Subchorionic Hemmorhage

**Disclaimer** this is my account of my very scary bleeding experience on June 6.  As of right now, baby is doing great, has a strong heartbeat and is measuring ahead of where we thought I was, so those are all good signs.  This may get a little graphic/tmi, but I want to document it.

On Monday, June 6th at about 10:00 pm I started getting ready for bed. I put away some laundry, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, etc.  I laid down in bed and basically immediately felt a gush of fluid.  I knew immediately that wasn't a good thing. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and even then I could see blood running down my legs.  It was a lot of blood. I think I was just in shock at first and couldn't even think.  I started yelling for Adam and for  my sister because she was closest and I knew she'd hear me. Adam ran upstairs and kind of froze. My mom came up too and we all took in the scene. My mom got me a washcloth and she and Adam cleaned up the floor a little and Adam got me some clean clothes.

I got myself together and cleaned up as best as I could. I put a pad on an got dressed and we rushed out the door.  I just kept saying I couldn't believe this was happening.  I'd felt "fine". Fine as in pregnant and nauseated and the same as I'd been feeling for weeks.  I thought it was over and that I was miscarrying for sure.

We got the ER and Adam dropped me off at the door and went to park. I checked in and was quickly offered a wheelchair, which I accepted.  They took me right back to a room and a nurse came right in.  She was super nice and sweet.  It's all a blur, but I think the doctor--actually she was a PA, and accompanied by a medical student, came in pretty much right away.  They asked a lot of questions and I told them everything that had been happening. At that point, just by my last period, I thought I was 8 weeks and 3 days.  She explained that they'd take some blood to check my hormones and do a pelvic exam to start.  

The nurse took some blood and put in a IV shunt. The PA said all they could really offer me for the nerves was Benadryl, which I declined.  She checked my pulse and listened to my chest, noting that she could hear a heart murmur. I told her I'd never been told that before. She said it probably was nothing to be concerned about and it might just be a pregnancy thing, since pregnant women has a much higher blood volume than normal.

Then she did the pelvic exam.  Those are just never fun.  She had to clear a sizeable clot before she could start, which made my heart sink. I tried very hard not to think about what that might be. She said I was dilated about a fingertip, but that can happen so the clots can pass.  She indicated that it wasn't necessarily an indication that things were bad.

At that point, we just had to wait to get the blood test back. The PA said if my hormone level was over 3000 (and at the point I was in the pregnancy, it should be well over that), then they would do an ultrasound. If the hormone level was lower than that....well we'd know things weren't good and there probably wouldn't be anything to see on the ultrasound.

It took over an hour to get the results, which was just awful. Adam and I talked some, and we really were kind of defeated.  I don't think of it like we were being pessimistic, but I think we were trying to prepare ourselves for the worst.  I talked to the nurse and the PA about what they knew so far and IF this, THEN what, and all that, explaining that I knew they didn't have all the answers, but that it helped me to know the details of all the possibilities.  

It was surreal to talk about miscarriage and DNC and all that, but somehow, even while I was crying and upset to think about it, I wanted to know what I might be facing. 

Finally, the PA came in and said, "Your level is 181--" I cringed. "thousand."  So that's super high and it was a good sign for now. The nurse said I was super pregnant.  I knew that it wasn't a sure thing, but I definitely started to gain back a little bit of hope.

Soon after, they took me for an ultrasound. The technician said she would do an external first and then an internal. I asked if she would tell us if there was heartbeat. She hesitated, but said yes, she would. She said if she was quiet, that was a bad sign, but that the external would be harder to see much. So I told myself not to get upset during the external. She got started and during the external she didn't say much. Adam could see the screen but I couldn't. At one point I mouthed to him, asking if he could see anything and he sort of shrugged.  She did her measurements and whatnot and then told me to use the restroom and undress for the external. My bleeding was slowing a little bit at this point.

The internal seemed to take FOREVER. Toward the beginning she did tell us that she saw a heartbeat. She showed me the screen for just a second and honestly I thought the heartbeat looked slow, so I didn't even let myself feel a lot of relief. So then she went back to measuring and all that.  The worst part was when she wanted to examine my ovaries. I had to physically push down on my stomach with my hands and hold it there for a long time.  My arms ached and I was so tired--at this point it was probably after 1 am and I had taken half a unisom before I went to lay down at 10 pm. So that part sucked. Finally, she was done and she asked me if I was sure about my last period date. I said I was very sure (April 9th). I turned to Adam and said that I thought that meant the baby wasn't measuring correctly.  Then the tech said that I was actually measuring ahead at 9 weeks (actually I swear she said 9 weeks 3 days, but later they told me 9, so I'm going with that until my next ultrasound). I think that was the moment I felt relief. She also said the heartbeat was measured at 185 beats per minute, which was very good. She said the PA would tell me more after the report was processed.

So after we got back to our room, we waited some more. The sweet nurse came in and she was so happy to hear that we had a heartbeat! I updated my mom (I'd been calling her every time we had a shred of news) and my facebook baby/ttc group and then we waited. The PA came back and confirmed what we knew, that the baby measured great and had a great heartbeat. She said the bleeding was caused by a subchorionic hemorrhage. She described it as "small" measuring 5.2 x 0.6 x 3.8 cm. She said that it puts me at a higher risk of miscarriage, but for now the baby looks good. She said to take it easy and follow up with my OB the next day.  Later I read the ultrasound report and they measured the baby as 2.31 cm which corresponds to 9 weeks 0 days and that the cervix was closed and measuring 3.6 cm.

I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday, resting and taking it very easy. I spoke to my OB office and they said my upcoming appointment scheduled for the following Tuesday was  a perfect time to check on everything. They said to take it easy, but that I could work as long as I was sitting most of the time. They said to call if I went through more than a pad in an hour.

Tuesday and Wednesday the bleeding slowed to mostly spotting and later in the week it turned from red/pink to brown, which is old blood and I took as a good sign.  I'm still spotting two weeks later, to varying degrees.

All in all, I feel ok. I'm obviously more nervous than I was before this happened. I have moments where I'm sure it's going to be ok, and I have moments where I worry. I never pictured going through something like this.  I'm so grateful that the baby is still with us and I pray every day that it stays with us.

