Just for a moment...

One shining moment, followed by doubt, a few days of hoping I was being paranoid, and finally confirmation that I was not.  I'll start at the beginning...

As you know, I am currently trying to conceive our second child.  Dear Aunt Flo (my period) was due last Thursday or Friday, so when she hadn't showed up on Friday, I took a pregnancy test.  It looked negative.  I belong to a Mom's forum and we hardcore TTCers take pictures of our tests (yes, really) and many of the girls then put them in a photo editing program and enhance them.  Sometimes this will bring that second line more into light or else show that that possible line you are seeing is an evaporation line or antibody strip.  So since my friends there knew I was testing, I posted my picture.  Several of my friends edited and low and behold, they could see a faint hint of a possible pink line.  I was bolstered by their findings but I was still cautious, knowing it could be nothing at all.

Saturday morning, I tested again.  Three agonizing minutes later there it was.  A faint pink second line.  Pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  Faint is still positive, especially considering that my period was barely late.  We celebrated, I told my mom and sisters (and of course my husband) and I posted on my forum.  For a whole day, I was blissfully happy.

Sunday I took a digital test, but it was negative. This didn't really worry me, since they are less sensitive than traditional lined tests.  So I took a line test too.  The line was markedly darker than Saturday.  However, during the day on Saturday I had a tiny bit of pink spotting.  I was concerned, I'd never had that with Tyler's pregnancy.  Everyone assured me that this is very normal for early pregnancy, so I tried not to worry.  Monday came and I started looking for a new OB.  I made an appointment and was assured by the nurse I spoke to that the cramping (I was having some of that too) and spotting are normal.  I was spotted a little bit during the day Monday too.

Tuesday morning, I tested again and discovered that the line was extremely faint, possibly lighter than on Saturday.  Now I was really concerned.  I tested again and got the same result.  I was spotting a little bit more than before.  Since I was worried I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in for a blood test.  I did so and stayed home to relax and wait for the results.

Wednesday morning I took my last digital.  I was hoping that maybe my tests from Tuesday were a bad batch.  No luck.  Negative.  I was pretty sure by then that something wasn't right.  I started bleeding a little more so I called the doctor and they confirmed my fears.  I'm not pregnant.  The results showed an HCG level of 3 (5 and up is pregnant) and progesterone of 1 (very low) so their assumption is that I was never pregnant.

I know I was pregnant.  I know my body and how I've been feeling isn't normal.  I never spot and my period is never late.  I know when I ovulated and when my period should have come.  Even if stress or wishful thinking or whatever could have caused a late period and "symptoms" (I was having pregnancy symptoms), it couldn't make a pregnancy tests, multiple pregnancy tests, positive.  I was pregnant, the egg was fertilized, but it was lost very early.  Likely my levels were just high enough to get a positive pregnancy test, but then fell.  They call it a chemical pregnancy.  It often happens if there is a problem with the baby forming or something isn't quite right with the mother (low progesterone, problems with the uterine lining, etc).

I'm heartbroken.  I know this is common, I know it happens all the time.  I know that I will be able to try again.  I also know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept.  Right now, I'm praying for strength, for understanding, and for patience.  The few people that I have told have been fantastic, as have the friends on my forum.  A lot of people can relate and sympathize.  I have incredible support....I will be fine.

I can't help but think that going forward I will have a hard time believing in a pregnancy test.  I'll have a hard time celebrating a suspected pregnancy.  This experience has taken that from me.  I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. It's time to make sure that everything is okay with me physically.

I write this not for sympathy but because in writing it, I can start to heal and let this go.  I'm not convinced, as I type this, that I will actually publish it.  Maybe I will, maybe I will publish it later, maybe never at all.  But I have let it out now and I am hopeful it will help.

I love the baby that never really got the chance to be.