My life is so full of random events, here's a random update post about it.

Whew, so much to update!  I'm realizing this blog has become something of a personal journal (with a few readers/commenters, which pleases me to no end!  Hi Ladies! Thanks for reading and commenting!), but I think I'm okay with that.   I want to remember a lot of this stuff, especially things with the kids, so it might not be thrilling reading, but that's okay.

Where to start...let's see...

I had my polyp removed and it was massive!  I should have named it.  Yes they showed it to me. Yes it was gross.  The procedure was pretty uncomfortable, but only took 10 minutes or so. I was sore for a few days too.  They had to use two different medications/techniques on the site, so that was a little yucky for a week or so.  They'd also performed my pap and on Monday I checked the online system and saw a message to call the doctors office. Turns out my pap was abnormal, but when I talked to the nurse the next day she assured me it was because of the polyp (the cells simply didn't all look the same), and the pathology report was benign and my HPV test was negative.  I'll just need to repeat the pap next year (like normal).  So that's all good!

However, my period seems to be showing up today, which would be another 24 day cycle, just like two months ago.  A (our family "doctor"/PA) and I had discussed the short cycle thing and she suggested taking ovulation test to figure out if I'm just ovulating early.  I suppose it's possible that I am ovulating early.  I would seriously have to be ovulating around day 10-12 for this to be a "healthy" cycle though, and for a natural day 18-21 day ovulator, that seems awfully different.  Of course, that was pre-AJ, so who knows?  I guess I should get on Amazon and order some cheapies...

I took AJ for his 2 year check up.  I can't remember his height and weight, but she was happy with everything.  We've rescheduled his assessment with First Steps, since there are several sounds he can't make and he refuses to drink from a straw.  They'll come on the 17th.  When we were done talking about AJ, A dropped the bombshell--she's leaving.  We were both in tears over it.  I guess I'm not surprised--one of the great things about their practice is that they have evening and weekend hours and accept walk ins.  That translates to long days and evening and weekend hours. She has two kids, each slightly younger than Tyler and AJ, and she doesn't live super close to the office. Long story short, she wants to spend more time at home, so she's moving to an OB/GYN office in a town just to the west of Indy.  I completely understand and wish her nothing but the best, but we are going to miss her like crazy.  She gave me her email address and said to keep in touch.  Now I need to decide what to do.  I like the other providers in the practice, but not really enough to stay with them.  I'm going to look for family practices, I think, and probably closer to home (this office is on the west side. We were living around there when I started going and kept driving the distance from the southside because we loved A so much. It was sort of a pain to take the kids all the way up there for visits, though it was kind of convenient when I had appointments, since it's not too far from work on the north side).  It's overwhelming and I'm sort of doubtful to find a provider that I'm as comfortable with as I was with A.  I did tell her I'd like to be her patient at her new practice, even just for yearly exams!  I'd think even consider going there for OB care, if we have another baby, although that would depend on what hospitals they used.  Their office wouldn't really be convenient to work or home, but a certain amount of travel is worth it to me to keep in touch with her!

I also had my eyes checked.  The last few years, I've been finding places that offer something called OptiMap.  It's basically a fancy camera that can take a picture of the back side of our eye, without dilating the pupils with drops.  I hate having my eyes dilated.  However, my rheumatologist said that with the new medication I'm taking for the lupus-ish (remember, I'm not officially diagnosed), I really need to stick with seeing a true Ophthalmologist, and dilation is really the best way to monitor my eyes for any changes that could be caused by the medication.  The appointment was fine and the dilation was unpleasant but manageable.  The most notable part of the visit was when the nurse was confirming my information and I glanced at the computer screen and informed her that I wasn't Melissa Hyphenatedlastname-LastName.  She then asked if my last appointment was in January.  I said, no, I was a new patient.  It turns out, there was some mix up in there system and my file was intermixed with the file of ANOTHER Melissa LastName who--get this--has the SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME.  *Cue Twilight Zone Music*  Seriously, how weird is that?  Another person with my first AND last name AND birthday?!  Oh and her hyphenated last name, which I'm assuming is a maiden name, is a COLOR.  My maiden name was also a color, though a different color.  LOL mind spinning.  Onwards.

What else? Ugh this is what I get for waiting too long to update.  Oh, here's another super random LOL moment. Yesterday on lunch, I went to do a little clothes shopping for school clothes for Tyler.  On the way home from work, I was pulling things out of the bag to show Adam and I found a cordless phone.  Apparently the cashier had accidentally folded the phone up with the clothes and it ended up in my shopping bag!  I call the store (hoping they had a second hand set!) and told them about it.  The saleslady laughed. I said I'd drop it by in a day or two and she offered some in store credit if I did.  So random!  Lots of randomness lately!  Chickens and Dopplegangers and Wayward Phones!