Right now, they just want me to have weekly ultrasounds until the SCH resolves. My next ultrasound it tomorrow. The doctor's office also called today and wants me to be seen for a weight check too.  I've lost between 10-15 lbs since I got pregnant, which is very normal for me, I lost weight in the first trimester with both the boys. But for one reason or another, they are watching that too.

Thank you in advance for any prayers or well wishes you can send!  Baby number 3 really appreciates it and so do we!

SURPRISE!!!!

Yes, that's right, BABY NUMBER 3!!!

I still can't really believe it.  It's still sinking in, for sure.  By the way, I'm writing this Monday, May 9th, two days after I found out.  This will be published at a later date, and I'm sure there will be updates at the end. But I wanted to document this before I forget any details, because pregnancy brain is REAL!

So I'll start off by saying my cycles have changed a lot since I had AJ.  For the past 6 months, my cycles have only been 26-27 days. And I hadn't had a ton of success pin pointing ovulation. I had actually been starting to think I was probably ovulating too late in my cycle to get pregnant on my own.  But we were so busy, we basically had been sort of trying/not preventing.  I figured once the house was ready we would start focusing more on it.

So I wasn't really focused on my period, but I knew it was probably due around the end of the week before Mother's Day.  By the end of the week, a thought had entered the back of my head, but I still really didn't think much of it.  I had looked at my tracking app earlier in the week and it had predicted I would start Saturday, but it's usually more optimistic than I am, and usually I beat it to the punch.

Saturday morning, I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. My brain started whirring and so I got up and went to the bathroom, because I knew there was only one way to stop thinking about it.  The trouble was, I'm not in the habit of keeping pregnancy tests around and the only ones I had were from an auction Adam bought, and they'd expired in June 2015. I figured it would be negative anyway, so why not use it up?

Except it wasn't. I never look at my tests while they are processing--the whole "a watched pot never boils" thing....so I fiddled around in the semi-darkness, eventually counting to 120 so I knew three minutes has passed. I flipped on the light and there were two solid lines staring back at me. I think I whispered oh my god a bunch of times, but I was also reminding myself that the test was EXPIRED and therefore unreliable.  I snapped a picture with my phone and hid the evidence, then when back to bed. I used my phone to post a picture on my facebook group with my old Infertility buddies.  Their consensus was it was probably positive, but to get some more tests ASAP!

Now, I have had a BFP (big fat positive) three times before this.  With the boys, of course, and with my miscarriage in 2011. And each time, we had been really trying to get pregnant and Adam always knew when it would be time to test. This time, I had a slight edge. This time, it would be a surprise.  So I didn't say anything and acted casual. He needed to finish mowing the grass, so I was going to run errands with the boys by myself, then he was going to meet us for lunch and we would go to the hardware store to pick up somethings. So I had the perfect opportunity to buy pregnancy tests in secret.  I bought an 88 cent test to take that afternoon and a package of First Response.

After all of our running, I got the boys settled and Adam went upstairs to work on installing our closet doors.  I slipped back out to the van and grabbed the bag with the tests.  I put the First Responses and the box for the cheap test in my purse and took the test downstairs to the bathroom.  The test showed up positive right away!  I had a little moment by myself there.  It was really true.  And we weren't even trying hard. Somehow, on the day before Mother's Day, when there was only ONE possible day it could have happened, here I was, pregnant.

No doubt about it!

So now I had news to tell.  I planned on telling everyone together on Sunday, revealing it to mom through her present.  I had bought a kit of little foam owl crafts for Tyler to make her for Mother's Day/her birthday (her birthday fell on Mother's Day this year). So after AJ was napping, I took Tyler upstairs and told him the news!  We've talked about it before, and his friend Luke's mom is expecting, so he knew what it was about and was excited!  He won't stop talking about how he hopes it's a girl because we don't have any girls!

So Tyler made an owl for Gaga and I make two more. On the backs, we put the boys' names and on the third, I wrote "Baby #3, January 2017".  Later we were hanging around downstairs and Adam said, "Aren't you supposed to get your period pretty soon?" I tried to play it cool, casually checking my phone, looking at my app.  "Yeah, probably today or tomorrow." I said.  So he said we should play around that night, because he thinks that makes my period come. Uh oh. I decided I had better tell him. So I said I wanted to go up and see the new closet doors he'd hung. I snuck the test out of my purse and into my pocket and went upstairs. He came up after and so did my mom.  We looked at the doors and then mom when back downstairs. I closed the door and pulled out the test. I don't even remember if I said anything. He just started laughing and we hugged and laughed about how it only took once this time around!  I think he said are you kidding or are you serious or something.  LOL Then he admitted that he'd gone to get a receipt out of my purse and seen the box of tests. He thought I was going to test though, he had no idea I already knew!

So I still planned on telling my mom Sunday, but Adam started saying we should go ahead and tell her. I didn't need much convincing!  So I went upstairs and wrapped up the owls and gave Tyler the package. We took it to her and said, "Tyler made this and he didn't want to wait to give it to you." She opened in and oohed and ahhed over the owls. Then I told her he'd put his name on the back. The first one she turned over was the one that said baby.  She looked at me and then back at it and back at me. "Are you pregnant?" I nodded.  "Are you really?!" Then she screamed and jumped up and hugged me. Michelle came in too and everybody was talking and laughing and I was telling them about the whole day.  It was great!

Our family of owls

With the new addition!

On Sunday Angie came over and we showed her the owls too.  She BURST into tears!!  I was surprised, she'd never gotten so teary before, but she said it was because she wasn't expecting it.  It was really sweet!

So that's it for now!  I'm 4 weeks and 2 days according to my last period, but my guess is that I might be a couple of days further along than that. I don't know exactly when I ovulated. My OPK was close to positive on day 12, and less so on day 13, and I pretty sure it wasn't positive on day 11 (which is the day we conceived), so I don't know, somewhere around there.  I don't even have a doctor's appointment yet.  I called my OBs office but they haven't called back yet. I have a call into my rheumatologist too, just to be sure there isn't anything I should be aware of, given my lupus. I know my medication is safe to take.

So as of now, I'm due around January 14th. Given my history and previous C-Section, I will just schedule this one, which is kind of a relief.

