leave a comment here or on the other blog or email me at askaninfertile dot yahoo dot com.

Here I go!  Join me!?

Blog Challenge Day 10: Doing the Deed

LOL I didn't notice this one when I started the challenge...caught me off guard!  Anywhere, here goes! WARNING, this one is going to be a little TMI, but I want to be brutally honest!

How do you help get yourself (and or SO) get in the mood to DTD during the fertile period?

Well, for me, it was always that drive of wanting another child so much.   And we really struggled for awhile, it became very much like a responsibility, a chore.  Many months we were just doing it like robots, quite honestly.  We would try from time to time to spice it up a little bit, but with a young child across the hall and my mom living downstairs, afternoon delights and spontaneous forays are pretty much non-existent and when it's 10 or 11 pm and you're getting up at 6, we usually didn't want to spend to much time dallying around! 

Quite honestly, my hubby and I aren't super active in the bedroom.  We have a great, healthy relationship and our normal schedule works well for us.  But it's not exactly conducive for baby-making, especially with the unpredictability of my cycles and our issues.  Basically serious TTCing usually involves DTD every other day up until ovulation is expected or detected, and then every day for a few days--or that's the method we most often tried anyway.  For awhile, that meant starting around CD10.  My ovulation was sometimes as late as CD 21!  Do the math, it's quite a lot of relations, at least for me!

Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and tell the story that I mentioned in the last post, regarding the pep rally.  Hubby may kill me, but really how many people will read this?  LOL

December 2011 was another disappointment, but for some reason I was left more numb than upset when repeated BFNs told me to stop taking my progesterone and let dear AF arrive. New Years Eve was spent sort of detached from it all, sipping cocktails I would have preferred to have to abstain from.  I went to my RE for my obligatory beginning of the cycle ultrasound and my emotions chose then to rise to the surface.  The very sweet nurse sat me down and suggested that we try a more monitored cycle, try to gather some more information about what was going on with my body, what my follicles were doing and such.  I would take my femara and come back for a follicle ultrasound and once they deemed me ready, I would self-administer a shot of concentrated HCG (the pregnancy hormone, which simulates the body's natural surge of ovulation hormone LH and induces a strong, better timed ovulation).  This made me feel a little better, as I always did when we were trying something "different".  I also took the advice of some of my online friends and finally bought preseed, a fertility friendly lubricant (do you know most lubricants can actually kill sperm!?).

My fertile time approached, my follicles were ready and I successfully poked myself in the stomach with a needle without passing out.  So it was on to the all important part: timed intercourse.  We had talked about the need to try to actually ENJOY the baby making efforts for a change, but it had been a really stressful day.  Tyler had been very fussy, work had been rough, I was tired and frazzled.  Adam and I lay in bed, cuddling a little and chatting before we got down to business.  I teased him, asking if he'd had a talk with his "swimmers" and he assured me he had, in fact that they had held a pep rally to get ready for the occasion! All I could picture were little sperms in cheerleading uniforms, sperm waving banners and shouting into tiny megaphones!  I burst out laughing!  Somehow I just know AJ was conceived that night!

So there you have it!  Perseverance and HUMOR is what worked for me!  What about you?

This is part of a June blog challenge started by Mommy Someday at Waiting for Baby. Pop over there and join in so I can learn these things about you!

Presenting....

BABY NUMBER TWO!!!

Okay, so it doesn't look like much.  But that black blob with the little tiny white blob at the top is my precious baby!  This ultrasound was taking at 6 weeks 2 days, and I'm currently 9 weeks 2 days!

So let's back up a little...as I've said before on this blog, we decided we wanted to start trying for another baby when my son was about 18 months.  We wanted our kids fairly close together and we were trying to be realistic that it might take a little while.  Of course we never imagined it would take 19 months.  As documented here, I had a miscarriage over the summer, followed by seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who is totally awesome) and seeking out fertility treatments.  We did four rounds of the drug Clomid with no success.  In December, we chose to try another pill, Femara (Letrizole).  My doctor had suggested doing injections, but they aren't covered by my insurance, so we were planning to possibly try them in a few months, after tax returns and what-not.  Christmas didn't bring me what I'd hoped for and I went to my beginning of the month appointment at my RE's office feeling a little discouraged.  The nurse was very nice and she suggested we do a more monitored cycle, to include an ultrasound around the time of ovulation to check the size of my follicles, and possibly do a "trigger shot" to induce and enhance my ovulation.

