SURPRISE!!!!

Yes, that's right, BABY NUMBER 3!!!

I still can't really believe it.  It's still sinking in, for sure.  By the way, I'm writing this Monday, May 9th, two days after I found out.  This will be published at a later date, and I'm sure there will be updates at the end. But I wanted to document this before I forget any details, because pregnancy brain is REAL!

So I'll start off by saying my cycles have changed a lot since I had AJ.  For the past 6 months, my cycles have only been 26-27 days. And I hadn't had a ton of success pin pointing ovulation. I had actually been starting to think I was probably ovulating too late in my cycle to get pregnant on my own.  But we were so busy, we basically had been sort of trying/not preventing.  I figured once the house was ready we would start focusing more on it.

So I wasn't really focused on my period, but I knew it was probably due around the end of the week before Mother's Day.  By the end of the week, a thought had entered the back of my head, but I still really didn't think much of it.  I had looked at my tracking app earlier in the week and it had predicted I would start Saturday, but it's usually more optimistic than I am, and usually I beat it to the punch.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. My brain started whirring and so I got up and went to the bathroom, because I knew there was only one way to stop thinking about it.  The trouble was, I'm not in the habit of keeping pregnancy tests around and the only ones I had were from an auction Adam bought, and they'd expired in June 2015. I figured it would be negative anyway, so why not use it up?

Except it wasn't. I never look at my tests while they are processing--the whole "a watched pot never boils" thing....so I fiddled around in the semi-darkness, eventually counting to 120 so I knew three minutes has passed. I flipped on the light and there were two solid lines staring back at me. I think I whispered oh my god a bunch of times, but I was also reminding myself that the test was EXPIRED and therefore unreliable.  I snapped a picture with my phone and hid the evidence, then when back to bed. I used my phone to post a picture on my facebook group with my old Infertility buddies.  Their consensus was it was probably positive, but to get some more tests ASAP!

Now, I have had a BFP (big fat positive) three times before this.  With the boys, of course, and with my miscarriage in 2011. And each time, we had been really trying to get pregnant and Adam always knew when it would be time to test. This time, I had a slight edge. This time, it would be a surprise.  So I didn't say anything and acted casual. He needed to finish mowing the grass, so I was going to run errands with the boys by myself, then he was going to meet us for lunch and we would go to the hardware store to pick up somethings. So I had the perfect opportunity to buy pregnancy tests in secret.  I bought an 88 cent test to take that afternoon and a package of First Response.

After all of our running, I got the boys settled and Adam went upstairs to work on installing our closet doors.  I slipped back out to the van and grabbed the bag with the tests.  I put the First Responses and the box for the cheap test in my purse and took the test downstairs to the bathroom.  The test showed up positive right away!  I had a little moment by myself there.  It was really true.  And we weren't even trying hard. Somehow, on the day before Mother's Day, when there was only ONE possible day it could have happened, here I was, pregnant.

No doubt about it!

So now I had news to tell.  I planned on telling everyone together on Sunday, revealing it to mom through her present.  I had bought a kit of little foam owl crafts for Tyler to make her for Mother's Day/her birthday (her birthday fell on Mother's Day this year). So after AJ was napping, I took Tyler upstairs and told him the news!  We've talked about it before, and his friend Luke's mom is expecting, so he knew what it was about and was excited!  He won't stop talking about how he hopes it's a girl because we don't have any girls!

So Tyler made an owl for Gaga and I make two more. On the backs, we put the boys' names and on the third, I wrote "Baby #3, January 2017".  Later we were hanging around downstairs and Adam said, "Aren't you supposed to get your period pretty soon?" I tried to play it cool, casually checking my phone, looking at my app.  "Yeah, probably today or tomorrow." I said.  So he said we should play around that night, because he thinks that makes my period come. Uh oh. I decided I had better tell him. So I said I wanted to go up and see the new closet doors he'd hung. I snuck the test out of my purse and into my pocket and went upstairs. He came up after and so did my mom.  We looked at the doors and then mom when back downstairs. I closed the door and pulled out the test. I don't even remember if I said anything. He just started laughing and we hugged and laughed about how it only took once this time around!  I think he said are you kidding or are you serious or something.  LOL Then he admitted that he'd gone to get a receipt out of my purse and seen the box of tests. He thought I was going to test though, he had no idea I already knew!

So I still planned on telling my mom Sunday, but Adam started saying we should go ahead and tell her. I didn't need much convincing!  So I went upstairs and wrapped up the owls and gave Tyler the package. We took it to her and said, "Tyler made this and he didn't want to wait to give it to you." She opened in and oohed and ahhed over the owls. Then I told her he'd put his name on the back. The first one she turned over was the one that said baby.  She looked at me and then back at it and back at me. "Are you pregnant?" I nodded.  "Are you really?!" Then she screamed and jumped up and hugged me. Michelle came in too and everybody was talking and laughing and I was telling them about the whole day.  It was great!

