Pic of the Week: Tenacity

I need to do a pic of the week more often!  Yesterday, I was walking through our back lot at work and I spotted this little flower (I'm sure it's really a weed, but I think it's pretty) growing in the middle of all that gravel.  It's a highly traveled area too, both foot traffic and vehicles, heck the area was also marred by the moving around of a track vehicle in that area.  Yet here is this little tiny thing, growing in spite of it all.  It just struck me.

Funny aside:  I got my phone out to take this picture and the glare of the sun was so bad I was just pointing and shooting and I realized the first picture was taking with the front camera.  I got a great shot of me making my stupid concentrating face.  That one got deleted!

Pic of the week: The Wandering Chicken

I have lots of updates but for now, I just had to share this picture! Randomly, a chicken, was wandering around The parking lot at work today. I have no idea where it came from!

Pic of the Week: Remembering Butterfly

I still need to write a post about AJ's first birthday (?!), but first, I'm re-posting something I wrote today on my other blog, Ask An Infertile.

Today is a day put aside in remembrance.  A day to stop everything in our hectic lives and remember the babies we have lost.  It's a day to think of the sweet babies that were taken too soon, the pregnancies that ended before their time, and the angels born asleep.

Like Rachel, my loss took the form of an early miscarriage (I share her hatred for the term "chemical pregnancy").  My husband and I had been trying for over a year to conceive our second child.  My doctor was just getting ready to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist.  We were trying one last month on our own.

A good friend of mine in the TTC community had just found out she was pregnant with her second child.  We'd "met" on an online forum and discovered that not only did we live in the same town, but that our children were born just two days apart.  Then we found out that they were born in the same hospital AND her mother had been my nurse!  We had talked for months about how great it would be to be pregnant together, to be "due date buddies".  When she got her BFP, I wanted so badly to follow her!  My TWW crept along.  I took a test and didn't see anything.  I posted a picture online (do all TTCers take pictures of their peesticks?  It's not just me, right?) and a few people with much better eyesight than I have been blessed with thought they saw a little something.

The next morning, I tested again.  This time I could see it too!  It was very faint, but it was positive!  My husband and I were over the moon!  It was the day before Father's Day and we were ecstatic to receive such a gift!  My friend and I were going to have both children the same age and we couldn't have been happier!

But that happiness, that heavenly feeling, was short-lived.

The day after my BFP, I took another test and was pleased to see a darker line, but disappointed that my digital test was negative.  I reminded myself that digital tests aren't a sensitive, it was probably just too early.  That afternoon, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting when I used the restroom.  I was nervous immediately, but I kept telling myself that bleeding isn't uncommon in the first trimester.  I reached out to my friend, who said the same thing.  It would be okay. It just had to be okay.

The next morning, I didn't take a test.  Maybe part of me just didn't want to know.  I felt alright, I was even having some symptoms already, and I hadn't had any more spotting overnight.  I went to work and started looking for an OB.  I called and made an appointment, even chatting anxiously with the nurse about how I'd had a little spotting and was just so nervous and excited.  She reassured me that it's normal, it's probably nothing, don't worry unless it's heavy or accompanied by cramping.

Monday afternoon I noticed a little more spotting.  By Tuesday morning I couldn't avoid it any longer, I took another test and my heart sank.  The line was light, extremely light.  I took another test, but got the same result.  In complete denial, I decided maybe they were a bad batch of tests, so I took my last remaining test, a digital.  Negative.  Tears immediately sprang to my eyes, but I pushed them back.  I picked up my phone and called into work, then called the OBs office where I'd scheduled an appointment. They agree to have me come in for a blood test.  The day seemed to go in slow motion.  Drive to the doctor's office.  Don't look at the pregnant bellies.  Don't look at the adorable toddlers and infants in the waiting room.  Go to the lab.  Have blood drawn.  Go home. Put feet up. Drink water.  Ignore the cramping.  Don't think about the bleeding--it's bleeding now, not just spotting.  Go online, read message of support from my friends--Don't give up!  It's not over!  Go to bed to escape.

The next morning, I texted my boss telling him I'd be late.  I waited for a call, but I didn't make it very far before I cracked and called to beg for my results, even though I already knew.

"We got your test results in.  You were never pregnant. Your HCG level was only 3.  If you had been pregnant, it would still be higher."