We agreed, so off I went.  I took my femara days 3-7 and waited.  Cycle Day 13 (the day I'd gotten a positive ovulation test the month prior) I had the ultrasound done.  Two follicles, one 18 mm on the right and one 14 mm on the left.  Not a bad result, but they wanted me to wait until the next evening to do the shot.  The next night, I administered the injection (which was surprisingly easier than I'd expected) and then I went back to waiting.

The fun thing about an HCG trigger shot is that it is literally HCG, the pregnancy hormone, impersonating LH, the ovulation hormone.  That means that it will result in positive pregnancy tests, even though you are decidedly not pregnant yet.  So I had my fun, peeing on sticks and seeing two lines.  I diligently waited for the lines to disappear.  By day 11 there was a very faint line, but not too definitive.  D-day was day 14.  I got up and used a test, the best test out there, the only one I really trust.  And this is what I saw:

A bit of a squinter, but a line, nonetheless.  I called my RE's office, anxiously hoping this line was not the result of leftover HCG.  I went in and had my blood drawn.  I went to work.  I waited.

The call came.  HCG 12.7.  It's considered a gray area.  5 and above is pregnant, but with the trigger shot, there was still a very small possibility that this wasn't "real".  Come back Friday for another check, we want the levels to double.

Time dragged.  I took another test the next day and started to feel more confidant, the line was getting darker.

Friday finally came and my blood test showed an HCG level of 53!  It was real!  I was pregnant at last!  My progesterone level came back low at 9, despite the fact that I was already taking supplements.  Up went the dosage and down went the energy!  But I didn't care!  I was finally pregnant!

I spent the next week or so obsessing over lines on pregnancy tests.  I had my blood drawn one last time and the numbers were doing exactly what they should.  At last, I was instructed to make an appointment for an ultrasound.  When the day finally arrived, I lay on the table crying at the image from the "dildo cam".  A tiny blob within a blob.  A miniscule flicker within my tiny blob.  "Can you see it?" they asked and I wasn't sure.  They turned a knob and suddenly the room was filled with the most amazing sound of my tiny baby's heartbeat.  129 beats per minute, pronounced as "perfect".

More tears, hugs all around...goodbyes...they made me promise to bring the baby in to see them.   Celebration!

Once we had our ultrasound, we started to spread the news slowly.  We tried to deliver the news in person as much as possible.  We got Tyler a "Big Bro" T-shirt to surprise the family.  We made our official facebook announcement yesterday.  Tyler has dubbed the baby "Baby Whiff" after one of the trains on Thomas and Friends.  I can only hope he doesn't actually expect me to deliver a baby train!

I had my first OB appointment yesterday, but it went very badly...so I'll be having a second-first visit to an OB as soon as I can get my records sent over. *eye roll*

I'm feeling pretty good...very tired and a little dizzy from the progesterone supplements.  My stomach gets upset from time to time, especially if I don't eat pretty often.  I have quite a few symptoms, which I take as a good sign!  I am pretty happy that (SO FAR) I don't have horrible morning sickness like what I had with Tyler!

And so a long journey comes to an end!  I am a different person for experiencing this last year and half.  I've made tremendous friends that I will always love dearly.  We have shared joys and sorrows.  And now I prepare for one of the greatest joys I'll have in this life.  The arrival of my child in early October 2012.

I'm a lucky girl.

Ta-Ta 2011

As 2011 draws to a close I, like many others, reflect on it's events.  In most ways, it wasn't a very eventful year.  I work at the same job as I did this time last year.  Our financial situation is better (at a cost), so that's going in the positive column.  My family has remained intact, another positive.  My friends are happy and healthy.  I gained an honorary nephew and the promise of my first niece next April.  I've made new friends and strengthened friendships with old friends.  I celebrated two new marriages. I've watched my son grow day after day, amazing me along the way.

There were a few negatives of course.  Much of the year was spent trying to add to our family.  Easily the low point was my miscarriage in June.  But for the most part, I've been lucky this year.  My losses were few and my gains were sweet.

All in all, it seems like it was a year of promise.  Promises of good things to come.  It was a year of growth and learning. I learned a lot about myself.  I'm stronger than I knew. 