Our family of owls

With the new addition!

On Sunday Angie came over and we showed her the owls too.  She BURST into tears!!  I was surprised, she'd never gotten so teary before, but she said it was because she wasn't expecting it.  It was really sweet!

So that's it for now!  I'm 4 weeks and 2 days according to my last period, but my guess is that I might be a couple of days further along than that. I don't know exactly when I ovulated. My OPK was close to positive on day 12, and less so on day 13, and I pretty sure it wasn't positive on day 11 (which is the day we conceived), so I don't know, somewhere around there.  I don't even have a doctor's appointment yet.  I called my OBs office but they haven't called back yet. I have a call into my rheumatologist too, just to be sure there isn't anything I should be aware of, given my lupus. I know my medication is safe to take.

So as of now, I'm due around January 14th. Given my history and previous C-Section, I will just schedule this one, which is kind of a relief.

What a ride this will be! Goals before baby number 3 arrives: Finish the house, sell it, move, and potty train AJ!  God help me! :-)

UPDATES:
 
WOW, I wrote this over a month ago!  A lot has been happening!  Tomorrow is my first Doctor's appointment. I will also have an ultrasound.  It's not my first ultrasound, however.  This post will get very very long if I tell the whole story, so it will get it's own post that I will publish in a day or so. Last Monday night (June 6th), I suddenly started bleeding.  I went to the ER and long story short, blessedly baby is okay!  The ultrasound showed the baby with a strong heartbeat (185) and actually measuring ahead at 9 weeks (by my last period I would have been 8 weeks, 3 days then).  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH). It was SUPER scary, but they aren't uncommon.  I was instructed to take it easy, NO lifting more than 10 lbs (no more picking up AJ), and put on pelvic rest.  We were SO relieved!

Symptoms: Morning sickness started about a week after we found out (BOO!). Also major gas (sorry), sore breasts, serious fatigue and many many food aversions.  I'm just hoping and praying these subside at some point, since with Tyler they really never did.  No throwing up yet, so that's a plus, I guess.  I've been taking the Vitamin B-6 and a half a unisom at night, per my doctor's advice, but it's not completely alleviating it. We'll see how it goes.

FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT W/ULTRASOUND
Everything went well today (6/14)!  The baby still looks awesome, with a heartbeat of 183. We could see it wiggling it's little arms!  When I asked if I was really seeing it move it's arms, the baby bobbed it's head and the ultrasound tech swore it was nodding!  SO CUTE! Adorable profile!  My SCH is still there and had grown a tiny bit. They'll continue to watch it with weekly ultrasounds until it starts to get smaller and resolves itself. She gave me some samples of dyclegis (which is similar to the B-6/Unisom combo I've been using) to see if it helps my nausea a little more. Everything looks great!

Already so photogenic!

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As I've written about here before, in 2011, I became one of the 1 in 4 woman who have experienced such a loss. I know far too many women who have felt that pain.  Tonight I lit a candle for my butterfly baby and another for the countless other babies that have been lost.





If you are one in four, my thoughts are with you tonight as well.

NIAW: You Are Not Alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am 1 in 8 women who have struggled with infertility.  This year's theme is "You Are Not Alone", so here are my thoughts on the subject...

In terms of infertility, there's really no such thing as LUCKY.  However, on my personal journey, I was lucky enough to discover the amazing infertility community fairly early on.  I'm not saying there weren't moments when I felt alone--I certainly had those, but I was fortunate enough to have friends (and I do sincerely consider them my friends) to share the experience with. When I was struggling, on days when I got that BFN or AF arrived or I was feeling discouraged, I was able to reach out to others who really knew how I felt.  They accepted me into the community, even though I had a child, even though I perhaps hadn't been in the trenches as long as some, and they've allowed me to stay in some capacity, even after I had my rainbow baby.  They mourned with me when I lost Butterfly, never pointing out that I'd only been pregnant for a matter of days, never minimizing my grief, never failing to support me when I wanted to talk about it.

Yes, I consider myself lucky.  I had moments where I felt alone, surely, but all I had to do was sit down at my computer, or even pick up the phone in a few cases, and then I wasn't alone anymore.  There were others that were willing to talk about nothing else all day long, because some days you needed to obsess.  There were others willing to talk about anything else, because some days the weight of it is too much to bare without distraction.

