Today he would be two

My Gabe, I'm missing you today and every day. Love Mommy.

Dear Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,
Today I should be holding you in my arms.

Well, logically I know you'd have been born before today. Since your brother Tyler was an almost failed induction (and a three month recovery from the "success") and your brother AJ was born via C-Section, we were going to schedule your birth. But still, by today you would have been here with all of us.  And you're not, which makes Mommy very sad today.

My little boy.  In the months since you had to leave us, I've thought of you every day.  I've watched other mommies as their time came near and now I've watched as they brought their sweet babies into the world. I'm so happy for them, but it's a sad reminder that you and I will never share that moment.

I am so grateful for the time we had together. You were such a surprise to me, I really wasn't expecting for you to come into my life when you did.  You were a gift for me, the day before Mother's Day. It seemed meant to be!  For the first time, I got to surprise our family with the news that you were coming.  Daddy laughed, Gaga screamed, and Aunt G cried!  Your big brother helped me make little owl crafts--one from Tyler, one from AJ, and one from you.  We gave them to your Gaga for Mother's Day to tell her about you.

I carried you for just 11 and a half weeks. That doesn't seem so long, and it seems unfair that it was your entire lifetime.  I'm so sorry for that.  I feel as though I failed you, that my body failed us both.  I wish I could have done more to keep you here.

You were strong, my Gabe.  Everyone said so.  When your life was threatened at 8 weeks, everyone said you were strong to still be with us then.  And I'm so glad I got to see you.  Four times I got to see you on the screen, watch your little heart beating--so fast! Your Daddy and I got to see you wave your arms and even nodd your head!  It was a special moment, and one I cherish, so thank you for that.  I know in the end, it was just too much.

We miss you, Gabe. Mommy misses you. Daddy and Gaga and Tyler and AJ and Aunt Chall and Aunt G, we all miss you. People knew about you. I tried to make sure of that.  You were loved, you will always be loved.

Thank you for coming into my life, however briefly. I will always remember you and love you. As the boys grow older, I'll remind them that they had another brother.  They will know you.  I'll show them the little purple box (sorry, I didn't know you were a boy when I bought it and you know I love purple) and it's contents. They'll know of you as I know of your Aunt Nicky.

Watch over us with her and Butterfly, will you?

Love you always, to the moon and back.
Mommy

Memory Box

Life has been crazy, so I'm finally getting around to posting about the memory box I put together after my miscarriage. I drafted it awhile ago, but kept forgetting to take pictures! 

So I mentioned that on the second day after my surgery, I went out and bought a memory box.  I'm not sure what drove me to want to do this so urgently.  At the time I wasn't sure I even had enough things to warrant a box. I guess I wanted something that belonged to the baby or something to take out and look at when I needed to. But that morning, less than 48 hours after my surgery, mom was getting ready to run errands with the kids and I asked if I could go with her and if we could stop at a craft store so I could pick up a few things.  She agreed. I think she was glad I wanted to get out of the house.

We went Hobby Lobby and Michaels. I found a photo box that I liked and picked up some things to decorate the inside lid and a photo sleeve for one of the ultrasound pictures.  We ran errands and ate lunch out, probably one of the first decent meals I had eaten in awhile.  Once we got home, I rested awhile (I'd probably overdone it a little) but later that afternoon I got out my supplies and decorated the inside lid with flowers, an ultrasound pictures and a little bit of sparkle.

The box:

Purple of course. In my defense, I didn't know the baby was a boy until after I bought this

Inside the lid:

Again, probably a little girly. Sweet angel boy.

It's contents:

And here's a full list of it's contents, with photos:

• Pregnancy tests 

 

The expired strip was the first test I took, then confirmed with the $.88 test

• Hospital Bracelet
• These are paperweights I made from flowers from my bouquets. My mom did some like this after Nicky died. You can buy resin kits at the hobby stores. They were molded in the little bubbles you get toys in from the quarter machines at grocery stores. See how to do this here. 

It felt good to make things for baby. And for me.

• Photo Album (contains photos of tests, the owls we gave mom to tell her, the facebook announcement photos, and the flowers sent by my friend and my coworkers)--I got this at Walmart for like a dollar or two and it says "I love you to the moon and back" which I say to Tyler every night before bed. PERFECT
• The little purple hart was given to me at support group. There's a tiny purple heart and a bigger purple heart with a small heartshaped hole in it. They give these to every mom that miscarries. At their memorial, the mother's put the tiny heart with the ashes so that the baby has a piece of her heart and the mom keeps the larger heart.  The passage reads "Lovingly and tenderly handmade for you by those who care and share with you in this difficult time. We prayed today that 'the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, wil guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' Phil 4:7"
• Another item from support group--A card (with a butterfly on it) and inside, a ribbon holding a tiny gold ring. The passage reads "The ring is a perfect circle, the circle is never-ending just like your love for your baby. Everlasting love was present when you learned you were pregnant. As your baby is loved back to God, please accept this ring as a symbol of your pure love. Psalm 117:2 Great is His steadfast love toward us."
• The pink ribbon is from a vase of flowers my dear buddy (my coworker and I call each other buddy) sent me.

Gifts and memories

• A sweet card from Tyler's friend's family and my sweet cousin, plus a card from the surgery center staff (I realized there were addresses all over these, forgive the sloppy editing)
• Cards from the flowers from work and Buddy (my friend and I call each other Buddy)
• Notes from Buddy and A (another coworker) that they left on my desk when I was out

• Ultrasound photos, taken at 8 weeks, 9 weeks, and 10 weeks.