What a ride this will be! Goals before baby number 3 arrives: Finish the house, sell it, move, and potty train AJ!  God help me! :-)

UPDATES:
 
WOW, I wrote this over a month ago!  A lot has been happening!  Tomorrow is my first Doctor's appointment. I will also have an ultrasound.  It's not my first ultrasound, however.  This post will get very very long if I tell the whole story, so it will get it's own post that I will publish in a day or so. Last Monday night (June 6th), I suddenly started bleeding.  I went to the ER and long story short, blessedly baby is okay!  The ultrasound showed the baby with a strong heartbeat (185) and actually measuring ahead at 9 weeks (by my last period I would have been 8 weeks, 3 days then).  I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH). It was SUPER scary, but they aren't uncommon.  I was instructed to take it easy, NO lifting more than 10 lbs (no more picking up AJ), and put on pelvic rest.  We were SO relieved!

Symptoms: Morning sickness started about a week after we found out (BOO!). Also major gas (sorry), sore breasts, serious fatigue and many many food aversions.  I'm just hoping and praying these subside at some point, since with Tyler they really never did.  No throwing up yet, so that's a plus, I guess.  I've been taking the Vitamin B-6 and a half a unisom at night, per my doctor's advice, but it's not completely alleviating it. We'll see how it goes.

FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT W/ULTRASOUND
Everything went well today (6/14)!  The baby still looks awesome, with a heartbeat of 183. We could see it wiggling it's little arms!  When I asked if I was really seeing it move it's arms, the baby bobbed it's head and the ultrasound tech swore it was nodding!  SO CUTE! Adorable profile!  My SCH is still there and had grown a tiny bit. They'll continue to watch it with weekly ultrasounds until it starts to get smaller and resolves itself. She gave me some samples of dyclegis (which is similar to the B-6/Unisom combo I've been using) to see if it helps my nausea a little more. Everything looks great!

Already so photogenic!

Fear and Faith

Although sources vary on when the first trimester ends, they all seem to agree that by week 14, you're 1/3rd done with pregnancy and into your second trimester.  Chances of miscarriage decrease dramatically after the first trimester.

So imagine my shock and fear when at 13.5 weeks pregnant, I went to the bathroom and saw blood.  I was in complete disbelief for a moment.  Any pregnant woman will tell you that she unabashedly checks the TP each and every frequent time she uses the bathroom.  But we are never prepared to see that. 

I was preparing to leave work on Thursday, the day before a day off of work for Good Friday.  A friend had called while I was packing up, so I was chatting, but I knew I needed to make a pit stop before I left, so I asked her to hold on, pressed the mute button, and took care of business.  When I saw the blood, my heart dropped.  13 weeks is supposed to be safe.  I had just caught myself saying I was relieved to be past the worst of the risk.  It wasn't a lot but it was blood.  I unmuted my friend and shakily told her what was going on.  She reminded me that bleeding can be really common during pregnancy, and don't freak out, and call her back as soon as I knew anything. 

I hung up and dialed my doctor.  The receptionist got a nurse for me (God love them for not making me leave a message!!) and she repeated what my friend had said, that it's common but they definitely wanted to be sure everything was okay.  I told her that on the ultrasound earlier in the week, they'd seen a fibroid.  She checked my chart and luckily the report was already there.  She reviewed their notes and confirmed that they did note a 5 cm fibroid--which is not small.  She said she wanted to talk to my OB and either she or the doctor would call back soon.

I sat trembling in my car, unsure of what to do. My husband was supposed to work until 5:00 and it was just after 4:00.  I decided I couldn't wait, so I started driving to his work, about 10 minutes away, while I dialed him on my phone.  I tearfully told him what happened and he said to come over and he'd leave as soon as he could.  I then called my mom to fill her in and let her know that if the OB called the house, to have them call my cell. 

I got to my husband's work and went in to use their bathroom.  The bleeding was already just brown, old blood (sorry tmi).  I went back to the car to wait for Adam.  The doctor's office called back.  The nurse told me she'd talked to my doctor and they wanted me to go home, put my feet up, rest and drink plenty of water.  She said they wanted me to come in the next morning to check for the baby's heartbeat.

I followed the instructions.  I went home, lay on the couch with my feet up, drank water, and tried not to panic.  It was a long night.

The next morning, my mom, Tyler, and I all headed to the doctor.  Once we got in to see the doctor, she talked it over a bit with us and then took out the dopplar.  She poked and pushed and wandered about, but we just kept finding my slower heartbeat.  Every few minutes she'd murmur, "Don't panic, it's hard to find when you're this early." I would nod, breathing deeply and sometimes closing my eyes for a few second, my lips mouthing "Come on baby."

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she heard a quick flash of fast fluttering.  "There it was," she said, trying to get it back. I held my breath, telling myself we couldn't have all imagined it.  Finally, she zeroed in and there it was, a fast, steady thrumming of life.  And then I started crying, my stomach jumping as I tried not to sob.  The doctor waited to get a good count on the heart rate (155-165) and helped me wipe of the goo.  I looked at my mom and she was crying too.  Tyler was over the whole thing LOL.  He didn't like the sound of the dopplar and he was anxious to leave.

The doctor went on to say that the bleeding might be from the fibroid or from a low lying placenta.  She did and exam and everything seemed fine, no new blood.  They'll take a look at the fibroid at my next ultrasound, since sometimes they think there is a fibroid but really it's just a muscle contracting.  She said my uterus was measuring about 16 weeks, 2.5 weeks further along that I was.  She said that might just be because it's my second child, or it could be the fibroid.

So she sent me home, telling me to really take it easy for the weekend.  We had to cancel several planned outings.  No more lifting Tyler, and I am supposed to be careful about activity for awhile.  It was challenging, staying home while Adam took Tyler to an Easter Egg Hunt and sitting on the patio while he played ball in the yard.  But we do what we have to for our kids.  I sat on the couch a lot and tried not to obsess over what I wasn't doing LOL

So me and little one are doing fine.  He or she is the size of a lemon this week!  Six weeks or so and we can find out what we are having!  It was a scary weekend, but I'm very thankful it turned out okay.  I found myself watching shows on TV that really helped me have faith that everything will work out.  I watched an episode of 19 Kids and Counting, when the Duggar's doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on their 20th baby at a check up around 12-13 weeks.  They immediately started praying, but they prayed that God would help them accept His will, whatever it was.  They then got an ultrasound and found their baby was fine.  Sadly, six weeks later, they had an ultrasound and found that their baby had indeed passed.  I watched both episodes, desperately sad for their loss and inspired by their incredibly strong faith. I can only hope I was be so accepting if the worst did happen.