Infertility certainly has a way of isolating women.  Your body is supposed to do this naturally, but you feel as though you're failing miserably. It's what we're supposed to be made for, right?  And everyday we are bombarded with images of women, even teenage girls, who can do what we cannot.  It isn't fun to admit you can't do something you "should" be able to.  And so many people make assumptions.  If you don't have children, maybe you don't want them.  If you only have one, maybe you don't want more.  Maybe you're finished having kids by choice. 

Or maybe you want a child or another child more than anything else in the world.  You feel like no one understands or you feel like you can't share it with those around you.

But you aren't alone.  You have to take the step, you have to reach out and open yourself up, but then I promise you, you won't have to go through this journey alone.  Find a forum, a facebook group, a support group, find the girl at work that goes to so many doctors appointments, share your story with a stranger and find out that she's one of us too.

Because they are the bonds that cannot be broken.  Going though infertility bonds people.  Sharing the ups and downs, the losses and the triumphs.  And remaining friends after the journey's end.

My forum group eventually became a facebook group of eleven of my closest IF friends.  Two of them are still waiting for the miracles they were trying for when I 'met' them.  My heart aches for them.  One of them had a BFP recently, but the news from the early ultrasounds has not been encouraging.  Sadly, I've lost count at the number of losses.  Every member of the group has felt loss in her own life.  And we've felt each others losses too.  Those of us lucky enough to have children now share advice and updates, while supporting the ones that are still struggling.  I love these ladies and I pray I get the chance to meet them in person someday.

They kept me from feeling alone. And I know if I decide to try for another baby, they'll be with me every step of the way.  I am lucky.  Because without infertility, I probably wouldn't know Amy, Bri, Chelsea, Emi, Jen, Jynna, Kate, Laura, Molly and Roxy.  And I am privileged to call these ladies my friends.

If you are struggling with IF, I hope you find your group of ladies.  And if you don't know where to start, you'd be welcomed in my group of ladies, so leave a comment if you need support.

The coolest thing

New blog look!  I thought it was time to freshen up a bit!

So I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, it happened in January!  However, I had to hold off for a little while.  But it's just too cool of a story for me not to share, and really, I want to have it here so I can remember it.

I've talked many times before about a group of my friends and their families.  The four of us girls have been friends since high school.  See this post for introductions.  We all lead pretty busy lives, but we try to get together at least for birthdays and Christmas.  At Christmas, we've taken to having a gathering of all the family, with our spouses and kids.  So in January, we made a plan to get together at Gabby's house for food and presents and fun.  Gabby and Pat have three year old little boy named Logan and Pam and Clif have 1 year old Harley.  The kids love to play together and we all get a chance to catch up. 

This time we were cooking pizzas and waiting for Pam and Clif to arrive.  Mandy and I were standing in Gabby's kitchen and talking. Mandy and Nate have been trying to have a baby for awhile, but it hadn't been easy.  I had wondered if she might have good news to report that day, not sure if that was wishful thinking for a "feeling" but I was disappointed that I hadn't been right!  She has PCOS, as well as something called a bicornate uterus.  So we were catching up on that, since I spent quite a lot of time reading up on various infertility subjects.  At one point, she casually mentioned that her period was actually late.  I pressed her for details and she downplayed it, saying her periods were irregular.  I pointed out that she was taking medication for her PCOS, and hadn't she been pretty regular since starting on it.  She admitted she had. I was trying sooo hard not to get excited, but it was hard!  I know how much Mandy and Nate have been wanting to start a family and I just wanted it so badly for them. 

After a few minutes, the others started overhearing our conversation and Mandy started to get kind of nervous about the whole thing, so we started talking about other things. I took her aside later and asked, very quietly, if she wanted me to slip out and go buy a test.  She said yes, so I ran to the grocery store under the guise of needing more chips.  I came back, slipped into the bathroom to hide the tests in a drawer, and returned to the party.  Not wanting added pressure for Mandy, we tried to act casual and she slipped off to the bathroom.

 A few minutes later, I heard the door open and Mandy said my name quietly (yeah I was totally lurking close by).  I joined her and she looked anxious. 

"I think there is a second line but I don't know, because it's so faint!" she told me.

I peered at the test (First Response) and I could definitely see a second line. Then I looked closer. 

"The line that's faint is the control line!  Your test line is using up all the dye!  You're pregnant!"

Omg can I just say it was the coolest thing in the world to be able to tell someone that!  We basically freaked out together in the bathroom and then I asked if she thought Nate (Mandy's husband) would be made that I found out before he did!  She said no and we laughed and hugged.  Then I went to get Nate.  At this point they probably knew something was up and I was totally determined not to give it away, so I just told him Mandy needed to talk to him. 

Then we all just celebrated!  It was just so special for them to find out that way, surrounded by friends and I felt so totally honored and blessed to be apart of such a special day in their lives!  Mandy is now 13 weeks pregnant and everything is going well!  I'm so excited to meet my new little honorary niece or nephew!