Updates and things

Updates!  With Bullets!  Just Because!

• Adam's mom was released from the hospital on Friday! And what's more amazing is that her kidney function has returned!  I'm shocked but very grateful.  I haven't spoken directly to her or Adam's stepdad and he never thinks to ask the right questions, so I'm not 100% sure she's totally off dialysis or not, but either way she's doing great. She did so well with physical therapy at the hospital that they decided she could go straight home instead of to rehab
• I had my second appointment with my rheumatologist last week. From what she told me, I have some features of lupus, but since it has such a wide spectrum of severity she doesn't seem to classify it as full blown lupus.  The main thing is for now my bloodwork looks pretty good and I feel okay most of the time and it could stay like this forever, so they'll just keep an eye on things and we'll see how it goes.  My bloodwork showed low white blood cell counts (it always is) and although my sed rate (indicates inflammation) was higher than in the past, it was still within normal ranges.  The only other thing that was high was my carbon dioxide level, but since she didn't say anything about it when she called (I viewed all the results online later) and it was only 2 points above normal, I'm guessing it's just borderline and not a problem.  I do have to go back to give a urine sample, which I couldn't give last week because of my lovely monthly visitor (see next bullet).
•  Last weekend I took Tyler to the school playground to play with his friend Lorelei and her little sister Lexi AND to have some time to chat with Lorelei's mom.  Fun was had by all! :)  Oh and I attended my second PTA meeting.  How weird is that? I'm a PTA mom!
• In the last week I have had one car in the shop for a bad sensor (our van, the third time since we bought it that we have had that problem), one car for body work (from getting rear ended.  Did I mention that here?  If I didn't, yes we got rear ended, no major damage, no injuries, but a new bumper is needed, so there you go), a new battery on our lawn mower (new to us and annoyingly temperamental so far), and two rental/loaner cars (see cars in shop!).  So things have been hectic!
• I've also been struggling with filling in for someone at my company.  IN CANADA.  So yeah, that's different.  I think after about 2 weeks, I finally get the gist, so hopefully it will go smoother now.  Still not sure why the powers that be didn't train me while the girl was still working here, she did give notice!
• Lady-stuff sharing (you've been warned)...My period is all out of whack.  First of all, spotting.  For awhile now, on and off since AJ was born and then consistently the last few months, I've been spotting for a few days before I get a full blow period.  This is annoying, especially since my periods are a full 5-6 days NOT counting spotting, but I didn't think that much of it.  Also, this year I'd seemed to gotten into a somewhat predictable routine of a short(er) month and a slightly longer month.  Like one month would be 27-29 day and the next would be 31-33 days.  I've followed the pattern since about November of last year.  My theory is that my longer cycles are coming from the ovary attached to the twisted ovary (the left one, I think, incidentally the same one that didn't fill during my HSG).  My doctor noted that during the surgery looking for endometriosis years ago.  However, this month should have been a "long" month, but I started spotting on CD22 and full blown AF showed up two days later, resulting in a 24 day cycle.  In all my years of tracking my periods (basically since the fall of 2007 when we started TTC Tyler) I have NEVER had a cycle that short.  Then I thought I was done around Friday midday but NOPE!  Saturday evening I was suddenly bleeding again.  It never got very heavy, but another 3 days of spotting followed.  I called shenanigans.  And my doctor.  
• I went to see said doctor yesterday and apparently I have a cervical polyp, which is causing the spotting in between periods.  So yay.  She told me to call my OB/GYN (My doctor (well, she's a PA) does my yearly exams typically, but for this I need to see a true OB/GYN) and schedule to have it removed.  She said these are usually benign and not a big deal, but it should come off.  I called my OBs office today and found out that she has left the practice and now works in McCordsville, with is about 35 minutes from home and work.  That's not going to work.  So I asked to be scheduled with Dr. A, who I've only met a couple of times, but she did my C-Section, since she was on call at the time and she seemed nice enough. Amber faxed over a report and they'll call me to schedule. Apparently these are usually done on a "procedure day" which is typically the first Wednesday of the month, so for now I'm assuming that'll be happening next Wednesday.  Seriously what's up with my body?   It just doesn't seem to work right!
• As for the short cycle, we aren't sure what that's about.  Amber encouraged me to talk to the OB, especially since we are considering trying to conceive again.  They may decide to prescribe femara right out, instead of struggling against short or irregular cycles.  She said some OBs will do this and some won't. So we'll see.  I guess it's officially time to make that decision.  I don't know why I'm having so much trouble committing to it.

I'm sure there is more, but I can't think of it now and really that turned into quite enough!