2012.  I like the sound of it, if for no other reason than I prefer even numbers.  Yes, I'm a little strange that way.  I chose to go into the year with hope and goals. Of course, I would like to have anther child this year.  I would like to (again) try to get healthier.  I'd like to do some thinking about what I want from my life.

So here's to 2012.  I hope that all of you that are reading have a great year ahead of you.  And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cocktail, a husband, and a night of relaxation ahead of me.  Happy New Year!

Christmas Rush

I always feel like it starts just after Thanksgiving.  It's easily my busiest month at work.  Add that to family functions, holiday parties, doctor's appointments, and of course Christmas shopping and I am a BUSY girl!  My husband and I were both down with strep throat last week, so I'm playing catch up in a pretty major way.

We got Tyler's tests results back, FINALLY. I had to call to get them about 2 weeks ago and call again yesterday to get the letter I should have gotten ages ago.  Long story short, his tests were normal, although they did note a few episodes of acid reflux.  They didn't suggest any new treatments, stopping treatments or even setting up a follow up appointment.  I've lost all respect for that office.  He has an appointment with the doctor that our PCP wanted him to see originally (We went elsewhere because the wait for an appointment was several months) in January.  Perhaps things are as good as they can be, but I want to be sure.

Thanksgiving didn't bring us the BFP I was hoping for, so now I've started my first round of femara.  I'm trying not to focus on it too much this month.  Ha, we'll see how that goes. 

Aside from that, Tyler is SUPER excited about Christmas!  We put up the tree Sunday and my mom and I even made our own new tree skirt.  I think it will be a very fun Christmas!

Keep on Keeping On

Seems to be the name of the game these days!  I don't have a lot of news to write about.  It's a busy time at work, we've been passing around a cold at my house, and my sister moved into her own apartment.  Christmas is coming and I'm starting to feel like I have a LOT to do! 

Still no results from Tyler's doctor.  I think I mentioned that the whole experience was pretty frustrating so I suppose I'm not surprise.  I will give them a call on Monday.  It's been two weeks, so we should have heard something by now.

We're still trying to get pregnant.  I am on my final round of clomid.  My doctor recommended trying injections if we don't get pregnant this month, but unfortunately, I found out they are not covered by my insurance.  The medication alone will cost $500-800.  It's not something we can afford right now.  So it looks like we'll try another pill, femara.  It's similar to Clomid, but it affects a different part of the brain. The success rate is about the same as Clomid, but I figure it's better than doing nothing.

Thanksgiving is next week, so it'll be a short 3 day week at work!  I'm looking forward to time with family and time off work!  There should be more 3 day work weeks!

A request

Do you think if I put in a request now for next week to not suck, it might be granted?

'Cause really, last week sucked.  And this week, pretty much a suckfest too.

Firstly, my mom's diabetic 11 year old cat Tigger has been sick.  He had something that looked like a seizure the other day.  We were told it might have been a reaction to flea treatments and him being diabetic.  So we gave the cat a bath.  That wasn't a lot of fun.  The next day my mom took him to the vet. Turns out he is VERY anemic.  They aren't sure why, and my mom flat cannot afford the tests to really figure out why.  So far the vet is treating him as best as he can, with fluids mostly.  This vet doesn't keep animals overnight, so we keep having to take him back in to be checked again.  They are being super great and not charging for the extra care, God bless them.  But it remains to be seen if anything they can do at this point will help.

Also, today Tyler had a doctor's appointment at his GI specialist.  Tyler has been treated for acid reflux since he was a newborn.  He is also super picky about what he will eat and he has issues with constipation.  I went in thinking they were going to tell us to keep doing what we are doing, since he isn't doing too badly.  Instead, they said they want to do an endoscopy to see if there is an underlying problem that is causing him to not eat that well.  They also want to put a probe in for 24 hours that will measure the amount of reflux he's having.  Just the thought of putting him through that is making me feel sick.  I know it's what is best, they'll be able to treat him if there is a problem or we can take him off the reflux medication if that's not an issue anymore.  But it's still an awful though for a mother to have to allow her child to go through a scary thing like that.

Finally, I had my HSG test today.  It went okay, my uterus and right fallopian tube look good, but they dye wouldn't go through my left tube.  The doctor is blaming the fact that I was cramping during the procedure. Apparently, the opening of the tube is only about 1 millimeter, so if the uterus is cramping, the dye might not be able to get through.  Since the dye wasn't getting in at all and I don't have any history that would suggest a blockage, he isn't very concerned.  So we will continue with this cycle of Clomid and then move on if it doesn't work.