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me a little bit of baby fever!!!

October 15th

Remembering all the babies gone too soon.

Where do broken blogs go?

I was re-reading a blog today, the blog of a dear woman who struggled horrifically with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I found her blog a few years back and this is the second time I've gone and read it from the beginning.  She has an amazingly witty writing style, and says some of the funniest things I have ever read on a blog, even though her story is one of the saddest I have ever read (and I have quite the long IF blogroll).  She's endearing and honest.  She's British, and I happen to adore the accent and phrases used by the Brits.  Not to mention that while reading them I have a strong likelihood of thinking in a British accent.

I loved reading her blog.  And then something really terrible happened.  Something she couldn't truly talk about.  For a few months, she talked about it, while not really talking about it. I didn't mind, glad she was still writing at all, glad that maybe her many readers could bring her some small measure of comfort, ever hopeful for the day when things would start to turn around.

And then, about six months ago. She stopped writing, full stop (see, I use British phrases when I've been reading her).  No announcement that she would be stopping, no farewell.  Just radio silence.

And of course, that's her right.  Perhaps it all got to painful to put into words.  Perhaps the pressure of not sharing was too much.  Perhaps she started a new blog, for more anonymity.  She did not use her real name.  I tried poking around the blogs of a few of her followers, but didn't have any luck finding comments from her, in the hopes of finding a new blog of hers to follow for updates.  I tweeted her, but there was no response and no activity on her profile in as many months. 

I've thought of her many times since her blog when dark.  Obviously, I don't know her personally, I doubt she'd even remember any of my comments on her blog specifically.  She has oodles of readers and I doubt I ever said anything of note on her posts. I did nominate her for a blog award once, and she commented back thanking me, telling me that my answers were interesting and sweet.  I guess I'm not sure why I can't let go, not knowing what became of her.  It was a terribly dark time for her at the end, and it was preceded by several really dark years, really unfair.

I guess I probably have a whole slew of blogs on my reader that haven't been updated.  Some said goodbyes, some merely drifted away, but none has affected me as much as this one blog.  I like to think that she'll pop back in someday with an update, but the truth is, she very well may have closed that chapter of her life.  And I couldn't blame her for that.  But I'll always wonder.

So I guess I'll just continue sending my best wishes to her, out into the void, and hope that someday her life will be as full of light and good humor and all the good things that she deserves.  May, this humble blogger really misses you. 

Pay it Forward For Brinly and Jude

Okay, I know I don't have a lot of followers, but if one other person decides to do this, it's worth the time, so here goes. 

On Saturday, March 15th (this Saturday) I will perform a random act of kindness in honor of Brinley and Jude, twin babies of Holly and Darren from the blog Oh Baby, Baby.  I am sad to say I only became aware of Holly's blog during the devastating loss of her beloved twins, due to PPROM (premature rupture of the membranes) and incompetent cervix.  Holly and Darren had been through three IVFs (an early miscarriage, a failed cycle, and finally a triplet pregnancy, though the third baby was lost at 9 weeks).  Holly's water broke at 17 weeks and she delivered her daughter Brinley days later.  They did everything they could to continue the pregnancy with her son Jude, but due to an infection in the placenta, she delivered him at 21 weeks.  No woman should ever have to face what Holly has.  In response to the many "How can we help?" and "What can we do?" questions she and her husband have received, they've decided to organize this event to honor their babies. 

It's pretty straightforward.  On Saturday, perform a random act of kindness. It can be anything.  Holly gives some suggestions here.  Then, post a comment or send her an email (shown on this post), letting her know what you did to honor her children.  Take pictures if you can, I know she'll treasure them.

And please, if you feel like it, pass this on. 

An interview with...ME!

Lisa over at Amateur Nester has started a new blog series called "On the Journey with..." and she just published her interview with ME!  I don't pretend to have had the most harrowing infertility journey, but I think every story can be related to, so I was flattered the Lisa was interested in sharing it.  Go check it out HERE and follow her blog!

Pic of the Week: Remembering Butterfly

I still need to write a post about AJ's first birthday (?!), but first, I'm re-posting something I wrote today on my other blog, Ask An Infertile.

Today is a day put aside in remembrance.  A day to stop everything in our hectic lives and remember the babies we have lost.  It's a day to think of the sweet babies that were taken too soon, the pregnancies that ended before their time, and the angels born asleep.

Like Rachel, my loss took the form of an early miscarriage (I share her hatred for the term "chemical pregnancy").  My husband and I had been trying for over a year to conceive our second child.  My doctor was just getting ready to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist.  We were trying one last month on our own.