Is she or isn't she?

Be warned, this blog may be a little TMI! :)

So last night I was getting ready to go to bed and I noticed that I was spotting a little bit.  Obviously I've been on the watch for Aunt Flo, and I noticed the TP was a tiny bit pink.  For the first time in my entire life, I was happy!  Yes, this is what we want, get this crazy cycle over so that I can get started with THE PLAN! (See THE PLAN here) 

I went to bed, assuming that AF would be in full force by morning.

You know what assuming does, right?

I've been spotting all day, mostly brown (sorry) but even a tiny bit of reddish once earlier.  It comes and goes.  WTH is that about?  I never spot, I usually got to the bathroom and Hello Aunt Flo!  I don't know if this is more fall out from the miscarriage or what?! 

So officially, I am still waiting for AF.  If she doesn't show tomorrow I'm in danger of having the schedule be pretty messed up in terms of getting into the RE for testing on CD 3 :-/

On a positive not, hubby's swimmers look good.  I assumed they would, but it's good to know that's not an issue!

And that concludes your TMI post for today!  This post was brought to you by the letters A and F and the color red.  lol

I'm a NINJA! Or maybe MacGuyver.

I have always prided myself on being resourceful.  I love to take whatever little items I can find and bend them to my will.

Today, I tested that skill again.

I was at work and I took my calendar off the wall to write something on it.  I went to hang it back on it's little push pin and instead, I dropped it.  Between the wall and my desk.  My desk has a back on it that goes to the floor. 

First I said, "Oh F---."  Mostly because it's already been a really crazy busy and stressful week.  And also, annoying. If you know me, you know I couldn't just leave it there. It would have made me nuts.  So I had to figure out how to get it out.

I started simple, grabbing my letter opener and trying to reach down with it and push it to the side of the desk.  That didn't work. It wasn't long enough, plus there are a bunch of wires and plugs that were blocking the way.  Then I grabbed our swiffer duster.  It was long enough and worked pretty well, but again the wires were a problem.  That wasn't going to work.  So I turned to paperclips. I can do a hundred different things with paperclips.  I'm always using them for this or that.  So today I took a paperclip, unbent part of it, threaded the other end through the hole in the end of my ruler and taped the paperclip so it couldn't rotate. 

I should mention, my calendar has a spiral bound wire at the top. 


SUCCESS!  I fed my contraption down the narrow space and looped my hook through the wire.  My calendar is a little crunched from the swiffer, but it is back on the wall where it belongs. 

Photographic evidence of my brilliance:

I'm bad ass you guys, you just don't know!

Tylerese

I find myself asking my (almost) 2 1/2 year old son exactly what language he is speaking.  I should preface this with the explanation that he actually speaks incredibly well.  He started talking pretty early and he never looked back.  By a year, he knew about 100 words.  He astonishes me with the words he knows AND understands.  We won't talk about the fact that he wouldn't call me Mama until he was 14 months old.

All that being said, he has chosen this time in his life to start speaking in what I like to call Tylerese.  It's basically jibberish, but in a SUPER ULTRA HYPERACTIVE way.  A few minutes ago it was "Kaleakylayaya".  He'll repeat it too, if you ask him, so I'm convinced that he knows what he means.  He usually combines these hyper-talk moments with quite literally bouncing off the walls running around. 

My point?  I need a translator up in here!

Twin Talk: Russell Brand ICK

Here is a conversation had by twin and I, plus my older sister a few minutes ago.  I admit, it's pretty un-classy, so be warned. Also, explanation, Twin says the word bulbous to me randomly because it makes me giggle uncontrollably.

Twin: I'm so pissed off that they are making a new Arthur movie.

Me: I know!  There wasn't anything wrong with the original.

Twin: I even liked Liza Minelli in it.

Me: I forgot she was in that. I hate Russell Brand.  He's icky!

Twin: I know!  I look at him and I'm like, "Great! I have an STD now!"

Me: *rotflmao*

Twin:  He's like gonorrhea.

Me: He TOTALLY is!!!

Twin:  No, he's like chlamydia!

Older sister: Is he like genital warts?

Twin: No, because genital warts are hidden sometimes and Russell Brand is always up your business, burn and itching and making your cooch smell funny.

Me: *more rotflmao*

Twin: Oh and also, bulbous.

Me: *dies from laughing*

Freaky-Me

I visited my optometrist today. It's something I've done since I was tiny--just a toddler. When I was a child up through about 19, I went to Riley Children's Hospital for all my eye care. I was born with something called a coloboma. It's basically a gap in the formation of iris of my eye, causing part of my optic nerve to be very thin. For me, it mostly means that I am legally blind in that eye (the left eye). I can see, but it's very blurry, even with glasses. Here's a picture of a coloboma (not mine):

Incidently, John Ritter had a coloboma. So does Madeline McCann.

