Make Lemonade

22 weeks pregnant!  Baby boy is the size of a papaya.  I need to check one out at the store, since I'm not familiar with them.

Today, I had a pregnancy craving.  I wanted lemonade.  I went out to get some lunch at a local deli.  I ordered my sandwich and grabbed a cookie to go with it.  I paid for my lunch and realize I'd forgotten to tell the cashier I wanted a cookie.  Oh well, I figured I'd just put it back.  But then the very nice lady behind me insisted on buying it for me--did she spy my baby bump?  So nice, right?  So I got my food and a nice big glass of lemonade and left feeling pleased.

That feeling was short-lived.  I pulled into my parking space at work and my lemonade tipped over and the Styrofoam cup was impaled by an unknown object.  A horizontal geyser of lemonade poured out of the hole and spayed around the interior of my car, filling the cup and change holders and soaking the carpet beneath the radio.

I stopped and threw my door open, holding the cup outside.  After a moment I realize it was a lost cause, so I opened the lid and poured out the contents.  Then I pulled the rest of the way into the space and cleaned up the sticky mess as much as I could.

*sigh*

I went into work and ate my lunch, sans lemonade.  About 2 pm I realized I still really wanted some, so I made the long walk to the back of building to the vending machines.  We almost always have lemonade.  Not today.  Orangeade yes, lemonade, of course not.

*sigh*

But now you'll excuse me because my husband has just returned with dinner and a big glass of lemonade.

*happy sigh*

ETA:  I'm very sad to report that Bob Evans has the most horrible lemonade I've ever tasted.  Even sugar did not help.  They also forgot my cole slaw and prepared a completely inedible BLT.  I lose today.

Duh

Today I got a text message from twin. "I can't find my phone. Can you call me?" So I did. She answered right away.
Me: "so you found it."
Twin: *giggles gleefully* "nooooo....how could I text you if I couldn't find my phone?" *more giggles*
Me: *facepalm* "you suck."
I really fell for that. The good news is so did my husband! :-D LOL!
It's been one of those weeks where things just aren't working like they are supposed to! I haven't even really been getting mad about it. It's sort of funny! Monday, I came to work to find my monitor kaput. Tuesday, the scanner wouldn't work. Or rather it wouldn't work FOR ME. Today my vein wouldn't work! They never have a hard time taking my blood and yet....
Ah well, its amusing, really!

ETA: Yeah and now I realize that submitting my blogs via text message posts very short separate entries.  Why on Earth would I want that?!  *rolls eyes*

What would I be?

My mom and I spent a lot of time talking on our little roadtrip last week.  I asked her what she would do (for a living) if she could do anything.  Not considering money, training, or even talent.  She said she would want to be a marine biologist.  She didn't even hesitate.

So why, a week later, am I still wondering what my answer to that question would be?  Well, as my mom pointed out, one reason is that I think way too much about a question like that.  I think, well I'd like to be a singer or an actress.  But then I think no, because I want to be married and have my kid(s) and live in Indiana and I couldn't really do those things and have that life. 

I guess it comes down to I can't imagine a life other than the one I have.  Sure, the trials and challenges aren't so desirable, but I would rather have my friends and my family then to trade away my problems.  Bottom line, I may not know what I want to be when I "grow up" or what I'd be if I could be anything, but today, I'm pretty happy just being me.

Now if only being me included a bigger paycheck :)

Tylerese

I find myself asking my (almost) 2 1/2 year old son exactly what language he is speaking.  I should preface this with the explanation that he actually speaks incredibly well.  He started talking pretty early and he never looked back.  By a year, he knew about 100 words.  He astonishes me with the words he knows AND understands.  We won't talk about the fact that he wouldn't call me Mama until he was 14 months old.

All that being said, he has chosen this time in his life to start speaking in what I like to call Tylerese.  It's basically jibberish, but in a SUPER ULTRA HYPERACTIVE way.  A few minutes ago it was "Kaleakylayaya".  He'll repeat it too, if you ask him, so I'm convinced that he knows what he means.  He usually combines these hyper-talk moments with quite literally bouncing off the walls running around. 