A good friend of mine in the TTC community had just found out she was pregnant with her second child.  We'd "met" on an online forum and discovered that not only did we live in the same town, but that our children were born just two days apart.  Then we found out that they were born in the same hospital AND her mother had been my nurse!  We had talked for months about how great it would be to be pregnant together, to be "due date buddies".  When she got her BFP, I wanted so badly to follow her!  My TWW crept along.  I took a test and didn't see anything.  I posted a picture online (do all TTCers take pictures of their peesticks?  It's not just me, right?) and a few people with much better eyesight than I have been blessed with thought they saw a little something.

The next morning, I tested again.  This time I could see it too!  It was very faint, but it was positive!  My husband and I were over the moon!  It was the day before Father's Day and we were ecstatic to receive such a gift!  My friend and I were going to have both children the same age and we couldn't have been happier!

But that happiness, that heavenly feeling, was short-lived.

The day after my BFP, I took another test and was pleased to see a darker line, but disappointed that my digital test was negative.  I reminded myself that digital tests aren't a sensitive, it was probably just too early.  That afternoon, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting when I used the restroom.  I was nervous immediately, but I kept telling myself that bleeding isn't uncommon in the first trimester.  I reached out to my friend, who said the same thing.  It would be okay. It just had to be okay.

The next morning, I didn't take a test.  Maybe part of me just didn't want to know.  I felt alright, I was even having some symptoms already, and I hadn't had any more spotting overnight.  I went to work and started looking for an OB.  I called and made an appointment, even chatting anxiously with the nurse about how I'd had a little spotting and was just so nervous and excited.  She reassured me that it's normal, it's probably nothing, don't worry unless it's heavy or accompanied by cramping.

Monday afternoon I noticed a little more spotting.  By Tuesday morning I couldn't avoid it any longer, I took another test and my heart sank.  The line was light, extremely light.  I took another test, but got the same result.  In complete denial, I decided maybe they were a bad batch of tests, so I took my last remaining test, a digital.  Negative.  Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, but I pushed them back.  I picked up my phone and called into work, then called the OBs office where I'd scheduled an appointment. They agree to have me come in for a blood test.  The day seemed to go in slow motion.  Drive to the doctor's office.  Don't look at the pregnant bellies.  Don't look at the adorable toddlers and infants in the waiting room.  Go to the lab.  Have blood drawn.  Go home. Put feet up. Drink water.  Ignore the cramping.  Don't think about the bleeding--it's bleeding now, not just spotting.  Go online, read message of support from my friends--Don't give up!  It's not over!  Go to bed to escape.

The next morning, I texted my boss telling him I'd be late.  I waited for a call, but I didn't make it very far before I cracked and called to beg for my results, even though I already knew.

"We got your test results in.  You were never pregnant. Your HCG level was only 3.  If you had been pregnant, it would still be higher."

 I couldn't even think.  I saw those perfect pink lines.  I felt the symptoms, the breast tenderness, the gas, I FELT PREGNANT.  She had to be wrong.

I realized later that she was.  It was a callous thing to say, and obviously not true.  False negative pregnancy tests aren't possible.  She only managed to make me feel worse as I dissolved into tears at a loss she didn't even recognize.

I told my husband and my mother.  I cried.  I told my son, who wasn't quite 2 1/2, but knew mommy had a baby in her belly and knew mommy was sad.  I cried.  I got up, got dressed, drove to work.  I cried.  I told my boss.  I cried.  I worked, desperate to concentrate on anything else.  I cried any time anyone asked how I was.  They didn't know, but I cried, so I had to explain. As the hours and days went on, I found that sharing helped. I ended up sharing my loss with more people than I'd been able to share my joy with.

Many people probably didn't understand my grief. I had only known I was pregnant for four days.  But I wanted a baby so badly, and as soon as I saw those two pink lines I wanted THAT baby.  I was devastated that I would never know my baby, never get to see my baby grow and learn.  My heart broke to think I'd never hold that baby in my arms. 

Since I didn't know if my baby was a boy or a girl, I've always simply thought of him or her as Butterfly.  I've always adored butterflies and they've always held a great deal of significance to me.  I felt like this beautiful little spirit flitted into my life for such a breif time, and since butterflies are thought to only live a short time, it seems fitting.

So tonight at 7:00 pm, I lit a candle for all the sweet babies lost too soon.  And I lit another one for my Butterfly.