 I couldn't even think.  I saw those perfect pink lines.  I felt the symptoms, the breast tenderness, the gas, I FELT PREGNANT.  She had to be wrong.

I realized later that she was.  It was a callous thing to say, and obviously not true.  False negative pregnancy tests aren't possible.  She only managed to make me feel worse as I dissolved into tears at a loss she didn't even recognize.

I told my husband and my mother.  I cried.  I told my son, who wasn't quite 2 1/2, but knew mommy had a baby in her belly and knew mommy was sad.  I cried.  I got up, got dressed, drove to work.  I cried.  I told my boss.  I cried.  I worked, desperate to concentrate on anything else.  I cried any time anyone asked how I was.  They didn't know, but I cried, so I had to explain. As the hours and days went on, I found that sharing helped. I ended up sharing my loss with more people than I'd been able to share my joy with.

Many people probably didn't understand my grief. I had only known I was pregnant for four days.  But I wanted a baby so badly, and as soon as I saw those two pink lines I wanted THAT baby.  I was devastated that I would never know my baby, never get to see my baby grow and learn.  My heart broke to think I'd never hold that baby in my arms. 

Since I didn't know if my baby was a boy or a girl, I've always simply thought of him or her as Butterfly.  I've always adored butterflies and they've always held a great deal of significance to me.  I felt like this beautiful little spirit flitted into my life for such a breif time, and since butterflies are thought to only live a short time, it seems fitting.

So tonight at 7:00 pm, I lit a candle for all the sweet babies lost too soon.  And I lit another one for my Butterfly.

Seeing Results

I went ahead and tried level 3 of the 30 Day Shred on Friday.  WHOO It is pretty brutal!  I could definitely tell I was working muscles I haven't been working too much thus far.  I am still pretty darn sore, especially in the backs of my legs and my gluts.  I kept watching her demonstrate the moves and I would think to myself, "No way can I do that!"  Then I'd try it and I could!  There was only one move I just can't do successfully--RockStar jumps.  Basically, you jump straight up and kick your feet back behind you.  For some reason, that just KILLS my knees.  So I modify it, still doing a jump, but small keeping my feet under me.

Sunday my mom remarked that you could really tell that I'm trimming down, especially in my upper tummy.  It made me so happy to hear that! Then Monday at work, a coworker of mine that doesn't come into the office very often also remarked that I was "looking great" and he could tell I was losing weight!  SQUEE!! LOL  Monday's weight in has me down 19.2 lbs--SOOOO close to 20 now and really close to my next big weight goal!

Weekends can be a real challenge for me food wise, since we tend to eat out a time or two and I sometimes don't get a chance to track my intake until later.  Saturday I did well, get a burger at lunch, but only eating half of it and having a salad on the side.  My sister was with me and we did get some frozen yogurt later, but I kept my portion pretty small and it was easy to track the calories since you pay by weight.  We ran errands and I picked up a few things for AJ's birthday party (my baby will be 1 in less than TWO WEEKS!?).

When we got home, I was getting the kids out of the car when a pretty, reddish golden retriever walked up to us.  Luckily, she was wearing a collar with tags.  I put her in the backyard so she wouldn't wander away and once we got the kids settled, I got the phone number off the tags and called it. The number was for a service that helps reunite pet owners with their pets.  I gave the lady the ID number and name on the tags--Molly.  She tried to call the owners, but got no answer, so she gave me the owner's name, phone number, and address.  I immediately recognized the street name, she hadn't wandered far!  I called and spoke to her owner, an older lady and offered to walk Molly home.  She was grateful--she hadn't realized Molly was gone! Apparently they had some workers at the house, so things were loud and chaotic and she'd thought the dog was downstairs with her son.  Also, apparently this sort of thing was Molly's "one fault"--I guess she's done this before!  Tyler thought the whole thing was a great adventure, although I think he would have liked Molly to have stayed a while longer to play!

Pretty Molly and silly Tyler-Man

Sunday I made a diet boo boo.  We went to a picnic my dad's work was holding and we stopped to get Tyler a Happy Meal on the way, knowing he wouldn't eat there.  Adam got a cheeseburger and asked if I wanted one.  Thinking I might not eat much at the picnic and that a single cheeseburger wasn't too high in calories, I said yes.  I didn't immediately plug it into MFP and later I forgot all about it!  It wasn't until I was adding up my calories before dinner that Adam reminded me.  OOPS!  Well, luckily this was before dinner, so I was able to adjust a little bit, but I still went into my exercise calories more than I would have liked.  Lessons learned:  EVERYTHING at McDonald's is high in calories and track them when you eat them! 