My point?  I need a translator up in here!

RIP Sammy

Sadly today I must report a death.  My dear smartphone (since dubbed Sam.  I felt he deserved a name in his passing) died a terrible death in the parking lot outside my office this morning.  I dropped him.  I feel so terrible.  I used to carry my phone in my pocket but my new fancy phone has a touch screen and I sometimes carried it in my hand. I exited my car, juggling a bag, purse, keys and phone and which item do I drop?  Sammy.  I stopped and said "Man I am going to have to be so much more careful with this thing, totally thinking it was going to be fine or maybe slightly scratched.  It was face down, so I flipped it over and the screen was totally shattered.  &%$@  I totally almost bought a case this weekend too, which might have helped my phone to be not completely destroyed, but the saleslady was a bitch.  I picked up one and wanted to see how my phone would look with it on. It was at a little kiosk in the mall, so the packages pop right open so you can do just that.  I put in part way on and started to take it off again and she snapped at me that I was going to break it and snatched it (with my phone) out of my hands. She removed the case, put it back in the package and hung it back up.  I was like, "okay I was going to buy that but since you obviously don't care to sell it to me...."  So this was a totally senseless tragedy. Here is what the little scene looked like:

This image is inspired by the genius that is Ali and her blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/.  I hope this doesn't come off as copying her.  It's a FABULOUS blog and you should ALL check it out.  All 5 of my readers LOL

Anyway, my phone is toast.  And I, being brain dead, did not purchase the insurance policy.  It is my first smart phone and I have only had it 3 weeks.  It still rings, but the screen is shattered.  So very sad.  And even sadder, I had to purchase a new phone at full retail price or refurbished price.  So I will not be replacing this phone with the same model.  I'm getting an older one and my mom is going to take it, then I'm going to take hers (it's just like mine).  She doesn't want or need so many features so she wants to trade.

Isn't that a sad story?  Do you know what is also sad? I'm going through serious withdrawl.  I haven't been without a working cell phone since I was 18.

Goodbye Sammy. We had some good times together...Activation, the time we spent in the marketplace, our Angry Birds rendezvous...you will be missed.  At least until my new one comes and I forget how much I had to spend to fix this.  RIP Sammy.

Twin Talk: Russell Brand ICK

Here is a conversation had by twin and I, plus my older sister a few minutes ago.  I admit, it's pretty un-classy, so be warned. Also, explanation, Twin says the word bulbous to me randomly because it makes me giggle uncontrollably.

Twin: I'm so pissed off that they are making a new Arthur movie.

Me: I know!  There wasn't anything wrong with the original.

Twin: I even liked Liza Minelli in it.

Me: I forgot she was in that. I hate Russell Brand.  He's icky!

Twin: I know!  I look at him and I'm like, "Great! I have an STD now!"

Me: *rotflmao*

Twin:  He's like gonorrhea.

Me: He TOTALLY is!!!

Twin:  No, he's like chlamydia!

Older sister: Is he like genital warts?

Twin: No, because genital warts are hidden sometimes and Russell Brand is always up your business, burn and itching and making your cooch smell funny.

Me: *more rotflmao*

Twin: Oh and also, bulbous.

Me: *dies from laughing*

My husbands TV Debut!

Check it out, my hubby's famous!

He's such a dork, but I love him!

Domo's Destinations, Part One!

Welcome to part one of Domo's Destinations!! In this episode: Pet Store! (Captions by me and Twin! Funnier parts by Twin!)

Domo says: "OUTSIDE!  This is not the sofa!  Today is the best day EVAR!"

Doma doesn't think Guinea pigs look like guineas or pigs.  "Are they tasty?  Will they help me destroy cities?  What's the point?"

Domo views guinea pigs from above.  "Do you guys want to be my minions?  I do need minions."