Ask An Infertile

As I've posted here before, while I was TTC AJ, I wrote for a blog on the website Countdown To Pregnancy.  From time to time, I still get comments on my posts.  Sometimes the comments are thanking me for sharing a particular story or experience, sometimes they are wishing me well, and sometimes they are asking questions.  Even though I don't post actively anymore (since I'm not TTC), I still always pop over there and thank them for the comment or respond to their question.  I even wrote a follow up post a few months ago, to thank visitors for reading and let them know that my pregnancy progressed and I delivered a healthy baby.  Today I got a notification email from the site, telling me I had a new comment on a very early post.  I went to the site, read the comment, which was a question from a reader, and respond, both in comment form and by email, checking a few facts as I wrote so I was sure I was giving her the right information.

I always get a little rush when I get one of these comments.  My infertility story wasn't SO dramatic, really.  19 months off ttc, unexplained secondary infertility, an early loss and with the help of fertility medications, a successful pregnancy and delivery of a healthy baby. In terms of infertility, I was one of the "luckier" ones.  So for people to find my story inspiring or for them to appreciate me sharing it or for them to want to ask for my advice...well it truly amazes me.  I love to share what I know about infertility.  I love to advice others about it, to encourage them.  I may not have had to suffer nearly as much as others, but I have read a lot about all forms of infertility.  I don't consider myself an expert, but it's definitely nagged on me for awhile that I would love to do more, be more involved. 

Of course, if you've read here long, you know I've been toying with the idea of writing a book.  That's still something I'm considering and something I have started, but it's definitely in it's infancy right now and in no way a sure thing.  So I got to wondering if there was something else I could try. 

So I've decided I'm taking the plunge.  And I created this:

Ask An Infertile

Maybe I'm crazy.  I know there are TONS of websites, blogs, blogs, forums, etc that deal with this stuff. But there is never enough, is there?  My goal is to gather a team of contributors, specifically woman who have experienced a variety of issues with infertility, ttc, and pregnancy loss, and have them tell their stories and share their wisdom.  Eventually hopefully it will build up to also including answer the questions of readers (researched answers, not just from personal experience).  It will have links and resources and offer advise.

Yikes.  I hope this doesn't completely flop.  I don't have a history of a lot of readers.  I think I have about 25 followers...Hopefully some of you still read!  Spread the word!  And if you or anyone you know would like to contribute, contact me!  Leave a comment here or on the other blog or email me at askaninfertile dot yahoo dot com.

Here I go!  Join me!?

Blog Challenge Day 26: IF Advice

If you could give advice to a newbie infertile, what would it be?

 I guess the advice I tried to hang on to most came from my RE.  At my initial consultation, he told me that I was going to have times where I would be disappointed, but to try not to be discouraged.  That's harder than it sounds!  Each month feels like such a failure and the endless cycle of starting all over is really hard.  What helped me follow this advice was really reaching out about my journey and my frustrations--here, on my IF Blog (see My Story tab for a link), on the forums, and to friends and family in real life.  That helped me, at least a little!

This is part of a June blog challenge started by Mommy Someday at Waiting for Baby. Pop over there and join in so I can learn these things about you!

Infertile enough

This post has been ruminating for awhile.  It's one I toyed with writing back in January, when I was approaching the one year mark of finding out I was pregnant with AJ.  That one was going to be called "Survivor's Guilt".  Again in April, I wanted to sit down and write about how, although my own IF journey is resolved now, I still very much identify and want to remain a member of this community.  Then I read a post by one of my bloggy friends Jennifer at It's Jennifer Juniper wrote a post about how she didn't feel like she fit in as a member of the IF community and I came back to wanting to write this.  So I took some time between June Challenge posts to write this up.

So here it is...I'll start by saying that when I first ventured into this world, this community of sisters all across the world who struggle with infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant loss, I felt like I too, didn't belong.  After all, I already had a child, conceived naturally in an "average" amount of time.  I'd been trying to get pregnant for about 9 months when I joined my first TTC/Mommy website, Baby Gaga .  I crept in at first, posting a question here or there, joining in a few popular threads.  Over time, I made friends.  I joined more intimate threads, even ended up leading one of my very own after awhile.  After a little bit of time, it was clear that I was "infertile enough" to fit in, despite my initial worries.

Sometime later, around month 15 of TTC, I stumbled on a blog section on another website I liked to frequent. http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/.  I saw a link that said to contact the site creator if you were interested in contributing.  Oh a whim, I contacted her, and my blog there was born, http://www.countdowntopregnancy.com/blog/category/ttc-stories/hoping-to-be-blessed-twice/.   

I wrote on this blog about TTC a little bit.  Due to the rules of the CDTP blog, I couldn't post things in both places, so my posts here were more abbreviated during that time. One day I started searching for blogs about women who were TTC and I've built a blogroll full of them over time.  When I'm bored, I got to my favorite blogs and peruse THEIR blogrolls!  Whether or not most of those women know my name or read my blog in return, I feel so connected to them and somehow invested in their personal stories. I've spent hours in front of the screen, reading, crying, praying...their stories touched me deeply.