In addition, I also have a condition called heterochromia iridum. That means that my eyes are two different colors. My right eye is green and my left eye is brown. It's always been that way, at least since my eyes changed color when I was a baby. Do you know that Jane Seymour and Demi Moore have this condition, too? Most likely, the two conditions are linked, likely the heterochromia iridum is a side effect of the coloboma, but not everyone who has a coloboma has two different colored eyes.

So anyway, today I visited my eye doctor. She's all the way in Greenfield, which is about 45 minutes from Indy. My mom had an appointment too, so we went together, with Tyler. My mom does not travel on interstates. So it was a bit of a drive. I go to this doctor because she offers a service called OptiMap, an alternate to eye dilation. I hate HATE HATE having my eyes dilated. In case you don't know, this involves eye drops, which are evil. It also involves blurry vision and extreme light sensitivity for pretty much the rest of the day. I have had it done countless times, but as soon as I heard there was an alternative, I said "Sign me up!"

The alternate, OptiMap involves literally taking a picture of the back of the eye. I simply press my eye to the lens of their machine, receive a flash of green light, and presto! Instant view of my optic nerves, retinas, etc. Aside from the little green floating spots I see for a minute or so afterward, no muss, no fuss. So here's my right eye. I understand it's pretty typical of a "normal" eye:

And here is my left eye, the "bad eye":

The green light floods through to the back of my eye, in a keyhole-effect because of the part of my iris that never formed.

So my left eye is pretty messed up. And there's no fixing it. When a nerve is damaged, it can't be repaired. So my right eye has done most of the work for my nearly 29 years. It wasn't good to start with (in case you don't know, my entire immediate family needs glasses for various reasons) and has weakened over the years. My doctor told me today it's a good thing I wear glasses, if for no other reason than to protect my right eye. I am at a higher risk of retinal detachment in that eye. That wouldn't be good. I'd be a dangerous blind person.

It was a pretty uneventful visit, my prescription hasn't changed too much. I certainly hope Tyler takes after Adam, who wears glasses but has pretty decent eye sight. I think I might get lucky there...the kid can point out a McDonalds from a mile away!

Twin Talk 2

Another example of how my twin sister cracks me up:

Actually, I should preface this story with an explanation. Wait, how about a riddle, followed by an explanation? Yes? Excellent…

My sister and I are twins. She is three minutes older than me, but I am three weeks older than her. How is that possible?

Answer: We were literally conceived at two different times. Typically, fraternal twins like us are conceived from two separate eggs released at the same time. However, our mother actually ovulated two different times in a month. I was conceived first and Angie was conceived about three weeks later. She was actually born first, making her three minutes “older” than me, at least to the outside world. The reason we know this is that my sister was proclaimed several weeks premature. We also varied in weight more than most twins do, she was 5 lbs 5 oz and I was 6 lbs 2 oz (I think).

So! On to the funny…

I posted a mini-survey thing on my facebook page and one of the questions was “What is your first memory of me?” Here is my sister’s response:

My first memory of you. "Sweet, I'm gonna be a human! Let's settle into the Chateau de Uterus... Hi... I wasn't aware that I'd be sharing this place. And you've already made yourself comfortable! Fantastic. Scoot over, I'm still staying."

Upon reading this, I emailed her:

Me: I'm an literally LOLing at work!

Angie: I thought that might make you laugh. :-D

Me: LMAO and what was I saying to the sudden invasion? Man I loves you!

Angie: I loves you, too!

And I thought of that. Here's you,

"Man, it is tiring splitting all these cells! It's time for a na--Hello? Is that the pizza I ordered? Good lord, you're tiny! What do you mean room-mate? There was nothing in the lease about a room-mate, just 9 months, then eviction. Oh god, FINE. You can stay. That half. No, that half. No, your parts are in my half, MOVE. Oh, this is gonna suck."

Me: I'm doing something way beyond ROTFLMFAO right now. Seriously. I'm starting a file of things like this you say. Someday I'll publish it or something.

Angie: I want some of the money.

Me: LOL we'll talk. Just kidding, agreed. I feel like it needs to be followed up with a dialogue of me "kicking you out".

Angie: This is true. Hmmm.

I am beginning to consider tape recording all of our conversations. I can’t make this stuff up.

Nature's WTFs

My twin wrote a blog post ages ago about what she described as "nature's cutest WTF", a duckbill platypus. See it here

Then I saw an article on People: Pets and we had the following email exchange:

Saw these on People-Pets. Thought some of them gave the Duckbilled Platypus a run for it's money in the "nature's WTF" catagory.