The picnic was at a park, and it was drizzling all day.  We'd thought they would move it to an indoor location, but the joke was on us!  (Another lesson learned--bring extra clothes just in case!  I had to run across the street to Kmart to get the kids sweats so they wouldn't freeze!)  The owner of the string of dealerships my dad works for throws quite an event, giving away gifts to all the employees and all the children who come. Tyler was thrilled to chose a motorized Thomas the Train set and we chose a ball-launching toy that unfortunately seems to scare AJ.  He likes the balls, batting them around on the floor like a cat, but he doesn't care for the noise and the launching.

I did not work out Monday.  I was kind of bummed about it, and it makes me nervous in a weird way, like worried I won't get back into it.  We had to drop the van off at the dealership and by the time we got home it was after nine and I was supremely cranky.  Ah well, no rule says the 30 Day Shred can't be completed in 31 Days!  9 more days and I will have completed it!  I really think I'm going to make it this time!

OH!  One more thing to add!  AJ took his first steps on Monday!  GO AJ!!

SetBACK and Photo challenge: Workspace

My Workspace

So that's it! Photo challenge finished!  Thanks Fat Mum Slim (Chantelle)!  I need a little break from the rigors of everyday posting, but I think I'll definitely join in on this monthly challenge again down the road!  Oh and readers, if you can spare a moment, go and vote for Chantelle and her amazing blog to be the most click-able woman of 2013!  She's awesome and she dreams of creating an app for her photo a day challenge, which would be epic!  Read about this here and click the link on the post to vote! :)

So there it is!  July in photos!

So I woke up this morning and about 10 minutes later, my back started hurting.  I'm not unfamiliar with the pain.  I have had a bad back for a long time, since back in my skating days.  I was once told that the cartilage between my bottom two vertebrae has been worn away. I've also been told I have had pinched nerves and muscle spasms.  I blame the latter for my current pain.  A couple of times a year, I'll have an "episode" where it hurts a LOT for a few days.  If it's not too bad, I wait it out. If it gets very bad I got to the doctor and am usually given an RX for anti inflammatories, steroids, and/or muscle relaxers.  Usually the pain goes away in a few days.  The worst it's ever been, I was putting on a pair of shorts one morning and ended up on the ground in pain.  That was on the day of my second interview at a job I had right after we got married.   That one sent me to the ER, AFTER I went to the interview.  On crutches.  Yes, I got the job.

That was the worst.  Today at times has been worse than that.  I made it to work okay.  I was very stiff, slow, and hunched over, but I made it.  If I sat still it wasn't horrible.  Advil seems to have no effect at all, but I took it nonetheless.  However, late morning I got up, walked to the restroom, stopped to talk to my coworker and it got much worse.  My back was spasming and the pain was not easing no matter what I did.  At one point bending over and resting my head on my desk helped a little and my boss found me in that position.  The pain got so bad I was trying not to cry.  

Thankfully it eased a little and I was able to get through the day.  But it is obvious I am not going to be able to exercise today.  Hopefully it will be better tomorrow and I can get back to business but I can't let this defeat me!  Missing a day or even a couple of days will not give me a reason to stop!

Now can someone hook me up with a good masseuse?  And cheap? 

Photo challenge: friendship

This is an old picture but these two do not sit still for long! 


Tyler`s best friend is hia cousin Toby. 
Toby was born the month before i got pregnant with Tyler. 
They love to play together!



And Tyler is not throwing food at 
Toby in this picture.

Photo challenge: Perspective

Not an exciting photo, but this is my view during my ab workout.  Day 14 and counting!

Poor Gracie & Photo challenge: Ground

This is a pretty typical shot of our ground (floor) in our family room. Ugly plaid carpet with a few.toys sprinkled around. In this case, one of Tyler's stompie crocodile slippers, AJ's beads, Easter bunny, stuffed monster, and his feeble toy and way in the back, Banana, a monkey Aunt G (Twin) brought Tyler from Costa Rica. We are constantly picking up toys!