I guess I didn't think they would find anything abnormal, so now that nasty doubt is creeping in a little bit.  I know that if it's meant to be, it will happen.  But in this moment, I feel overwhelmed and sad.  I guess it's probably everything going on at once.

But if the universe could possibly squeeze out a less stressful, more pleasant or at least less eventful week next week, I would really appreciate it. Just putting it out there.

New News

                A friend of mine mentioned that I hadn’t written on my blog in awhile.  That’s true.  I guess there are a few reasons for that…One is that I’m cheating. LOL I’ve been contributing to a blog for woman TTC.  It’s been nice to be able to share my experiences there.  I don’t get a lot of comments, but I really do hope that some girls are reading it and can relate. It helps me to write it, anyway.  I don’t think I’ll stop writing about TTC here, but I do think it won’t be the main focus.

                So long story short, we are still trying to conceive baby number 2.  I’ve been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and his office has been wonderful to work with.  I’m on my third cycle of Clomid.  So far, we know that I am ovulating and that everything else looks relatively normal.  The first month, I ovulated on CD 16 (normal for me was 18-23).  Last month I ovulated on CD 15.  The first month, I got my period 14 days after ovulation.  Last month was only 11 days after ovulation. Both months, my progesterone level was normal (12.6 the first month, 16 last month), but I was having spotting a few days before my period began.  My doctor thinks my progesterone level might be dropping a little earlier than it is supposed to, which could prevent a fertilized egg from implanting.  So this month, I’ll be taking progesterone supplements after I ovulate.  Hopefully it will help.  I am also scheduled to have a test called HSG done on Friday. Basically, dye will be inserted into my uterus and they will be able to check for abnormalities and blockages in the fallopian tubes. This is all guided by X-ray.  I am anxious to see what they find.  Many women have success shortly after the test, so I hope it might help us.

                Another reason is that I just don’t have that much to write about.  I’m in one of those ruts where life becomes a routine. It’s not a bad thing, but there is not a lot of exciting, witty things to write about just now.  I work, I take care of Tyler, I run errands, and I do things around the house.  That’s about it!  And I’ve been watching WAY too much TV lately.  I’ll feel better about that once I get my elliptical back in the house so I can work out while I watch.  LOL

                Tyler is doing well.  He’s chosen his Halloween costume (Thomas the Tank Engine) and we were finally able to get his hair cut last weekend (not the easiest thing).  He is not in the least bit interested in potty training (why am I not surprised), but I hope we’ll be able to tackle that soon.  He is being hilariously literal these days.  We've been working really hard at manners lately, specifically saying please.  He will ask for something and we remind him to say please.  When he says please (only) we try to get him to say the question again AND say please.  Usually he just agrees at that point, because he thinks we are asking. LOL

                The weather is cooler and the leaves are changing colors.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the weather and how pretty it is outside.  It makes me think of change and wonder what will change for me before the next fall.  Only time will tell.

Thanks always for reading!

               

That's how it's done!

Month one of Clomid!  So far, no major side effects, although it's early for some of that. Just a little breast tenderness and a little cramping.  My OPK was positive today, CD 16!  That's early for me, I'm usually CD 18-22.  I'm having pain in my right ovary too, and I never have ovulation pain.  Good sign, I think.  I'm encouraged, but trying not to stress.  I don't really expect it to work the first month. 

In other news, we're on vacation this week.  Monday was the fair and we had an awesome time!  Tuesday my mom and I went to southern Indiana to visit several cemeteries and take pictures of the graves of our relatives. It was a lot of fun and very interesting too!  One of my relatives helped found the tiny town and so there were really big memorials of their family!

Yesterday we took Tyler to the GI specialist and then went out to lunch and today we did some garage sailing.  I got a bean bag chair for Tyler for a dollar and a garden hose reel for $4.  Score! 

Relaxation and house work tomorrow and then on to the weekend!  Why aren't vacations longer?

Blame it on the hormones

Today was not a good day.  I think I'm in a bit of a funk.  Work isn't great, home isn't great, I'm worried about a hundred and one things.  Tyler's been super fussy, not sleeping well, and not eating well.