I like the earliest u/s picture the most, even though baby looks like a peanut. You can't see the SCH in that shot (the largest print)

• Print out of our facebook pregnancy announcement and comments
• Print out of our facebook loss announcement, comments, and my posts from my TTC group
• Print outs of texts and emails from friends and family  

I like to read these sometimes to remember that others knew about and cared about the baby.

• A tin of dried flowers/petals from my bouquets. I bought these special beads that pour over fresh flower. You put them in a bowl and microwave them (or let them set a few days) and they dry out.

Now I can keep them forever.

I'm glad I did this. I can definitely see the box sitting on a shelf or in my closet.  For now it's on my nightstand. I can see myself getting it down and going through it from time to time, and eventually probably on my due date (1/14) or on 6/28. I can see myself showing the items to the boys when they are older.  I'm not sure how we'll handle things with the boys. Tyler knows, obviously, but talking about it right now upsets him, so we aren't pushing the issue, just trying to watch for any signs that it's bothering him. I want it to be like how Angie, Michelle and I just always knew about Nicky and that we weren't sad about it, it just was.  I'm not sure it can be that way for Tyler, I think he might always remember that day.  But I don't think AJ will. I hope someday they will want to sit down and look at the items.

NIAW: You Are Not Alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am 1 in 8 women who have struggled with infertility.  This year's theme is "You Are Not Alone", so here are my thoughts on the subject...

In terms of infertility, there's really no such thing as LUCKY.  However, on my personal journey, I was lucky enough to discover the amazing infertility community fairly early on.  I'm not saying there weren't moments when I felt alone--I certainly had those, but I was fortunate enough to have friends (and I do sincerely consider them my friends) to share the experience with. When I was struggling, on days when I got that BFN or AF arrived or I was feeling discouraged, I was able to reach out to others who really knew how I felt.  They accepted me into the community, even though I had a child, even though I perhaps hadn't been in the trenches as long as some, and they've allowed me to stay in some capacity, even after I had my rainbow baby.  They mourned with me when I lost Butterfly, never pointing out that I'd only been pregnant for a matter of days, never minimizing my grief, never failing to support me when I wanted to talk about it.

Yes, I consider myself lucky.  I had moments where I felt alone, surely, but all I had to do was sit down at my computer, or even pick up the phone in a few cases, and then I wasn't alone anymore.  There were others that were willing to talk about nothing else all day long, because some days you needed to obsess.  There were others willing to talk about anything else, because some days the weight of it is too much to bare without distraction.

Infertility certainly has a way of isolating women.  Your body is supposed to do this naturally, but you feel as though you're failing miserably. It's what we're supposed to be made for, right?  And everyday we are bombarded with images of women, even teenage girls, who can do what we cannot.  It isn't fun to admit you can't do something you "should" be able to.  And so many people make assumptions.  If you don't have children, maybe you don't want them.  If you only have one, maybe you don't want more.  Maybe you're finished having kids by choice. 

Or maybe you want a child or another child more than anything else in the world.  You feel like no one understands or you feel like you can't share it with those around you.

But you aren't alone.  You have to take the step, you have to reach out and open yourself up, but then I promise you, you won't have to go through this journey alone.  Find a forum, a facebook group, a support group, find the girl at work that goes to so many doctors appointments, share your story with a stranger and find out that she's one of us too.

Because they are the bonds that cannot be broken.  Going though infertility bonds people.  Sharing the ups and downs, the losses and the triumphs.  And remaining friends after the journey's end.

My forum group eventually became a facebook group of eleven of my closest IF friends.  Two of them are still waiting for the miracles they were trying for when I 'met' them.  My heart aches for them.  One of them had a BFP recently, but the news from the early ultrasounds has not been encouraging.  Sadly, I've lost count at the number of losses.  Every member of the group has felt loss in her own life.  And we've felt each others losses too.  Those of us lucky enough to have children now share advice and updates, while supporting the ones that are still struggling.  I love these ladies and I pray I get the chance to meet them in person someday.

They kept me from feeling alone. And I know if I decide to try for another baby, they'll be with me every step of the way.  I am lucky.  Because without infertility, I probably wouldn't know Amy, Bri, Chelsea, Emi, Jen, Jynna, Kate, Laura, Molly and Roxy.  And I am privileged to call these ladies my friends.

If you are struggling with IF, I hope you find your group of ladies.  And if you don't know where to start, you'd be welcomed in my group of ladies, so leave a comment if you need support.

October 15th

Remembering all the babies gone too soon.

Three years ago and a prayer request

Prayer request first.  Twin sissy has been in the hospital since Saturday with gallstones and pancreatitis.  Me no likey.  So it looks like she'll be having her gallbladder out tomorrow.  She's never had surgery before, so please send her any prayers, thoughts and positive juju that you can!  I loves her much!

Since this a serious post, I just also need to recognize that it's been three years yesterday since I lost my little butterfly (Posts HERE and HERE).  I may not have known I was pregnant for more than a few days, but I still remember and think about it sometimes.

And poor AJ had an ear infection complete with extreme non-AJ like days (extremely scary lethargy) and a fever of 103.  So yeah, not a great few days for us. Le Sigh.