So that brings me to the message I felt moved to put out there.

• THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS INFERTILE ENOUGH.  
• Infertility is not how long you've been trying. 
• Infertility doesn't care how many children you already have
• Infertility sometimes means you can GET pregnant, but not STAY pregnant
• Sometimes they can't find a clinical reason for infertility--That doesn't mean there isn't one, they just haven't found it yet!
• MEMBER FOR LIFE--scars of infertility run deep and we have a special understand for others on the journey.  A resolved IFer like myself still identifies strongly with the community and still can have a place in it.

So there we go.  I don't have a larger reader-ship, but I wanted write this anyway.  Sometimes it's hard to find where we belong and if I've wondered about it in regards to the IF community, others probably have too. Maybe one or two of them will read this. I hope so.

Blog Challenge Day 18: IF treatments

If your insurance covered infertility treatments at 100%, unlimited attempts - what would you try and for how long?

This is an interesting question.  Honestly, I would probably try it all, if I had to.  I would take it a step at a time and progress to the next thing if the last didn't work.  To get pregnant with AJ we tried Clomid and then moved on to Femara.  The second round we also used an HCG trigger shot.  Luckily that was all it took for us to succeed.  We were preparing to move up to injectable hormones, saving up money.  If that hadn't worked, I imagine we would have turned to IUI or IVF if we had to and if we could afford it.  In my opinion, these techniques are very valuable and have changed the lives of a lot of people.  Many children would not have been born had it not been for these things. While I respect the views of others when it comes to "playing God", I don't agree.  To me, God gifted the scientists and doctors that developed and use these techniques.  While I'm thankful I haven't had to resort to those methods, I would if I wasn't able to get pregnant.  I would also consider adoption as an alternative to fertility treatments.

This is part of a June blog challenge started by Mommy Someday at Waiting for Baby. Pop over there and join in so I can learn these things about you!

Super Sweet Blogging Award

AW you guys!!! I've been nominated for a Super Sweet Blogging Award by the lovely Jennifer at It's Jennifer Juniper!

Here are the rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you. Jennifer, thank you so much!  You totally made my day!  I've been writing here for many years, but I've never established a very large reader-ship, so I'm always tickled to get a comment, much less be nominated for an award like this!  You're a total sweetheart! You and Mr. Ru are so adorable and you're going to make amazing parents when your day arrives--I hope it's soon!

Answer 5 super sweet questions

Include the Super Sweet Blogging award image in the blog post

Nominate 12 other bloggers

Super Sweet Questions: 
1. Cookies or cake? I have to say cake!  It feels so much more SPECIAL to me than a cookie! :)
2. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate, no contest!
3. Favorite sweet treat? Mint chocolate chip ice cream in a waffle cone! YUM!
4. When do you crave sweet things the most? Evenings after dinner--soooo hard to resist! But I am doing better at that!  Back on the get-fit track!
5. Sweet nickname?  My hubby calls me "Sweet-Thing" sometimes. *blush* In his phone, my contact name is "Zsweet thing" so that I'm last in his contacts and easy to find (since the top is always voicemail, balance, etc)

And now, the 12 Super Sweet Blogs (in no particular order)!

1. Mrs. E at Ttcbabye3. This mama of twins (and one more on the way!) is a sweet commenter of mine!

2.  Leah at Single Infertile Female.  This amazing woman battled the most severe case of endo I have ever heard of and kept her head up through it all.  She is strong, independent, brave, and an AMAZING mom to a miracle baby from a truly touching and amazing story of pure chance and destiny!  She's also a phenomenal writer.  She wrote a book, you guys!  GO BUY IT HERE!  I've read it, it's amazing!!
3. Elizabeth at Bebe Suisse.  Another awesome writer and a super sweet mama currently days away from meeting her latest little one!  Such a sweet commenter and such a fun blog to read!

4.  KelBel at Tales from Our Yellow Brick Road.  Another follower, gotta love them! I always love her Wordless Wednesday posts, the pictures really give an awesome insight on her life!  She's an inspiring infertility survivor expecting sweet baby boy "Cinco"!

5. Mommy Someday at Waiting for Baby.  She is currently pregnant (YAY!) and is responsible for my June Blog challenge!  I'm a brand new follower but I'm loving it so far!

6.  Ready For My Turn at her blog of the same name! Such an inspiring blog, she's been through so much and she has never given up!  She is currently expecting TWINS!

7.  Cristy at Searching for our silver lining. Another amazing example of resilience and never giving up.  And she is another incredible success story I have had the joy to follow, pregnant with twins!