And now I'm messing with my hormones. Yeah, that was smart.

I was ranting a little (okay, a lot) at work today.  This was not the day to try to deal with the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles.  I have a theory that they hold auditions to work at the BMV instead of interviews, because it seems like the most unpleasant people work there.  Anyway, long story short, I was trying to set up an account on their dealer website so that I can order temporary license plates for our customers.  We just found out it has to be done online now.  So the website said to enter my dealer number and they would email me the new password.  But they don't have my email.  There was a note that said that if that was the case, to call this phone number to have an email added.  So I did that.  And the lady said I had to have a letter signed by one of three people listed in their system.  The first two have retired. The third is the OWNER of my company.  Yeah, I need to bother the owner of my company and ask him to please have the Indiana BMV add my email address to their system.

Seems pretty trivial to me and I'm sure it will seem trivial to him as well, but that's what I've got to do.  So anyway, I was telling my boss this and describing the snarkiness of the BMV employee and he (not so delicately, I might add) asked if I had started taking my fertility medication.

I sort of just stared at him for a minute, at first sort of taken aback that he would ask me that.

And then I thought, "Huh.  Yeah, I guess that could be it."

And the cherry on the craptastic day?  I broke my glasses.  I was pulling a shirt off over my head and crack!  The leg snapped clean off.  So I will be walking around with scotch tape around my glasses until the weekend when I can go get them fixed.  I could really use the "Reparo" charm right now.

*sigh*

On the plus side (gotta try to find one), my hormone levels at my appointment were fine.  My ultrasound must have been too, since they gave me the prescription for Clomid. I haven't heard back about my Glucose and Insulin levels, but I felt pretty much fine after drinking the lovely orange soda, so I think it'll come back okay too.  AND I'm taking vacation next week.  Even if homelife isn't great right now, it's got to be better than work and homelife put together, right?





right?





Anyone?  Bueller?

Full steam ahead!

In the hopes of trying to avoid another TMI, I'll just say that today is Cycle Day 1!!!  I did a little happy dance when I made that little discovery!  So I called my RE's office and scheduled my tests for Friday morning!  Here's a rundown:

7:45 AM Glucose Tolerance Test (which means nothing to eat or drink after midnight!)
8:45 AM Baseline Ultrasound
9:45 AM Bloodwork

They said the results should only take a few days to come back and I can go ahead and start Clomid on CD 5, Sunday!  I'm so excited to get started!  I hope this is the tool that will finally help me succeed at having another child!

Thank you all for following along with my journey, I hope I'm not boring and/or grossing you all out!

Is she or isn't she?

Be warned, this blog may be a little TMI! :)

So last night I was getting ready to go to bed and I noticed that I was spotting a little bit.  Obviously I've been on the watch for Aunt Flo, and I noticed the TP was a tiny bit pink.  For the first time in my entire life, I was happy!  Yes, this is what we want, get this crazy cycle over so that I can get started with THE PLAN! (See THE PLAN here) 

I went to bed, assuming that AF would be in full force by morning.

You know what assuming does, right?

I've been spotting all day, mostly brown (sorry) but even a tiny bit of reddish once earlier.  It comes and goes.  WTH is that about?  I never spot, I usually got to the bathroom and Hello Aunt Flo!  I don't know if this is more fall out from the miscarriage or what?! 

So officially, I am still waiting for AF.  If she doesn't show tomorrow I'm in danger of having the schedule be pretty messed up in terms of getting into the RE for testing on CD 3 :-/

On a positive not, hubby's swimmers look good.  I assumed they would, but it's good to know that's not an issue!

And that concludes your TMI post for today!  This post was brought to you by the letters A and F and the color red.  lol

A plan!

So I had my first RE appointment!  I really like my doctor.  Even though I had to drive to Noblesville for my first visit.  From now on I'll be seen in Carmel, which is closer to work.  He's super personable and funny.  The got us in right on time, even a little early (we were early) and we didn't wait too long for the doctor...It may sound silly that I mention that, but have you noticed how long you have to wait sometimes?  Anyway, so the nurse took us back and the first thing she did was take a photo of my and my husband!  They want photos in their charts!  I thought that was really cool, they want us to be a face, not a name!