Last night I watched the Lifetime movie "Amish Grace".  It is a fictional movie based on the murder of a group of Amish girls at a school.  Again I was inspired by the faith describe and displayed in the movie.  It really helped me find a little bit of peace in the unknown future of my precious baby.

I love my baby already.  We tried so long to conceive.  But somehow I still manage to ask God to be with us and keep us safe, but also to help me to accept whatever happens.  And I know that is prayer that will be answered.  I have a lot of faith that my little one is going to be just fine and I will hold him or her in my arms in just a few months.  It seems incredible to imagine!

Presenting....

BABY NUMBER TWO!!!

Okay, so it doesn't look like much.  But that black blob with the little tiny white blob at the top is my precious baby!  This ultrasound was taking at 6 weeks 2 days, and I'm currently 9 weeks 2 days!

So let's back up a little...as I've said before on this blog, we decided we wanted to start trying for another baby when my son was about 18 months.  We wanted our kids fairly close together and we were trying to be realistic that it might take a little while.  Of course we never imagined it would take 19 months.  As documented here, I had a miscarriage over the summer, followed by seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist (who is totally awesome) and seeking out fertility treatments.  We did four rounds of the drug Clomid with no success.  In December, we chose to try another pill, Femara (Letrizole).  My doctor had suggested doing injections, but they aren't covered by my insurance, so we were planning to possibly try them in a few months, after tax returns and what-not.  Christmas didn't bring me what I'd hoped for and I went to my beginning of the month appointment at my RE's office feeling a little discouraged.  The nurse was very nice and she suggested we do a more monitored cycle, to include an ultrasound around the time of ovulation to check the size of my follicles, and possibly do a "trigger shot" to induce and enhance my ovulation.

We agreed, so off I went.  I took my femara days 3-7 and waited.  Cycle Day 13 (the day I'd gotten a positive ovulation test the month prior) I had the ultrasound done.  Two follicles, one 18 mm on the right and one 14 mm on the left.  Not a bad result, but they wanted me to wait until the next evening to do the shot.  The next night, I administered the injection (which was surprisingly easier than I'd expected) and then I went back to waiting.

The fun thing about an HCG trigger shot is that it is literally HCG, the pregnancy hormone, impersonating LH, the ovulation hormone.  That means that it will result in positive pregnancy tests, even though you are decidedly not pregnant yet.  So I had my fun, peeing on sticks and seeing two lines.  I diligently waited for the lines to disappear.  By day 11 there was a very faint line, but not too definitive.  D-day was day 14.  I got up and used a test, the best test out there, the only one I really trust.  And this is what I saw:

A bit of a squinter, but a line, nonetheless.  I called my RE's office, anxiously hoping this line was not the result of leftover HCG.  I went in and had my blood drawn.  I went to work.  I waited.

The call came.  HCG 12.7.  It's considered a gray area.  5 and above is pregnant, but with the trigger shot, there was still a very small possibility that this wasn't "real".  Come back Friday for another check, we want the levels to double.

Time dragged.  I took another test the next day and started to feel more confidant, the line was getting darker.

Friday finally came and my blood test showed an HCG level of 53!  It was real!  I was pregnant at last!  My progesterone level came back low at 9, despite the fact that I was already taking supplements.  Up went the dosage and down went the energy!  But I didn't care!  I was finally pregnant!

I spent the next week or so obsessing over lines on pregnancy tests.  I had my blood drawn one last time and the numbers were doing exactly what they should.  At last, I was instructed to make an appointment for an ultrasound.  When the day finally arrived, I lay on the table crying at the image from the "dildo cam".  A tiny blob within a blob.  A miniscule flicker within my tiny blob.  "Can you see it?" they asked and I wasn't sure.  They turned a knob and suddenly the room was filled with the most amazing sound of my tiny baby's heartbeat.  129 beats per minute, pronounced as "perfect".

More tears, hugs all around...goodbyes...they made me promise to bring the baby in to see them.   Celebration!

Once we had our ultrasound, we started to spread the news slowly.  We tried to deliver the news in person as much as possible.  We got Tyler a "Big Bro" T-shirt to surprise the family.  We made our official facebook announcement yesterday.  Tyler has dubbed the baby "Baby Whiff" after one of the trains on Thomas and Friends.  I can only hope he doesn't actually expect me to deliver a baby train!

I had my first OB appointment yesterday, but it went very badly...so I'll be having a second-first visit to an OB as soon as I can get my records sent over. *eye roll*

I'm feeling pretty good...very tired and a little dizzy from the progesterone supplements.  My stomach gets upset from time to time, especially if I don't eat pretty often.  I have quite a few symptoms, which I take as a good sign!  I am pretty happy that (SO FAR) I don't have horrible morning sickness like what I had with Tyler!

And so a long journey comes to an end!  I am a different person for experiencing this last year and half.  I've made tremendous friends that I will always love dearly.  We have shared joys and sorrows.  And now I prepare for one of the greatest joys I'll have in this life.  The arrival of my child in early October 2012.

I'm a lucky girl.

A request

Do you think if I put in a request now for next week to not suck, it might be granted?

'Cause really, last week sucked.  And this week, pretty much a suckfest too.

Firstly, my mom's diabetic 11 year old cat Tigger has been sick.  He had something that looked like a seizure the other day.  We were told it might have been a reaction to flea treatments and him being diabetic.  So we gave the cat a bath.  That wasn't a lot of fun.  The next day my mom took him to the vet. Turns out he is VERY anemic.  They aren't sure why, and my mom flat cannot afford the tests to really figure out why.  So far the vet is treating him as best as he can, with fluids mostly.  This vet doesn't keep animals overnight, so we keep having to take him back in to be checked again.  They are being super great and not charging for the extra care, God bless them.  But it remains to be seen if anything they can do at this point will help.

Also, today Tyler had a doctor's appointment at his GI specialist.  Tyler has been treated for acid reflux since he was a newborn.  He is also super picky about what he will eat and he has issues with constipation.  I went in thinking they were going to tell us to keep doing what we are doing, since he isn't doing too badly.  Instead, they said they want to do an endoscopy to see if there is an underlying problem that is causing him to not eat that well.  They also want to put a probe in for 24 hours that will measure the amount of reflux he's having.  Just the thought of putting him through that is making me feel sick.  I know it's what is best, they'll be able to treat him if there is a problem or we can take him off the reflux medication if that's not an issue anymore.  But it's still an awful though for a mother to have to allow her child to go through a scary thing like that.