FENNEC FOX
The tiny Fennec foxes — native to North Africa — may look pretty cute, but they're actually nighttime predators whose oversized ears are so sensitive that they can hear insects walk on sand. Perhaps they can also get a better listen when they phone home?
Me: Really cute and mildly strange looking in an AW sort of way.
Twin: These are just cute, they’re not creepy at all. I like the big ears. It’s like your cat is trying to eavesdrop.
Me: Hee! For real. It’s all like “I’m not listening…really. Continue.”


With eyes as large as their brains, the furry little tarsiers of Southeast Asia are able to climb within a day of being born. That must make things easier when you take them to your leader.
Me: Okay those eyes could be scary.
Twin: The funny thing is that the eyes open REALLY slowly, so it’s like he’s shocked in slo-mo. I think he’s cute, though.
Me: Oh that’s hilarious. But yeah, he is kinda cute.


STAR-NOSED MOLE
Ahh, it's coming to get you! Well, if you're a worm or small insect, that is. The star-nosed mole, often found in Canada and the U.S., literally inhales its food, taking less than a quarter of a second to find its prey, grab it and digest.
Me: FREAK-Y I kinda threw up in my mouth a little bit when I saw this one.
Twin: He looks like bad things happened to your personal bits or something. On the other hand, check out the awesome press-on nail action!
Me: Ew yeah totally. LOL he does have lee press on’s!


ALBINO HEDGEHOG
Is it a bird? A plane? Nope, just an albino hedgehog, so rare that there's only one for every 10,000 in the current hedgehog population. Though his look is intriguing, his upbringing will be solitary: Because he stands out so much in the wild, he'll have to live in a hedgehog home to survive.
Me: Not that weird and sorta cute.
Twin: Hedgehogs are cute. The end.
Me: Agreed


ECHIDNA
Named for a mythological Greek monster that was half-nymph, half-snake, the echidna seems like something that might want to whisk you away in its UFO. But these little guys are typically harmless — the toothless creatures feast predominantly on insects.
Me: Hee. Does he have a boner?
Twin: Looks like! Look how cute they get when they’re bigger, though!


Me: I must say, he’s cuter as an adult. And more nails.


COMMON-SIAMESE SOFT-SHELLED TURTLE
He may look like a spongy space creature, but this common-Siamese soft-shelled turtle can be a fierce fighter when necessary. The breed, found throughout the world, is known for a disproportionately long neck, which helps the animal to keep its body submerged in water, sand or mud while still getting oxygen from the surface.
Me: Ew. I hear a squishy sound for this one.
Twin: It looks like it’s been microwaved. Me no likey.
Me: LMAO he does looked nuked!


AYE-AYE
My, what really big eyes you have! Though its wiry hair and spooky yellow peepers give the Aye-aye a Martian-like look, the foragers — native to Madagascar — are kind of like woodpeckers, gnawing holes in wood to find food.
Me: I feel like he'd be all hyper-active. Too much sugar.
Twin: This is that thing the zoo’s getting! It’s all strung out and weird looking, like it’s been forced to survive inside of a Starbucks for a year.
Me: They are getting these a the zoo?! And yeah, totally beyond caffeine buzzed


BLOBFISH
It came from outer space! Or actually, cool waters off the coasts of Australia and Tasmania. The blobfish — literally what it sounds like — is a creature rarely seen by humans, that lacks muscle and floats just above the ocean floor.
Me: This guy looks like a loogie.
Twin: But a kind of cute loogie. I feel like he should have been in Finding Nemo, and that’s why he looks all depressed, because his part was cut for Dory.
Me: Gotta disagree here. He looks diseased. I do love that he appears to have a nose.


GOLDEN MONKEY
Though they're cute and furry, little is known about the golden monkeys, making them extra-mysterious. The endangered creatures are typically found in the mountains of Africa, restricted to highland forests filled with bamboo.
Me: Not weird! Cute! And snuggely
Twin: Not weird, just sweet!


PANGOLIN
Often compared to a "walking pine cone," pangolins have hard scales all over their bodies, and can curl up into a ball when feeling threatened. But their craziest characteristic? Tongues that extend into their stomachs!
Me: Okay the tounge part is icky.
Twin: Agreed, but I like this guy. He looks like a porcupine and an armadillo had a baby.
Me: Yeah, he’s got some cute. And more nail action…these animals could use some mani-pedi action.


HORESHOE CRAB
You know that guy who never wants to leave the party? Well, this is that guy in the animal kingdom. The horseshoe crab (with Baker) has been around for half a billion years. If you see one — they're all over the eastern seaboard — thank it for its contributions to science. "We use their blood to screen for contamination in hospitals," Baker explains. "If you've ever had an operation, you owe something to the horseshoe crab."
Me: Cool animal. Low on the cuteness scale, and I wouldn’t want to cuddle him, but he’s got charisma, no?