So today was mostly a consultation.  He listened to our medical and TTC history and asked some questions. Then he said that it sounds like I probably just need a little boost and I am a good candidate to try Clomid.  He said the first step is to do some bloodwork, a glucose tolerance test, and an ultrasound, plus a sperm analysis for Adam.  My part needs to be done on cycle day 3.  Depending on the results of those tests, I'll start Clomid on CD 5.  The bloodwork is to check various hormone levels etc and the glucose tolerance test is to make sure I'm not insulin resistant.  The ultrasound will mainly be a baseline to give them a clear picture of what my ovaries are doing and how things look in chateau de uterus. Later in my cycle I think I would have more blood work done to check on ovulation.  He wants me to keep using OPKs so that we get a clear picture on if Clomid is making a difference. 

According to my doctor, 33% of woman get pregnant after being treated with Clomid.  We'll do 3 or 4 cycles with Clomid and if that doesn't work he's going to do a dye test, which will check the lining of my uterus and my tubes.  At that point we would try an hormone injections.  He also told me that (and I'm writing it here so I can't forget it) that it may be frustrating at first, but not to get discouraged.  He seemed very optimistic about my chances of getting pregnant. I feel very comfortable with him.

So I have a plan!  I feel like it's a new start!  At last I am at least going to be trying something different.  I also got some good advice from a friend and I'm going to make an effort to try and stop obsessing so much and enjoy this time a little more.  Since I'm working with an RE I can't just stop using OPKs and not track at all, but I'm going to calm down a bit and readjust my thought process at least.  She laughed at me because I said I planned to try to take a bit of a break.  Yeah, I plan to relax and take a break.  My name is Melissa and I am a control freak. LOL

We'll see how it goes!  I had another positive opk today at 10:00 am but my temperature wasn't up this morning, so hopefully I ovulated today and tomorrow it'll go up.  That would put dear AF due around the 31st. 

So just a little more waiting and then on to the next step!  Thanks for reading as always and thanks for all of the support!!!  I love you guys!

It's about time!

So, as you reader(s) know, I have been TTC for over a year now and last month I had an early miscarriage, or chemical pregnancy.  I've heard that the month after a miscarriage can be different in a lot of ways. Some woman are more fertile after a miscarriage.  Some woman don't ovulate at all for a month or more after a miscarriage.  Some ovulate very late, causing them to have a longer than normal cycle.

I fall into the last group!  Today is CD (cycle day) 28 and I finally got a positive OPK today.  My cycles are generally around 32 days long and I usually ovulate around CD18-22. I was really starting to think it wouldn't happen this month, which really ticked me off.  I mean, I lost my pregnancy, wasn't that enough? I shouldn't have to lose a month of trying on top of it. 

However, the timing isn't what I was hoping for.  I have my first appointment at my Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect, so I planned to *ahem* abstain today.  Oh well.

So here's to a long TWW (proceeded by a four week wait).  Aunt Flo should be due for her visit around 7/30-7/31 if my leutal phase is it's normal 11-12 days.

I feel like in a small way this cycle is easier on me because I have my appointment tomorrow as "back up". Of course, I want to get pregnant this month, but if Aunt Flo arrives, at least I will hopefully be armed with new information about myself and with any luck, a plan!

Stay tuned tomorrow for details on my appointment!

In the know

That title came to me randomly and I'm not confidant that it will become relevant as I write, but I like it and so that's that.  Basically, it fit my stream of consciousness/update type blog for today!

BULLET POINTS!  you know I love them....along with ellipses!  I have also noticed that I use a lot of exclamation points.  Anyway.

• Current obsession:  The Glee Project.  It's a reality show on Oxygen that is a competition to win a role on the show GLEE, which I love.  The kids on there are fantastic and I could actually see them all as a new Glee cast.  They are all extremely talented and although a few of them get on my nerves, they are also mostly completely endearing.  The songs are great!  
• Still on the TTC train, no news there...waiting to ovulated...CD 20 :-P hopefully tomorrow...I've never gotten a positive OPK later than CD 21.
• Took Tyler to the GI specialist today. They want to try a different medication for his constipation...hopefully it helps!
• I see my Reproductive Endocrinologist NEXT WEEK!  I can't wait, I really hope it goes well.
• I've been watching a new series called Switched at Birth.  There is a deaf character on the show and it has totally reawakened my desire to learn sign language.  On the Bucket List it goes!  
• It is REALLY HOT here right now. Like HOT .  Like 115 degrees with the heat index.  UGH.
• I've been slacking on my diet. I haven't really gained anything back, but I haven't lost in weeks.  Bad girl :( I need to get back to workouts
• I'm out of bullet points and it's time for Tyler's juice!  