Who is cuter, Domo or puppy?  "I come in peace, furry one.  Please do not chew on me."

Domo goes Aquatic.  "Guys, are scuba suits expensive?  Because I would really like to go swimming, but I don't work the wet look."

Domo can swim!  "Sing the Jaws theme! SING IT!"

Domo considers catching some dinner.  "FISH.  Beer batter yourself, deep fry, then get in my belly!  NOW."

"Grow, little lizard.  Together we will stomp on buildings and wreak havoc."

 "Did you run over him?  Why is he so flat?  Tell me what you did to him!"

Domo fears the albino snake! But not because he's white. That would be racist.  "No, it's because it's a snake.  If it's a python, how is it going to find my neck?  It's going to wrap itself around my armpit and I'm gonna get all 127 Hours'd!"

Domo wants to talk car insurance, but the gecko is not on duty, it seems.  "TELL ME HOW I CAN SAVE 15%  OR MORE!  I will also settle for Flo's number."

Domo noms on a chew toy.  "Diff fing taftef  like baffrobe."

Domo is admonished, because said chew toy has not been purchased yet. "I was just getting sampling!  Is that not allowed here?"

Domo is ashamed.  "I have been chastised.  I am torn between despair and the urge to stomp things."

Domo gets a birds-eye view of birds.  "So what's the deal with you guys?  Your arms are weird.  Wait, they make you levitate?  That's AMAZING."

Domo has a wonderful idea! Domo should totally try flying!  "I can totally do this.  Those things are teeny and feather covered.  I am Domo.  I will FLY!"

It's wooorrkkking!  "I'm Flying, Jack! I'm--"

FAIL.  "Owwww.  Need a little help here."

Now Domo really sees birdies...  "You saw nothing, do you understand me? NOTHING!"

Does this sweater make Domo look square?  "I feel pretty!  Oh, so pretty!  I feel pretty and witty and--- are you taking my picture?  It's just for us, right?  Don't put this on the internets.  I trust you."

Domo considers becoming a prissy purse pet.  "If Paris Hilton lays one finger on me, though, I am OUT."

Caged Domo!  "I don't think I like this.  It's not cushy at all, and I can't seem to find the TV.  What am I, an animal?  Wait... am I?"

Domo mustn't lick his stitches.  "This will really help sell it to Flo.  I'm gonna marry her."

Domo wishes to tell you that his water dish is empty.  "And just how am I supposed to jacuzzi in an empty water bowl, huh?!:

Domo always takes the stairs.  "As someone wise once said, escalators can never break.  They can only become stairs.  Plus, elevators are big death boxes, I saw it on 20/20 or something."

Flyin' atcha!  "Domo must go now!  I will return when you need me most!  Or when my humans are bored.  Whichever comes first!"

Twin Talk 2

Another example of how my twin sister cracks me up:

Actually, I should preface this story with an explanation. Wait, how about a riddle, followed by an explanation? Yes? Excellent…

My sister and I are twins. She is three minutes older than me, but I am three weeks older than her. How is that possible?

Answer: We were literally conceived at two different times. Typically, fraternal twins like us are conceived from two separate eggs released at the same time. However, our mother actually ovulated two different times in a month. I was conceived first and Angie was conceived about three weeks later. She was actually born first, making her three minutes “older” than me, at least to the outside world. The reason we know this is that my sister was proclaimed several weeks premature. We also varied in weight more than most twins do, she was 5 lbs 5 oz and I was 6 lbs 2 oz (I think).

So! On to the funny…

I posted a mini-survey thing on my facebook page and one of the questions was “What is your first memory of me?” Here is my sister’s response:

My first memory of you. "Sweet, I'm gonna be a human! Let's settle into the Chateau de Uterus... Hi... I wasn't aware that I'd be sharing this place. And you've already made yourself comfortable! Fantastic. Scoot over, I'm still staying."