Finally, I had my HSG test today.  It went okay, my uterus and right fallopian tube look good, but they dye wouldn't go through my left tube.  The doctor is blaming the fact that I was cramping during the procedure. Apparently, the opening of the tube is only about 1 millimeter, so if the uterus is cramping, the dye might not be able to get through.  Since the dye wasn't getting in at all and I don't have any history that would suggest a blockage, he isn't very concerned.  So we will continue with this cycle of Clomid and then move on if it doesn't work.

I guess I didn't think they would find anything abnormal, so now that nasty doubt is creeping in a little bit.  I know that if it's meant to be, it will happen.  But in this moment, I feel overwhelmed and sad.  I guess it's probably everything going on at once.

But if the universe could possibly squeeze out a less stressful, more pleasant or at least less eventful week next week, I would really appreciate it. Just putting it out there.

Is she or isn't she?

Be warned, this blog may be a little TMI! :)

So last night I was getting ready to go to bed and I noticed that I was spotting a little bit.  Obviously I've been on the watch for Aunt Flo, and I noticed the TP was a tiny bit pink.  For the first time in my entire life, I was happy!  Yes, this is what we want, get this crazy cycle over so that I can get started with THE PLAN! (See THE PLAN here) 

I went to bed, assuming that AF would be in full force by morning.

You know what assuming does, right?

I've been spotting all day, mostly brown (sorry) but even a tiny bit of reddish once earlier.  It comes and goes.  WTH is that about?  I never spot, I usually got to the bathroom and Hello Aunt Flo!  I don't know if this is more fall out from the miscarriage or what?! 

So officially, I am still waiting for AF.  If she doesn't show tomorrow I'm in danger of having the schedule be pretty messed up in terms of getting into the RE for testing on CD 3 :-/

On a positive not, hubby's swimmers look good.  I assumed they would, but it's good to know that's not an issue!

And that concludes your TMI post for today!  This post was brought to you by the letters A and F and the color red.  lol

A plan!

So I had my first RE appointment!  I really like my doctor.  Even though I had to drive to Noblesville for my first visit.  From now on I'll be seen in Carmel, which is closer to work.  He's super personable and funny.  The got us in right on time, even a little early (we were early) and we didn't wait too long for the doctor...It may sound silly that I mention that, but have you noticed how long you have to wait sometimes?  Anyway, so the nurse took us back and the first thing she did was take a photo of my and my husband!  They want photos in their charts!  I thought that was really cool, they want us to be a face, not a name!

So today was mostly a consultation.  He listened to our medical and TTC history and asked some questions. Then he said that it sounds like I probably just need a little boost and I am a good candidate to try Clomid.  He said the first step is to do some bloodwork, a glucose tolerance test, and an ultrasound, plus a sperm analysis for Adam.  My part needs to be done on cycle day 3.  Depending on the results of those tests, I'll start Clomid on CD 5.  The bloodwork is to check various hormone levels etc and the glucose tolerance test is to make sure I'm not insulin resistant.  The ultrasound will mainly be a baseline to give them a clear picture of what my ovaries are doing and how things look in chateau de uterus. Later in my cycle I think I would have more blood work done to check on ovulation.  He wants me to keep using OPKs so that we get a clear picture on if Clomid is making a difference. 

According to my doctor, 33% of woman get pregnant after being treated with Clomid.  We'll do 3 or 4 cycles with Clomid and if that doesn't work he's going to do a dye test, which will check the lining of my uterus and my tubes.  At that point we would try an hormone injections.  He also told me that (and I'm writing it here so I can't forget it) that it may be frustrating at first, but not to get discouraged.  He seemed very optimistic about my chances of getting pregnant. I feel very comfortable with him.

So I have a plan!  I feel like it's a new start!  At last I am at least going to be trying something different.  I also got some good advice from a friend and I'm going to make an effort to try and stop obsessing so much and enjoy this time a little more.  Since I'm working with an RE I can't just stop using OPKs and not track at all, but I'm going to calm down a bit and readjust my thought process at least.  She laughed at me because I said I planned to try to take a bit of a break.  Yeah, I plan to relax and take a break.  My name is Melissa and I am a control freak. LOL

We'll see how it goes!  I had another positive opk today at 10:00 am but my temperature wasn't up this morning, so hopefully I ovulated today and tomorrow it'll go up.  That would put dear AF due around the 31st. 

So just a little more waiting and then on to the next step!  Thanks for reading as always and thanks for all of the support!!!  I love you guys!

It's about time!

So, as you reader(s) know, I have been TTC for over a year now and last month I had an early miscarriage, or chemical pregnancy.  I've heard that the month after a miscarriage can be different in a lot of ways. Some woman are more fertile after a miscarriage.  Some woman don't ovulate at all for a month or more after a miscarriage.  Some ovulate very late, causing them to have a longer than normal cycle.

I fall into the last group!  Today is CD (cycle day) 28 and I finally got a positive OPK today.  My cycles are generally around 32 days long and I usually ovulate around CD18-22. I was really starting to think it wouldn't happen this month, which really ticked me off.  I mean, I lost my pregnancy, wasn't that enough? I shouldn't have to lose a month of trying on top of it. 

However, the timing isn't what I was hoping for.  I have my first appointment at my Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect, so I planned to *ahem* abstain today.  Oh well.

So here's to a long TWW (proceeded by a four week wait).  Aunt Flo should be due for her visit around 7/30-7/31 if my leutal phase is it's normal 11-12 days.

I feel like in a small way this cycle is easier on me because I have my appointment tomorrow as "back up". Of course, I want to get pregnant this month, but if Aunt Flo arrives, at least I will hopefully be armed with new information about myself and with any luck, a plan!

Stay tuned tomorrow for details on my appointment!