Now you are in the know!  LOL

Quick update before bedtime

I had my appointment with my doctor this week (well, she's a P.A. but anyway).  I knew she'd be awesome and she was!  She acknowledged that I most likely had a chemical pregnancy and it was probably due to the egg not being fertilized properly and that's why my levels never got very high.  She referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist--incidentally the same one she used!  He got her pregnant the first month! (well, you know what I mean, but saying it that way does make me regret saying she "used" him)  She is somewhat concerned about the fact that I have positive ovulation tests for 6 days running every month and about my low progesterone levels when they did my blood test at the OB.  So I have an appointment for June 20th.  I'm disappointed it isn't sooner, I'll actually be just a few days away from starting my period probably, but it's the best I could do. I even have to go to Noblesville (about 45 minutes from where I work and probably almost an hour and half from where I live) to see him the first time, but I'll take it.  I anticipate an ultrasound and lots of blood work.  I'm ready!

Psych me up

For some reason I'm singing that title to "Start me up!".  LOL Anyway.

I've been spending the last few days trying to psych myself up for another month of TTC.  Understandably this is going to be a hard one.  It's very tiresome, trying and failing to get pregnant.  Temperature taking every morning, clockwork sex followed by awkward propped up nap so as to try to keep the baby-makers up there, no caffeine, take the OPKs, chart EVERYTHING.  Don't get me right, I'm a control freak so I don't want to not do these things, because they can help in TTC, but it's just daunting right now to jump back into it.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Tyler.  I pray for strength and understanding and patience. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my family doctor.  She's actually a P.A. and I've been seeing her for about 8 years now.  I was sick as a dog with bronchitis one weekend and I found this doctor's office that had Saturday hours and always welcomed walk-ins.  I met Amber that day and she's been my "doctor" ever since.  I have literally cried on her shoulder many times.  She has supported me through illness, injury, and ttc.  She's made my day on more than one occasion.  I sent her a Christmas card one year and she told me that she received when she was having a horrible day and it made her cry.  She also told me that she sees my name on her schedule and she's excited.  She is so incredibly sweet. 

She had a terrible time with infertility, having many miscarriages before having her beautiful daughter, so I know she really understands what this is like.  I know she'll do everything she can to help me.  I hope I get some answers.  I seem to be very prone to unexplained ailments.  As much as you don't want something to be wrong with you, sometimes you want there to be a reason why you are sick or in pain or whatever.  I want there to be a reason that I'm not getting (or staying) pregnant because I want to be able to fix it.

I stopped bleeding yesterday and I was actually sad.  That struck me because usually I do a little happy dance when Aunt Flo leaves.  I realized that I was sad because it meant that it was truly 100% over.  It was the final piece of the baby I barely knew I was having leaving me.  I spoke to a coworker about it today and actually didn't cry. Okay, I got teary, but I didn't cry.  I did cry at my friends wedding shower on Saturday though.  I went there swearing that I wouldn't talk about it.  It was her day, I would do nothing to detract from that.  Then one of my friends asked me how I was and I hesitated.  Then she started to congratulate me.  And I started crying.  The bride to be saw me tear up and they insisted I tell them what was wrong.  I still can't believe I did that.  I can't lie! I got ahold of myself though and I don't think I was a downer.

Cycle day 7. It feels like an eternity until I will even ovulate.  (FYI usually somewhere around CD 18-21) I should be eagerly awaiting it, but I'm almost to scared to look forward to it.  I think I'm scared to want it now...

Just for a moment...

One shining moment, followed by doubt, a few days of hoping I was being paranoid, and finally confirmation that I was not.  I'll start at the beginning...

As you know, I am currently trying to conceive our second child.  Dear Aunt Flo (my period) was due last Thursday or Friday, so when she hadn't showed up on Friday, I took a pregnancy test.  It looked negative.  I belong to a Mom's forum and we hardcore TTCers take pictures of our tests (yes, really) and many of the girls then put them in a photo editing program and enhance them.  Sometimes this will bring that second line more into light or else show that that possible line you are seeing is an evaporation line or antibody strip.  So since my friends there knew I was testing, I posted my picture.  Several of my friends edited and low and behold, they could see a faint hint of a possible pink line.  I was bolstered by their findings but I was still cautious, knowing it could be nothing at all.