Twin: If by charisma you mean the ability to make me want to pee my pants, yes.


CORNISH SUCKER
Baker's love affair with this creature began in tidal pools near his home in the UK. "You flip over a rock and you see this weird fish. Yes, it's a fish!" says Baker. He explains its weird look: "Its pectoral fins have fused to form a huge sucker on its belly."
Me: EW. Sort of a speckly turd. I can’t believe this guy admits to having a “love affair” with this thing. And what exactly does it suck?
Twin: It’s an angry slug. I veto this creature.


SILKY ANTEATER
They're fun to look at, but don’t get too close — those razor sharp claws can pull apart concrete in their quest for food! Baker learned the hard way when one grabbed on to his finger. "They have karate moves!" Sounds painful!
Me: On one hand, aw, cause it looks like he’s rubbing his eyes, all sleepy-like. On the other, lethal looking. He’s a cutie though…all fluffy
Twin: “I am so sleepy… HAHAHAHAHA you fell for that! Dumbass.”


MIMIC OCTOPUS
This critter "uses its incredible muscular control to push its bodies into different shapes," explains Baker. "It can be a flat fish, it can be an eel, it can be a jelly fish." Never trust a shape-shifter!
Me: Dude, he’s kinda cool. Not very attractive. He’s like Odo on DS9 (Adam has turned me into almost a trechie)
Twin: It also looks like two naked snails doing it.


HELLBENDER
This slimy salamander — which can be as big as 18 inches! — lives all over the American Appalachians. Baker loves this animal, called a Hellbender, because of its unique gender roles. "The males guard the babies!"
Me: Ick, this guy is majorly slimy. And his tail is flat. Kinda hard to tell head from tail. I don’t get the name though.

Twin: I think that’s its head. I think God stepped on him, and tried to fix it and then was like, nah, it’s cool like that.

HH Owie

So my mom, Tyler and I went to HH Gregg on Sunday to buy a new washing machine. Cause ours broke, of course. The agitator was no longer agitating. So we're standing their while the salesman checks stock and there is this loud crash from the front of the store. We look up and don't really see anything. I knew the sound came from the microwave display on the front wall, so I figured someone had knocked the glass turntable out and it had broken. Half right. So then all these salesmen start swarming to the front of the store. There had to be 15 salesguys. So we start thinking that someone is hurt or something fell over onto someone. But no one is around. Then everyone starting going to the front doors. So of course, we followed. On the way up, we realized that the wall, well it wasn't where it was supposed to be. It was jutting out with large cracks in it. Yep, you guessed it. Someone had crashed their car into the front of the building.


Our salesguy had been looking at the wall in question when it happened. he said that all the microwaves were thrown open, the turntables fell out (and smashed) and then all the microwaves slammed shut again.

It looked like an older couple was driving, and they were fine. Their car didn't even look bad, considering. We are guessing they mistook the brake for the gas.

It's so crazy when you witness shit like that. But it gives me something to write about on my blog that no one reads, except my dear twin, who has probably already heard the story.

Ah well, I can pretend that someone people will have discovered my blog and will read all my old posts. LOL

My public insists

So I'm back. Yeah, it's been almost a year. But my adoring public insists that I should resurrect this blog. My adoring public is my twin sister, probably the only one to ever read this, but most of the time I'll pretend that others might stumble upon it. So I re-read some of my old posts and decided they were kinda funny. So why not? Maybe I won't right anything worth reading, but so what?

So updates. The biggest one is that I'm about 6 months preggers. It's the weirdest, best, worst experience of my life. I was less than 5 weeks pregnant when morning sickness started and I still get it if I even think about not taking the RX drug that keeps it somewhat at bay. At best, it's tolerable nausea and no appetite. I'm suddenly a complete vegetarian. I can't eat meat or eggs. The only caffeine I indulge in is the occasional frozen coke (okay a little more than occasional. They are my first official craving), or a little chocolate. I lost more than 15 lbs during the first part of my pregnancy. I've since gained back 7 lbs. At one point, I was sleeping 10 or 11 hours a night and was still tired in the morning!

It's also super cool. I'm having tons of fun picking out things and planning the new baby's room. This will be a boy, his name will be Tyler Nicholas. And he's just starting to make his presence known by little kicks and jabs. WEIRD! He pops around a few times a day for a few minutes at a time around my belly button. It feels strange!

That's the most consuming part of my life currently. I'm sure it might lend itself to some interesting blogs. We shall see!