Upon reading this, I emailed her:

Me: I'm an literally LOLing at work!

Angie: I thought that might make you laugh. :-D

Me: LMAO and what was I saying to the sudden invasion? Man I loves you!

Angie: I loves you, too!

And I thought of that. Here's you,

"Man, it is tiring splitting all these cells! It's time for a na--Hello? Is that the pizza I ordered? Good lord, you're tiny! What do you mean room-mate? There was nothing in the lease about a room-mate, just 9 months, then eviction. Oh god, FINE. You can stay. That half. No, that half. No, your parts are in my half, MOVE. Oh, this is gonna suck."

Me: I'm doing something way beyond ROTFLMFAO right now. Seriously. I'm starting a file of things like this you say. Someday I'll publish it or something.

Angie: I want some of the money.

Me: LOL we'll talk. Just kidding, agreed. I feel like it needs to be followed up with a dialogue of me "kicking you out".

Angie: This is true. Hmmm.

I am beginning to consider tape recording all of our conversations. I can’t make this stuff up.

So...Halloween Edition

So I'm back...again...some more. Been a little busy for the last little while. Tyler is 9 months old and a great big time suck of awesomeness. He's so much more fun now that colic is over and he can (and chooses to) amuse himself sometimes. See cuteness:




And I've decided I still like blogging. I just wish I could get people to read...how do you do that?

So here goes.

Today at work we had the option of wearing Halloween costumes. I love stuff like that. I like to dress up in costume. I don't know why, really. Maybe it has to do with my background in theater. Maybe it's an attention thing, whatever. It's fun. I loved it in grade school, during Spirit week. We'd have a Red, White, and Blue day (Go Rebels!), a "Come as you are" PJ day. There was funny hat day and hippie day. I loved it all. Pj day was especially awesome from a comfort standpoint.

So anyway, today. I did a quick poll at work to make sure I wouldn't be the only person participating. I'm a bit of a follower that way. Assured that at least a few people were dressing up too, I scoured my house looking for my costume. I decided to resurrect a costume I used as a skating costume years ago. My aunt made it for a routine I did to "Reflections" from the Disney Movie, Mulan. It's a short kimono robe, black with red roses. I knew where it was, because I've used it as a robe on occasion. But I also had a gold obi belt. And I wasn't 100% sure I knew where that was. Well, I knew it was with my skating costumes, but I wasn't sure where they were either. So I looked in our shed, but I didn't see the container I thought it was in. I looked in our garage. I looked in our attic. I ended up back in our shed, where with the help of my mom and sister, we basically emptied it out.

On a side note, when we opened the shed doors, we found a wooly worm. In case you don't know, they look like this:



Cute right? I thought so. So we scoured the shed and finally found the box we needed. All the way in the back, the very last box in the shed.

And it was COVERED in ladybugs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of bugs, really. If they can bite or sting me, I don't like 'em and I might get a little twitch if one buzzes my ear or something. Also if they bite or sting and try to touch me, I kill them. But if they are docile buggies, I simply ignore them. If they find themselves trapped in my house, I scoop them into a cup or something and put them outside. I've recently done this with three or four ladybugs that have shown up in my bed (the hell?). But a hundred or so bug of any kind freaks my shit out, mmkay? So I'm getting all gacked out and using one of those gopher claw things to remove each item from the box one by one. Finally found the sash and after a few shrieks from stray bugs crawling up my leg and a lot of itching that made me feel like they were crawling on me, we repacked the shed and headed out. But Mr. Wool E. Wurm was still hanging out on the inside of the door, but now he's moseyed his way to the very top, where if I had closed the door, I'd squish him. Mr. Wurm was cute and fuzzy and let me pet his back, so I didn't want to squish him. So here we were, three grown women in a dark yard, with flashlights, trying to convince a worm to go on his merry way so we could close the door. And it was starting to rain. Eventually, our cajoling caused him to fall off the door. Then he curled into a ball and did the roly-poly thing. So we left him alone.