In other news, we had to take Gracie to the vet today. She has a lump under her eye. We were pretty worried but "luckily" it's just an abscessed tooth. She has a round of anti-inflammatory and antibiotics and then back to the vet in a few weeks to have the tooth pulled. Yuck. Poor Gracie. And poor bank account :-/
Well Gracie has had her meds and some apologetic scrambled eggs made by me, so off to play with AJ, since he has knocked all his toys on the floor now! Day two of level two of the shred later!

Photo challenge: D is for...

Believe it or not, Duckie here (the fuzzy blue object) was the first thing that came to mind. Duckie was won in a crane machine. The other little guys shown here are Gracie the beagle (named of course after our dog), Turtle (guess which one he is) and Coconut the monkey. And of course, Tyler. These are his core four animals, who must be present for every nap and night time, along with the special blanket from his baby days and a pillow with a case is made from Thomas the train fabric and ribbon trim. Coconut is the best buddy, who goes just about everywhere and is pretty much a member of the family! So there we have it! D is for Duckie!

Photo challenge: I drew this

Ok, so I didn't draw it and it's not technically a picture bit this comes from a doodle app on my phone. It makes little dots and circles based on how fast you move your fingers. Everytime you pick up your finger it changes color. After spending half an hour trying to draw something discernable with the other features on this app I gave up and stuck with this. Kinda trippy, huh?

Photo challenge: Gray

The sky was quite cooperative with this challenge today. Hubby and I were having a little lunch picnic while we waited for our tired to be plugged. Luckily it didn't rain until.about an hour later!

Photo Challenge: Favorite Food

My favorite food is actually more of favorite meal.  For every date night, anniversary, and Valentine's Day, Adam and I always go to the same place, Texas Roadhouse.  We've been going there since we started dating.  I always order the same thing:  Chopped Steak (call Roadkill-ew!) plain (usually served with mushrooms) and well done, steak fries (occassionally a baked potato instead) and a salad.  Also, these little puppies:

Carb HEAVEN!

DELICIOUS warm rolls.  OMG I'm dying just thinking of it.  I am a huge carbaholic and these are the best I've ever had! 

Photo challenge: Hot

I am currently using Tyler's giraffe fan to cool off after day 5 of the shred. Quite effective.

 

Edit: Just noticed Gracie in the background.  LOL! 

Photo challenge: Building

Here we have Tyler building a tower for AJ---who in the next second is demolishing it.

Photo challenge: Number

It is hot! Summer in Indiana!

NINE YEARS?! And Photo Challenge: Inspiration

Today is my ninth wedding anniversary!  I can't believe it's been 9 years!  Thanks to my awesome Hubby for always putting up with me and being the best husband and father in the world!

Since it's our anniversary today, I chose my inspiration along that line.  I did not take this picture, I was all of 7 years old when it was taken.  It's a photo of my Grandparents at their 40th Wedding Anniversary party.  When my Grandfather passed in 2004, they had been married for 54 years.  They loved each other very much, so today I use them as inspiration for longevity in my own marriage.  Marriage is hard, and I'm probably not the easiest person in the world to be married to.  Adam lets me be me, lets himself be the person that I can always dump on.  He almost never gets mad and is never in a bad mood for long.  I'm so lucky to have him as my husband!

My Grandparents, Mary and Ray, at our house for the 40th Anniversary. 

Photo challenge: Bottle

Not too exciting but this is the bottle most often in my hands these days. Its a freebie from work and I fill it at the water cooler every afternoon.

In related news, I just finished day two of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Oh my stars it is intense. I don't know if I will make it through the program but I didn't even think I would return for day two, so I will take it one day at a time. Today also makes 4 workouts in 6 days. I walked Thursday and Friday.

Weigh in days will be Monday but first official one will be next week. I did take a peek last night and saw an unofficial loss of 2 lbs! I am excited to see the first official reading?

Photo challenge: Outside the window

Leaving for work the other day this pretty green moth was hanging out on our glass storm door. I knew it was perfect for today's prompt!

Photo challenge: Edible

Long day. But it's low cal!

Photo challenge: 4 o'clock

I picked 4 pm, because I am rarely awake at 4 am on purpose! Thanks to my sissy for the gift certificate from my birthday. we enjoyed a little pedi action today.