Bummin'

I'm feeling pretty bummed today....Aunt Flo (AF as she's know in TTC (trying to conceive) speak) arrived today. Another unsuccessful month. Adam and I gave it our best this month. I got a positive OPK (ovulation predictor kit) 5 days in a row. I thought I had some symptoms like extreme weepiness, fatigue, backache, sore breasts....but I guess these were in my head, cause there she was this afternoon. I even toyed with the possibility that it was implantation bleeding. I'm delusional. Or desperate. Ugh I know it's pathetic. I have a beautiful son, it'll happen when it's meant, yada yada. But this is my blog, right? I can bitch about this? Right? Next month would put a baby due near xmas and the next month would be near Tyler's bday...I didn't want either of those, but I don't want to stop either. Ugh, just the cherry on top of a crap sundae of a week.

Speaking of TTC speak, I'm amazed at all the acronyms! I've been hanging out on some forums (big mistake, I know) Can you guess these? Highlight after the acronym to see answer.

BD Baby Dance
AF Aunt Flo aka period
BFN Big Fat Negative
BFP Big Fat Positive
CD Cycle Day
DPO Days Past Ovulation
HPT Home Pregnancy Test
POAS Pee on a Stick
TWW/2WW Two Week Wait (refers to time between Ovulation and Next expected period)

I swear, it's another language entirely!

Okay, moving on...shake it off. Life goes on. On the upside, new posting series premiere coming soon! (I know, my whole 3 or 4 readers will be on the edges of their seats LOL) Twin and I are going to take a photo series of field trips with DOMO! Domo is...well a Domo....a little Japanese character. He's squarish and has a large gaping mouth. Her Domo was crocheted for her by a coworker. He is awesome and we will be traveling the city with him, taking fun photos and I'll be posting them here with some fun captions. So stay tuned! I promise that postings to come will be more upbeat!

Freaky-Me

I visited my optometrist today. It's something I've done since I was tiny--just a toddler. When I was a child up through about 19, I went to Riley Children's Hospital for all my eye care. I was born with something called a coloboma. It's basically a gap in the formation of iris of my eye, causing part of my optic nerve to be very thin. For me, it mostly means that I am legally blind in that eye (the left eye). I can see, but it's very blurry, even with glasses. Here's a picture of a coloboma (not mine):

Incidently, John Ritter had a coloboma. So does Madeline McCann.

In addition, I also have a condition called heterochromia iridum. That means that my eyes are two different colors. My right eye is green and my left eye is brown. It's always been that way, at least since my eyes changed color when I was a baby. Do you know that Jane Seymour and Demi Moore have this condition, too? Most likely, the two conditions are linked, likely the heterochromia iridum is a side effect of the coloboma, but not everyone who has a coloboma has two different colored eyes.

So anyway, today I visited my eye doctor. She's all the way in Greenfield, which is about 45 minutes from Indy. My mom had an appointment too, so we went together, with Tyler. My mom does not travel on interstates. So it was a bit of a drive. I go to this doctor because she offers a service called OptiMap, an alternate to eye dilation. I hate HATE HATE having my eyes dilated. In case you don't know, this involves eye drops, which are evil. It also involves blurry vision and extreme light sensitivity for pretty much the rest of the day. I have had it done countless times, but as soon as I heard there was an alternative, I said "Sign me up!"

The alternate, OptiMap involves literally taking a picture of the back of the eye. I simply press my eye to the lens of their machine, receive a flash of green light, and presto! Instant view of my optic nerves, retinas, etc. Aside from the little green floating spots I see for a minute or so afterward, no muss, no fuss. So here's my right eye. I understand it's pretty typical of a "normal" eye:

And here is my left eye, the "bad eye":

The green light floods through to the back of my eye, in a keyhole-effect because of the part of my iris that never formed.

So my left eye is pretty messed up. And there's no fixing it. When a nerve is damaged, it can't be repaired. So my right eye has done most of the work for my nearly 29 years. It wasn't good to start with (in case you don't know, my entire immediate family needs glasses for various reasons) and has weakened over the years. My doctor told me today it's a good thing I wear glasses, if for no other reason than to protect my right eye. I am at a higher risk of retinal detachment in that eye. That wouldn't be good. I'd be a dangerous blind person.

It was a pretty uneventful visit, my prescription hasn't changed too much. I certainly hope Tyler takes after Adam, who wears glasses but has pretty decent eye sight. I think I might get lucky there...the kid can point out a McDonalds from a mile away!

Tyler's Tale

So it was a sucky day and I'm trying not to be bummed that I'm not pregnant this month...so I was reading blogs and one of my friends wrote about the birth of her twins. So I thought I'd write Tyler's story!

I became pregnant with Tyler in May of 2008. We'd been trying for awhile and in May I was determined! I took a pregnancy test on Mother's day, but it was negative, and it was really too early to test. So the next Sunday, I woke early because I needed to go to the bathroom. I took a test, all the while telling myself that it was still quite early and it would probably be negative. I was also trying not to completely wake myself up because it was about 6 am. Not having a child at the time, I wanted to go back to bed because, well, I could back then. So I waited several minutes, squinted in the nightlight's glow, saw no second line and headed back to bed, tossing the test in the garbage.

Hours later, I got up and went to the grocery and went about my Sunday things. At some point in the afternoon I pulled the test out of the garbage on a whim and low and behold there was a second, faint, pink line. My heart skipped a beat. I stood very still for a few moments. Then, before I could get too excited, I grabbed the instructions to the test. They very clearly stated that the test should not be read after the first hour.

So was I or wasn't I?? I couldn't wait to know for sure, so I ran to the store and got a digital test. I rushed home, peed on the stick and....nothing. The darn thing was defective. I finally decided to wait until the next morning to take another test.

So Monday morning came and I craftily decided to pee in a cup and take not one, but two tests--one digital and one standard two-liner. Fast forward 3 minutes and Ta-Da! Two lines and "Pregnant"!!! I told my hubby and we celebrated, then we woke my mom (she lives with us) and we all celebrated some more! I called my sisters and my dad...we weren't waiting, we were too excited!

I got to work, ready to spread the news. Once there, I remembered that my ENTIRE department was away at a conference! I did tell one person, my friend Tracy, who was expecting twins at the time. She knew that I had been trying and periodically she'd walk by and give me a questioning thumbs-up. Usually I'd return it, then realize what she meant and say, "Oh! No, not yet!" So I told her and we got girly and excited!

So I was finally preggers! And thank God I wasn't trying to keep it a secret because the next week? MORNING SICKNESS! Morning sickness that would plague me for nearly the entire pregnancy. Nine month story short, I lost nearly 20 pounds early on and had a massive amount of food aversions. I ended up on medication so that I could function but I literally forgot what it's like to feel "fine" for awhile!