Scary Survey

Scariest Survey EVER

Would you rather...

1.) Be able to comsume fatty foods without gaining weight OR be able to have unprotected sex without getting sexual diseases?

Ew. BLTs not STDs.

2.) Be able to communicate with animals, but only the nerds OR be able to read people's minds but only when they are thinking about aluminum siding topics and issues?

Easy. Animals. I've always been considered a nerd.

3.) Have a knack for model train set-ups but have an irresistible urge to punch people named Mildred in the breast and thighs OR be able to make anything shiny but be unable to refrain from making the tug boat gesture and sound any time an overweight person enters a room?

Number one, since I don’t know anyone named Mildred, and if I did, they might deserve it.--WORD

4.) During sex, be able to read the mind of the person you are having sex with OR be able to hit you or your partner's G-spot by finding Waldo in a Where's Waldo book? (each page used only once)

The mind reading thing encompasses both, n'est pas? Sorry I'm on a french kick. Use it or lose it. It means, "Is is not?"

5.)Every hour on the hour, change which gender you are attracted to OR turn your sexual partner into Tony Danza when you climax, and then turn them back to themselves the next time you have sex with them?

I'm not that okay with either one, since I happen to be straight. However, I'm fine with alternative lifestyles and not so fine with creppy old guys, so we'll go with A.


6.)Have your mom have to put on your condom like she was dressing you as a child OR never be able to call your spouse by the same name twice?

MMkkay Mom and condom should never appear in the same sentence, so I have no choice but to go with B.

7.)Have to use condoms that come in a wrapper where you have to finish the crossword puzzle before it can be opened OR be unable to shake the image of Meadowlark Lemon during all sexual congress?

The puzzle would be part of the fun! Plus, I'm married. I technically don't have to use a condom. And, there are other forms of bc if I got tired of puzzles


8.) Never be able to experience orgasm OR perpetually experience orgasm?

B hands down.

9.) Attract swarms of fireflies when aroused OR have the sound of microphone feedback intermittently emanating from your crotch?

LMAO, I can't say it better, twin: Feedback from my crotch would be hilarious.


10.) Your penis/breasts increase in size by 10 percent each year OR decrease in size by 2 percent each year?

Crap that's hard. I would hate to be bigger chested, but Adam's a boob man. I guess B, since it's only 2% a year. He'd get to enjoy them until they started sagging anyways.

11.) Vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code OR during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?

MS Help blows but I have to work sometime Option B.

12.) Have Bettie Davis eyes OR Charles Manson eyes?

Ew A.

13.) Be able to simulate the voice of anybody you meet OR simulate the hair?

I could make serious bank by simulating voices. I’ll take it. AGAIN I SAY WORD!

14.) Be able to achieve orgasm at will OR be able to make anyone other than yourself achieve orgasm at your will?

Others, how cool would that be? "Ding! You can thank me later." This was the last person’s answer, but I couldn’t change it. Perfect. I will have to second that earlier response. Although I was going to be totally selfish.

15.) Have taste buds all over your body OR have a malleable stress-ball head?

Stress ball head. I love those things!!!

16.)Have an ever-changing tattoo that takes the form of whatever image you will it be OR be able to psychically see anybody's internet browser history when looking at them?

Changing tattoo would rock!

17.) Have Gatorade saliva OR be able to murmur fluently in twelve languages?

me no likey gatorade. Beaucoup de culture!!!

18.) Be able to insist on paying for the check but never actually get stuck with it OR know exactly what the person on the other end of the phone looks like simply by hearing their voice?

The first one. :)

19.) Slide naked down a fire man's pole covered with tacks into a pool of scotch OR cheese-grate the skin off your left forearm

The second, but I’m weeping for either.

20.) Chew a used condom as gum for an hour OR have all your pubic hairs become ingrown? GAH!!! I think i have to say...oh crap man. B I guess but GAWD!

21.) Sleep a night on a bed of peanut butter OR next to a humidifier full of urine?

Peanut butter. What sick bastard wrote this survey.

22.) Have invisible skin OR see in strobe light?

See in strobe light. Then I could just gouge my eyes out. --Word. The only option.

23.) Have an intense urge to whisper sweet nothings into the ears of bus drivers as you pay your fare OR have parents who affectionately refer to you as "anal cakes"? Ew. I'm walking. A.

24.) Have permanent Cheetoh residue on your fingertips OR appear as Shemp of the three stooges in all photographs?
Cheetoh residue, as long as it didn’t get on my clothes or others. AGREED

25.) Have commercial interruptions during masturbation fantasies OR have to masturbate with the mandatory use of a Sesame Street's Elmo hand puppet?

It would be A, because I refuse to violate my childhood. AGAIN, I must concur.