Fun times. And you know what? I went looking for that worm today. He's gone of course, but I looked just the same.

Scary Survey

Scariest Survey EVER

Would you rather...

1.) Be able to comsume fatty foods without gaining weight OR be able to have unprotected sex without getting sexual diseases?

Ew. BLTs not STDs.

2.) Be able to communicate with animals, but only the nerds OR be able to read people's minds but only when they are thinking about aluminum siding topics and issues?

Easy. Animals. I've always been considered a nerd.

3.) Have a knack for model train set-ups but have an irresistible urge to punch people named Mildred in the breast and thighs OR be able to make anything shiny but be unable to refrain from making the tug boat gesture and sound any time an overweight person enters a room?

Number one, since I don’t know anyone named Mildred, and if I did, they might deserve it.--WORD

4.) During sex, be able to read the mind of the person you are having sex with OR be able to hit you or your partner's G-spot by finding Waldo in a Where's Waldo book? (each page used only once)

The mind reading thing encompasses both, n'est pas? Sorry I'm on a french kick. Use it or lose it. It means, "Is is not?"

5.)Every hour on the hour, change which gender you are attracted to OR turn your sexual partner into Tony Danza when you climax, and then turn them back to themselves the next time you have sex with them?

I'm not that okay with either one, since I happen to be straight. However, I'm fine with alternative lifestyles and not so fine with creppy old guys, so we'll go with A.


6.)Have your mom have to put on your condom like she was dressing you as a child OR never be able to call your spouse by the same name twice?

MMkkay Mom and condom should never appear in the same sentence, so I have no choice but to go with B.

7.)Have to use condoms that come in a wrapper where you have to finish the crossword puzzle before it can be opened OR be unable to shake the image of Meadowlark Lemon during all sexual congress?

The puzzle would be part of the fun! Plus, I'm married. I technically don't have to use a condom. And, there are other forms of bc if I got tired of puzzles


8.) Never be able to experience orgasm OR perpetually experience orgasm?

B hands down.

9.) Attract swarms of fireflies when aroused OR have the sound of microphone feedback intermittently emanating from your crotch?

LMAO, I can't say it better, twin: Feedback from my crotch would be hilarious.


10.) Your penis/breasts increase in size by 10 percent each year OR decrease in size by 2 percent each year?

Crap that's hard. I would hate to be bigger chested, but Adam's a boob man. I guess B, since it's only 2% a year. He'd get to enjoy them until they started sagging anyways.

11.) Vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code OR during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?

MS Help blows but I have to work sometime Option B.

12.) Have Bettie Davis eyes OR Charles Manson eyes?

Ew A.

13.) Be able to simulate the voice of anybody you meet OR simulate the hair?

I could make serious bank by simulating voices. I’ll take it. AGAIN I SAY WORD!

14.) Be able to achieve orgasm at will OR be able to make anyone other than yourself achieve orgasm at your will?

Others, how cool would that be? "Ding! You can thank me later." This was the last person’s answer, but I couldn’t change it. Perfect. I will have to second that earlier response. Although I was going to be totally selfish.

15.) Have taste buds all over your body OR have a malleable stress-ball head?

Stress ball head. I love those things!!!

16.)Have an ever-changing tattoo that takes the form of whatever image you will it be OR be able to psychically see anybody's internet browser history when looking at them?

Changing tattoo would rock!

17.) Have Gatorade saliva OR be able to murmur fluently in twelve languages?

me no likey gatorade. Beaucoup de culture!!!

18.) Be able to insist on paying for the check but never actually get stuck with it OR know exactly what the person on the other end of the phone looks like simply by hearing their voice?

The first one. :)

19.) Slide naked down a fire man's pole covered with tacks into a pool of scotch OR cheese-grate the skin off your left forearm

The second, but I’m weeping for either.

20.) Chew a used condom as gum for an hour OR have all your pubic hairs become ingrown? GAH!!! I think i have to say...oh crap man. B I guess but GAWD!