Around the 20 week mark, we had our big ultrasound. I'm a control freak, so there would be no waiting to be surprised on the sex of our baby! When the time came, I looked at the screen and said, "I think I know what that is!" The Ultrasound Tech confirmed my suspicions by labeling the picture "boy parts". So it really was a "Tyler" in there!

I was lucky, I didn't have any major problems, nausea aside. No gestational diabetes, no high blood pressure, just the normal stuff (aside from the nausea and a muscle that didn't like to stretch in my belly that would hurt if I stood too long...I rode a lot of those motorized carts that fall). Eventually my due date came and went. I was super uncomfortable and my nausea had returned full force, so I started my leave from work a little early. My doctor finally decided to induce me at about 41.5 weeks. It is a decision I regret.

So on January 26th I checked into the hospital as Indianapolis braced for a major snowstorm. Tucked away in my hospital room, I didn't have to worry about that too much, but we did end up with over a foot of snow, which was a problem for my visitors! I was started on cervidil to prepare my cervix Monday night. I hadn't slept the night before because I was too nervous. I didn't sleep Monday because it was a strange place and I was nervous. Tuesday morning they started me on petocin and inserted a balloon to help me dilate.  Later in the day I decided to get an epidural. It was the best 20 minutes of the whole experience (until he was born, of course). For some reason, the darn thing didn't work, whether that is due to my high tolerance for pain medication or bad placement, I don't know. Later they gave me another dose, but it only gave me another 20 minutes of relief. After that, I decided I didn't care anymore. With the help of my mom with breathing (it really helps!) and my hubby and sister for ice and cold washclothes, I hung in there.

I started to run a fever, so they started me on antibiotics just in case. They also got me up in my bed using a birthing bar to try to progress things. I guess I didn't mention that I had not dropped, so I did this during labor, by pushing. Unbeknownst to me, the nurses were sure I was going to have to have a C-Section. My mom says that at one point, she saw a huge change in me and it was like I had decided I could do this. I was going to do this. Now. So around 2 or 3 in the morning, it was time to push. Several hours in, I was really beat, so they helped me out a bit with a vacuum. I had been warned that there was meconium present and thanks to birthing class I knew what to expect with this. They didn't want the baby to cry right away, so he wouldn't breathe it in and I wouldn't get to hold him right away.

At last, at 6:17 am, Tyler Nicolas came into the world. It was surreal. They were checking him out, cleaning him up and making sure all was well. I couldn't see him and I just wanted someone to tell me he was okay and he was really here. It seemed like it took forever! Finally, I was able to reach my hand over and touch him. He held my finger and it was real. He was mine.

It was still quite some time before I could hold my little man. They wanted to make sure he was okay and I was somewhat (HA!) worse for ware, so it took what felt like hours to finish up on my many stitches. My doctor wouldn't tell me how many I needed, but my nurses called what I had a "vaginal C-Section" YEE-OUCH. I had fourth degree tearing (the worst category). Finally, finally after the nurse made me order some breakfast, I finally got to hold him in my arms. A few minutes later, I was feeding my son and my hubby was feeding me (I hadn't eaten since Monday night!) My mom and sister had to go home briefly, so it was our first moment as a family of three.

Shortly thereafter, we had our first dose of reality...Tyler fell asleep, so Adam and I both lay down, exhausted. I took my glasses off (in case you don't "know" me, I am blind as a bat without my specs) and nodded off right away. A few minutes later, Tyler began to cry. New-Mommy sprang out of bed, knocked her glasses off and stood their, blind and panicked. My hubby got up and helped me find my glasses and then we sort of looked at each other like, "Oh crap! We have to fix this! What do we do?"

Thank God for nurses. And thank God that a dirty diaper is an easy thing to fix.

And that is how Tyler came into this world.

Scary Survey

Scariest Survey EVER

Would you rather...

1.) Be able to comsume fatty foods without gaining weight OR be able to have unprotected sex without getting sexual diseases?

Ew. BLTs not STDs.

2.) Be able to communicate with animals, but only the nerds OR be able to read people's minds but only when they are thinking about aluminum siding topics and issues?

Easy. Animals. I've always been considered a nerd.

3.) Have a knack for model train set-ups but have an irresistible urge to punch people named Mildred in the breast and thighs OR be able to make anything shiny but be unable to refrain from making the tug boat gesture and sound any time an overweight person enters a room?

Number one, since I don’t know anyone named Mildred, and if I did, they might deserve it.--WORD

4.) During sex, be able to read the mind of the person you are having sex with OR be able to hit you or your partner's G-spot by finding Waldo in a Where's Waldo book? (each page used only once)

The mind reading thing encompasses both, n'est pas? Sorry I'm on a french kick. Use it or lose it. It means, "Is is not?"

5.)Every hour on the hour, change which gender you are attracted to OR turn your sexual partner into Tony Danza when you climax, and then turn them back to themselves the next time you have sex with them?

I'm not that okay with either one, since I happen to be straight. However, I'm fine with alternative lifestyles and not so fine with creppy old guys, so we'll go with A.


6.)Have your mom have to put on your condom like she was dressing you as a child OR never be able to call your spouse by the same name twice?

MMkkay Mom and condom should never appear in the same sentence, so I have no choice but to go with B.

7.)Have to use condoms that come in a wrapper where you have to finish the crossword puzzle before it can be opened OR be unable to shake the image of Meadowlark Lemon during all sexual congress?

The puzzle would be part of the fun! Plus, I'm married. I technically don't have to use a condom. And, there are other forms of bc if I got tired of puzzles


8.) Never be able to experience orgasm OR perpetually experience orgasm?

B hands down.

9.) Attract swarms of fireflies when aroused OR have the sound of microphone feedback intermittently emanating from your crotch?

LMAO, I can't say it better, twin: Feedback from my crotch would be hilarious.


10.) Your penis/breasts increase in size by 10 percent each year OR decrease in size by 2 percent each year?

Crap that's hard. I would hate to be bigger chested, but Adam's a boob man. I guess B, since it's only 2% a year. He'd get to enjoy them until they started sagging anyways.

11.) Vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code OR during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?

MS Help blows but I have to work sometime Option B.