Saturday morning, I tested again.  Three agonizing minutes later there it was.  A faint pink second line.  Pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  Faint is still positive, especially considering that my period was barely late.  We celebrated, I told my mom and sisters (and of course my husband) and I posted on my forum.  For a whole day, I was blissfully happy.

Sunday I took a digital test, but it was negative. This didn't really worry me, since they are less sensitive than traditional lined tests.  So I took a line test too.  The line was markedly darker than Saturday.  However, during the day on Saturday I had a tiny bit of pink spotting.  I was concerned, I'd never had that with Tyler's pregnancy.  Everyone assured me that this is very normal for early pregnancy, so I tried not to worry.  Monday came and I started looking for a new OB.  I made an appointment and was assured by the nurse I spoke to that the cramping (I was having some of that too) and spotting are normal.  I was spotted a little bit during the day Monday too.

Tuesday morning, I tested again and discovered that the line was extremely faint, possibly lighter than on Saturday.  Now I was really concerned.  I tested again and got the same result.  I was spotting a little bit more than before.  Since I was worried I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in for a blood test.  I did so and stayed home to relax and wait for the results.

Wednesday morning I took my last digital.  I was hoping that maybe my tests from Tuesday were a bad batch.  No luck.  Negative.  I was pretty sure by then that something wasn't right.  I started bleeding a little more so I called the doctor and they confirmed my fears.  I'm not pregnant.  The results showed an HCG level of 3 (5 and up is pregnant) and progesterone of 1 (very low) so their assumption is that I was never pregnant.

I know I was pregnant.  I know my body and how I've been feeling isn't normal.  I never spot and my period is never late.  I know when I ovulated and when my period should have come.  Even if stress or wishful thinking or whatever could have caused a late period and "symptoms" (I was having pregnancy symptoms), it couldn't make a pregnancy tests, multiple pregnancy tests, positive.  I was pregnant, the egg was fertilized, but it was lost very early.  Likely my levels were just high enough to get a positive pregnancy test, but then fell.  They call it a chemical pregnancy.  It often happens if there is a problem with the baby forming or something isn't quite right with the mother (low progesterone, problems with the uterine lining, etc).

I'm heartbroken.  I know this is common, I know it happens all the time.  I know that I will be able to try again.  I also know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept.  Right now, I'm praying for strength, for understanding, and for patience.  The few people that I have told have been fantastic, as have the friends on my forum.  A lot of people can relate and sympathize.  I have incredible support....I will be fine.

I can't help but think that going forward I will have a hard time believing in a pregnancy test.  I'll have a hard time celebrating a suspected pregnancy.  This experience has taken that from me.  I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. It's time to make sure that everything is okay with me physically.

I write this not for sympathy but because in writing it, I can start to heal and let this go.  I'm not convinced, as I type this, that I will actually publish it.  Maybe I will, maybe I will publish it later, maybe never at all.  But I have let it out now and I am hopeful it will help.

I love the baby that never really got the chance to be.

Get it right

I was sitting here thinking that I should write a blog.  So of course, nothing would come to me. I want so badly to be witty and interesting!  I was also listening to music, thanks to Twin and my birthday Itunes giftcard.  I happen to be a big Gleek so I downloaded a couple of songs from the show.  One of their original songs came on. It's called Get it Right.  I'm sure it's not a groundbreaking piece of song writing, but I like it and it does speak to me.

In life, I consider myself something of a fixer.  When there is an issue or someone is upset about something, I want to fix it.  Sometimes I desperately want to fix it.  I'm a very sensitive and empathetic person.  I will agonize over how to reply to a post on a forum because I truly can feel a little bit of the pain on that girl that just had a miscarriage or got another big fat negative pregnancy test.  When a friend loses someone or has to deal with something, I cry with them.  I cry with TV.  

All that aside, I don't usually feel like I have done enough.  I am (here comes a cliche) my own worst critic.  I think most people probably are.  I've never had very high self-esteem.  So here is my song of the day...

Get It Right lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

 [| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/glee-cast-lyrics/get-it-right-lyrics.html |]