Would your rather your only porn be......
1.) 6 second clips of hot people OR 2 minute clips of moderately attractive people? 2 minutes. I can’t get anything done in 6 seconds.
2.) Verbose, subtle erotic fiction OR pornographic Magic Eye 3D pictures? The first one. (Am I really going to post this in my blog?!)
3.) Animal Nature documentaries OR suggestive cloud formations? Cloud formations are much more fun.
4.) Geometric shapes OR family reunion pictures? SHAPES. No family EVER.
Again, I can't do better than this.

Would you rather live in a world....
1.) Where women were given equal pay, opportunity, and access to jobs OR where men experience the pains of the birth process along with women?

That's so hard. Can't I have B, just for one day??? My wallet says A.

2.) Where there was a rapper-like East Coast/West Coast feud of mimes OR where the pledge of allegiance was changed to the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger"?

Stupid. A.

3.) Where Teletubbies were a common species of creature that lived in the wild OR where there were evil, bizzaro arch-enemy versions of ourselves?

I think Teletubbies scare me more than enemy-types.

4.) Where the convention of singing "Happy Birthday" was replaced with "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive OR where congressional debate was settled by dodgeball contests?

Dodgeball! Helltotheyeah!!

5.) Without skin moisturizer OR without cream cheese?

Cream cheese. I have really dry skin.

(Guys) Would you rather have sex with....
1.) Hillary Clinton OR Natalie from Facts of Life? (This doesn’t apply to me, but Natalie. At least she was my age-ish.)
2.) Jessica Rabbit OR Daphne from Scooby Doo? (Duh, Jessica Rabbit.)
3.) Venus Williams OR Sheryl Crow if she spoke in the voice of an old Jewish man? (Sheryl Crow, I’d tape her mouth shut.) WoRD

Ladies...Would you rather have sex with...
1.) Bryant Gumble OR Weird Al Yankovic?

Bryant Gumble. Al might creep me out in that sitch.

2.) Alex Trebec OR Larry David?

That's sad. I don't know who Larry David is.

3.) Johnny Depp without a leg OR Tom Selleck without a moustache?

DUH Johnny's a hottie with a body, legs or no legs.

Immoral Dilemmas
1.) You are walking down the street and see an open briefcase with $1,000 in it. Across the street there is a police station. Do you spend it on whores or crack?

Stupid. I want neither drugs nor whores.

2.) You're driving at night and hit a dog. No one witnesses you hitting the dog. Do you bake or broil it?

This section sucks. I would cry

3.) You're waiting at a red light at 4 am. There isn't a car in sight. No one would see if you ran the light. Do you masturbate with your left or right hand?

Wha?! Wait ‘til I got home, Mr. Icky Survey! (ROTFLMAO I can't change that.)

Oh I need a shower after that. So sorry, but it was long so I can't not post it.

Cat Attack

So we're all moved. It was so fricken hot. But it's over thank god. And it went off without too many problems. Except one.


The Cats.

In addition to my three cats, Dobby, Tippy, and Dot, my mom's three cats (Who happen to be Dot's siblings) Tigger, Salem, and Little Bit were going to join us, bring us to a total of 6 cats and 1 dog. My moms cats do not like to move. They have done this several times now. Someone always ends up getting hurt. I have scars from a few years ago from trying to catch Salem. My mom usually has a melt down about her babies, so she was sent to the car while my sister, Adam, and I tried to round them up and trap them in over-sized Tupperware with holes cut out. We caught Tigger first, mostly because he can't move too fast cause he's huge. Of course, we had to put my mom's toolbox on top of the box to prevent him from popping back out. We put him in the car and went back in for round two. Several failed attempts later we caught Salem. Michelle got some nasty scratches on her hands thanks to her. Finally we went after Little Bit. By then, we'd refined our tactics: Michelle and Adam would corner the cat, Adam would grab the scruff of thier neck with one hand and hold them down with the other hand. At this point they give up and Michelle grabs the box and I put the lid on.

After a loud and stressful 10 minute car ride, we carried the cats into the new house and let them out of their boxes in my mom's room. We still had a few things to get from my sister's apartment, so we left them to get acclimated. When we came back after an hour or so, Tigger was in mom's closet, sitting on top of Salem--literally. But Little Bit was missing. At first we didn't worry, we figured she was off exploring. But we all started worrying when night came and we still hadn't seen her. Eventually we opened the linen closet and there she was. There's an access hole in that closet for turning off the water and it also, it seems gives access to the ceiling above the basement. So she'd be in there the whole time. WE'd checked it, but she was out of sight. My mom was hugging her and scolding her and the cats giving her this look like, "What? I knew where I was the whole time."

I'm never moving again.