12.) Have Bettie Davis eyes OR Charles Manson eyes?

Ew A.

13.) Be able to simulate the voice of anybody you meet OR simulate the hair?

I could make serious bank by simulating voices. I’ll take it. AGAIN I SAY WORD!

14.) Be able to achieve orgasm at will OR be able to make anyone other than yourself achieve orgasm at your will?

Others, how cool would that be? "Ding! You can thank me later." This was the last person’s answer, but I couldn’t change it. Perfect. I will have to second that earlier response. Although I was going to be totally selfish.

15.) Have taste buds all over your body OR have a malleable stress-ball head?

Stress ball head. I love those things!!!

16.)Have an ever-changing tattoo that takes the form of whatever image you will it be OR be able to psychically see anybody's internet browser history when looking at them?

Changing tattoo would rock!

17.) Have Gatorade saliva OR be able to murmur fluently in twelve languages?

me no likey gatorade. Beaucoup de culture!!!

18.) Be able to insist on paying for the check but never actually get stuck with it OR know exactly what the person on the other end of the phone looks like simply by hearing their voice?

The first one. :)

19.) Slide naked down a fire man's pole covered with tacks into a pool of scotch OR cheese-grate the skin off your left forearm

The second, but I’m weeping for either.

20.) Chew a used condom as gum for an hour OR have all your pubic hairs become ingrown? GAH!!! I think i have to say...oh crap man. B I guess but GAWD!

21.) Sleep a night on a bed of peanut butter OR next to a humidifier full of urine?

Peanut butter. What sick bastard wrote this survey.

22.) Have invisible skin OR see in strobe light?

See in strobe light. Then I could just gouge my eyes out. --Word. The only option.

23.) Have an intense urge to whisper sweet nothings into the ears of bus drivers as you pay your fare OR have parents who affectionately refer to you as "anal cakes"? Ew. I'm walking. A.

24.) Have permanent Cheetoh residue on your fingertips OR appear as Shemp of the three stooges in all photographs?
Cheetoh residue, as long as it didn’t get on my clothes or others. AGREED

25.) Have commercial interruptions during masturbation fantasies OR have to masturbate with the mandatory use of a Sesame Street's Elmo hand puppet?

It would be A, because I refuse to violate my childhood. AGAIN, I must concur.

Would your rather your only porn be......
1.) 6 second clips of hot people OR 2 minute clips of moderately attractive people? 2 minutes. I can’t get anything done in 6 seconds.
2.) Verbose, subtle erotic fiction OR pornographic Magic Eye 3D pictures? The first one. (Am I really going to post this in my blog?!)
3.) Animal Nature documentaries OR suggestive cloud formations? Cloud formations are much more fun.
4.) Geometric shapes OR family reunion pictures? SHAPES. No family EVER.
Again, I can't do better than this.

Would you rather live in a world....
1.) Where women were given equal pay, opportunity, and access to jobs OR where men experience the pains of the birth process along with women?

That's so hard. Can't I have B, just for one day??? My wallet says A.

2.) Where there was a rapper-like East Coast/West Coast feud of mimes OR where the pledge of allegiance was changed to the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger"?

Stupid. A.

3.) Where Teletubbies were a common species of creature that lived in the wild OR where there were evil, bizzaro arch-enemy versions of ourselves?

I think Teletubbies scare me more than enemy-types.

4.) Where the convention of singing "Happy Birthday" was replaced with "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive OR where congressional debate was settled by dodgeball contests?

Dodgeball! Helltotheyeah!!

5.) Without skin moisturizer OR without cream cheese?

Cream cheese. I have really dry skin.

(Guys) Would you rather have sex with....
1.) Hillary Clinton OR Natalie from Facts of Life? (This doesn’t apply to me, but Natalie. At least she was my age-ish.)
2.) Jessica Rabbit OR Daphne from Scooby Doo? (Duh, Jessica Rabbit.)
3.) Venus Williams OR Sheryl Crow if she spoke in the voice of an old Jewish man? (Sheryl Crow, I’d tape her mouth shut.) WoRD

Ladies...Would you rather have sex with...
1.) Bryant Gumble OR Weird Al Yankovic?

Bryant Gumble. Al might creep me out in that sitch.

2.) Alex Trebec OR Larry David?

That's sad. I don't know who Larry David is.

3.) Johnny Depp without a leg OR Tom Selleck without a moustache?

DUH Johnny's a hottie with a body, legs or no legs.

Immoral Dilemmas
1.) You are walking down the street and see an open briefcase with $1,000 in it. Across the street there is a police station. Do you spend it on whores or crack?

Stupid. I want neither drugs nor whores.

2.) You're driving at night and hit a dog. No one witnesses you hitting the dog. Do you bake or broil it?

This section sucks. I would cry

3.) You're waiting at a red light at 4 am. There isn't a car in sight. No one would see if you ran the light. Do you masturbate with your left or right hand?

Wha?! Wait ‘til I got home, Mr. Icky Survey! (ROTFLMAO I can't change that.)

Oh I need a shower after that. So sorry, but it was long so I can't not post it.

A letter to a dear friend

Dear Stomach,
I appreciate all that you do. I really do. I know that you work very hard. And while you have become a little flabby over the years, I hope I'm correct in saying that I've been pretty good to you. I give you the tasty stuff, and a decent amount of the good for you stuff.

So this leads me to ask, why have you turned against me???

First the frequent turbo charged bathroom problems. Embarrassing, painful and very inconveniant. Then the crippling cramps that start in my back and work their way forward. And now? I don't really know how to describe your latest assult. Sometimes I think I'm getting hungry. Then I realize that...well it feels like a volcano is gurgling in there. Not heartburn, exactly. And you are just...unsettled. You are unhappy. I get it. People are starting to think I'm getting an ulcer. is that what it is? Why now? Do you like the berry flavored tums or should I switch to the smoothie variety? Lord knows I'm close to calcium overdose from the chalky goodness.

And I must not forget to mention the recent agony I faced on an early sunday morn. you reduced me to my skivies laying in front of a fan, wishing for death. Not fun. I give you medicine. I give you tea. If I don't, you make me die. If I do, sometimes you make me die. Can we make a deal? A truce?

I'll even take a promise of no new afflictions? Come on? Please?

Your outer limits,
Melissa

P.S. Fuck off.