21.) Sleep a night on a bed of peanut butter OR next to a humidifier full of urine?

Peanut butter. What sick bastard wrote this survey.

22.) Have invisible skin OR see in strobe light?

See in strobe light. Then I could just gouge my eyes out. --Word. The only option.

23.) Have an intense urge to whisper sweet nothings into the ears of bus drivers as you pay your fare OR have parents who affectionately refer to you as "anal cakes"? Ew. I'm walking. A.

24.) Have permanent Cheetoh residue on your fingertips OR appear as Shemp of the three stooges in all photographs?
Cheetoh residue, as long as it didn’t get on my clothes or others. AGREED

25.) Have commercial interruptions during masturbation fantasies OR have to masturbate with the mandatory use of a Sesame Street's Elmo hand puppet?

It would be A, because I refuse to violate my childhood. AGAIN, I must concur.

Would your rather your only porn be......
1.) 6 second clips of hot people OR 2 minute clips of moderately attractive people? 2 minutes. I can’t get anything done in 6 seconds.
2.) Verbose, subtle erotic fiction OR pornographic Magic Eye 3D pictures? The first one. (Am I really going to post this in my blog?!)
3.) Animal Nature documentaries OR suggestive cloud formations? Cloud formations are much more fun.
4.) Geometric shapes OR family reunion pictures? SHAPES. No family EVER.
Again, I can't do better than this.

Would you rather live in a world....
1.) Where women were given equal pay, opportunity, and access to jobs OR where men experience the pains of the birth process along with women?

That's so hard. Can't I have B, just for one day??? My wallet says A.

2.) Where there was a rapper-like East Coast/West Coast feud of mimes OR where the pledge of allegiance was changed to the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger"?

Stupid. A.

3.) Where Teletubbies were a common species of creature that lived in the wild OR where there were evil, bizzaro arch-enemy versions of ourselves?

I think Teletubbies scare me more than enemy-types.

4.) Where the convention of singing "Happy Birthday" was replaced with "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive OR where congressional debate was settled by dodgeball contests?

Dodgeball! Helltotheyeah!!

5.) Without skin moisturizer OR without cream cheese?

Cream cheese. I have really dry skin.

(Guys) Would you rather have sex with....
1.) Hillary Clinton OR Natalie from Facts of Life? (This doesn’t apply to me, but Natalie. At least she was my age-ish.)
2.) Jessica Rabbit OR Daphne from Scooby Doo? (Duh, Jessica Rabbit.)
3.) Venus Williams OR Sheryl Crow if she spoke in the voice of an old Jewish man? (Sheryl Crow, I’d tape her mouth shut.) WoRD

Ladies...Would you rather have sex with...
1.) Bryant Gumble OR Weird Al Yankovic?

Bryant Gumble. Al might creep me out in that sitch.

2.) Alex Trebec OR Larry David?

That's sad. I don't know who Larry David is.

3.) Johnny Depp without a leg OR Tom Selleck without a moustache?

DUH Johnny's a hottie with a body, legs or no legs.

Immoral Dilemmas
1.) You are walking down the street and see an open briefcase with $1,000 in it. Across the street there is a police station. Do you spend it on whores or crack?

Stupid. I want neither drugs nor whores.

2.) You're driving at night and hit a dog. No one witnesses you hitting the dog. Do you bake or broil it?

This section sucks. I would cry

3.) You're waiting at a red light at 4 am. There isn't a car in sight. No one would see if you ran the light. Do you masturbate with your left or right hand?

Wha?! Wait ‘til I got home, Mr. Icky Survey! (ROTFLMAO I can't change that.)

Oh I need a shower after that. So sorry, but it was long so I can't not post it.

LOLZ

OH MY GOD! I love this website. It's call icanhascheezburger.com They have a whole language for animals that is just awesome! Here is just a taste cause I'm bored and it makes me laugh.