8.  Tasha at Frozen OJ first of all, her pun-day posts are HILARIOUS!  Second of all, she's everything a blogger should be, witty, honest, inspiring and a great writer!

9. SM at Unexplained Rantings.  Amazing changes coming for this amazing woman!  A baby boy on the way and they are opening their home and hearts to a pair of sisters beginning next week!  What a blessing!

10.  Liz at Wishing on a Snowflake.   Another path to motherhood, this one involving embryo adoption.  I love reading all different kinds of stories and this one was one that made me want to write my book.  She's a strong lady, much stronger than she knows!

11. Alissa at MissConception.  This is a blog I've followed for awhile.  She's very busy these days with her adorable son Cooper, but she writes and amazing blog and her story has brought me to tears.  She is so deserving of her little rainbow baby and this humble nominiation.

12.  Missohkay at the misadventures of missohkay.  This is another blog I have been following for a loooooong time.  She an adoption mommy of one of the most adorable little ladies ever!  She writes an awesome blog about her journey, her life, her daughter, etc etc etc!  Her story was one of the first I'd read about a journey to motherhood and a struggle with infertility and loss and it's extremely moving.

I know I haven't done justice to these little tidbits on the blogs of these amazing ladies, but they deserve much more than I can give with this little gesture.  They are awesome women!!!

A request

We're on our stay-cation, and although we haven't been doing much, the kiddos have kept us VERY busy!  I promise to write something more substantial soon!  I'm also WAY behind on commenting, although I have been reading on my phone. I promise I'll catch up soon! 

But first!  I have a request!  A wonderful blog I've been reading has reached the incredible day she's been waiting for!  Her book has been published and it came out today!!  She's an amazing person with a truly remarkable story!  I've ordered her book and you should too!  Find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Single-Infertile-Female-Adventures-Infertility/dp/1483911330

You can also read her blog here : http://www.singleinfertilefemale.com/  

Seriously guys, she's got an amazing story to tell and I can't wait to read it.  I hope you will too!  I hope to reach my goal of being published soon, and you know the subject is near and dear to my heart!  She's found her happy ending too!

Once and infertile, always an infertile

 First of all, welcome to any readers that might venture here from IComLeavWe!  Thank you for reading and commenting!  I'm Melissa, also know as Mel (especially in the online IF community).  I've been writing here for (holy crap, I just checked and I missed my blogversary!) seven years. This started out as just a place for random thoughts, very lighthearted and probably pretty boring!  Over the years, I've documented my life as a young (ish) married average woman in the Midwest, to a new mom, and more recently I wrote of my struggles to conceive my second child.  After over a year and a half of unexplained infertility that included an early miscarriage, I gave birth to my second son.  Now I continue to write about the joys of parenting my two amazing boys, Tyler and AJ and other random things, including current project--working on a book of infertility stories.

Now on to today's post!

The other day, I was reading a blog that I was linked to from another blog I read faithfully.  The post can be found here and it really struck a chord with me.  She is in the early stages of pregnancy after having struggled with infertility for several years. She talks about an encounter with her boss, who has just told her that another of their coworkers had just announced that she was pregnant after a struggle with infertility. She commented that it seemed as if starting work there triggered fertility trouble. Her boss pointed out that she was now pregnant, as if the fact that she had achieved pregnancy erased what she had been through trying to get there.  Read the full post for the whole story. 

I left this comment:
Once an infertile, always an infertile.  Even when you reach that goal and get that take home baby, you can never forget what you've been through, how it felt.  And that dark time isn't diminished, even by the joy of the birth of the baby you longed for.  There are so many different "degrees" of infertility, everyone has a story, but even with all the happy endings, we all still know a pain that can never be understood by anyone else but another infertile. No one can take the journey away from you. It's made you who you are.


I really feel that way. A few weeks ago, while jotting down an intro for my chapter in my book, I wrote that I had some reservations about including my own journey. After all, I had a child before I came up against infertility. I "only" struggled with infertility for 19 months. I "only" had one early miscarriage. And now I have my second healthy baby.

But you know what I realized? There is no such thing as a little bit infertile or a small loss. I will never forget that part of my life and I am a different person for having experienced it.  Even if I never try for another child I still remember what that felt like.  I realize that I am "lucky" in terms of infertility.  It can be so much worse.  That's why I want to write the book.  But what has driven me to want to write it all goes back to my own struggle. I never would have heard and read so many stories and met so many incredibly strong women if I hadn't gone though it.  I love my kids in a different way.  It has made me appreciate my time with them even more.

We all have the same goal.  Some of us reach the finish line and some don't.  I wish it wasn't that way.  But the lucky ones weren't always lucky and we've all felt the pain associated with IF.  It's not something that we could leave behind.  And, though it seems strange, I don't think I would want to.