My doctor's office called me last week with the chromosome testing results...No abnormalities.
And it was a little boy. My son.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Hate to Relate
Thank you for the sweet comments, ladies. I am so sorry for your losses as well. I certainly wish no woman had to feel pain like this. Your support means so much.
Life is going on, even thought I can't really understand how or why. I guess I feel like the whole world should have been effected by something like this, but of course it wasn't. I'm back to working and taking care of day to day responsibilities. I don't feel sad all the time. But I do think about it. I think about it a lot. It's not all horrible thoughts, sometimes it's more wistful. And resigned.
Tuesday I went to a support group that the surgery center told me about. It was at a different hospital, not the same as the surgery center. I was anxious about it, but I wasn't really sure why. I guess I worried I wouldn't fit it, or I would be a mess, I don't know. I guess I didn't know what to expect. But I felt like talking to people who know what I'm feeling right now would be helpful.
I got distracted and forgot to take the short cut to the hospital and then I couldn't figure out what entrance I was supposed to go in--I had a building number, but if it was on the building, I didn't see it. Turns out, I needed to go into the main entrance. Anyway, all this meant I was a tiny bit late. The only consolation there was another woman arrived at the same time, so I was able to slip inside without too much awkwardness. They handed me a sheet with some guidelines for the group, I grabbed a mini bottle of water (so smart, crying dehydrates me) and sat down next to a box of kleenex (thinking ahead, I was).
I started to describe the other's in attendance, but I feel weird about that. Suffice it to say, there were 5 other people there, plus a moderator (who works for the hospital). There were parents and grandparents and a mix of miscarriage stories and infant deaths. Every story was heartbreaking. Most happened within the last year, but one grandmother had been attending the group for 17 years. She actually seemed to be helping the moderator some, as well.
When it was my turn, I barely got my name out before the tears came. I'd actually rehearsed what I'd say in the car. I had been rather stoic about it, which I found strange. I eventually managed to get out the basics, that it had been two weeks since my miscarriage and D&C at 11 weeks. I can't remember what else I said, but I think it included mention of the boys.
The moderator then proceeded to call me brave. I didn't feel brave.
Some talked a lot. Some talked a little. I think everyone cried at one point or another. Their words resonated with me and I found them nodding in agreement to some of the things I said. Other people really do get it. And I hate that they do, but at the same time, it's such a relief.
At one point, the moderator brought up a story about the woman who usually runs the group. She said that at her first meeting, when it was her time to introduce herself, she said she didn't belong here, that the others had experienced stillbirths or infant losses, and she had "only" had 2 miscarriages. She said that we should remember not to compare, that they are all losses. She said the others pointed out that they had had more time with their babies than she had, so in that way her loss was "worse".
That resonated with me, since I was feeling like my loss was smaller, less than some of theirs. The group chimed in that they certainly did not feel that was true.
We talked about the hardest thing we'd had to do in the last month (or two weeks, in my case). Then toward the end of the meeting, we talked about the most helpful or best thing we'd done in the last month. I said this group was the best moment for me. I meant it. It felt good, although good is not the right word.
The moderator knew I'd been at a different hospital, but she was able to give me some insight on the memorial we'll have in October and she very generously gave me some of the items they give out at her hospital to those who have had a miscarriage. She gave me a bear for Tyler (I appreciate it, but it went home and went into the closet, because I was afraid it would upset him right now), and a few little gifts that I'll describe in a post soon (they went into my memory box and I plan on doing a whole post about that).
At the end of the meeting, the woman who's about my age stopped me and asked if I was a member of a certain pregnancy forum. Turns out, I'd replied to a post there about local support in our city and she recognized me. She was very sweet and we're talked about getting together. Yesterday she actually offered to bring us dinner some evening, which completely blew me away. I told her we were covered there (Mom has that covered) but I hoped we could get together, nevertheless.
I definitely think that attending the group will be helpful for me. And seeing how it helped, hearing how it helps the others made me feel good. I could see wanting to be involved in this. It reminds me of how I felt when we were doing fertility treatments. No one WANTS to be apart of that community, but now that I was I wanted to be involved, to help others. And to help myself along the way.
Still no results from the doctor's office. I just want to be done with limbo. I want to know or know I can't know.
Life is going on, even thought I can't really understand how or why. I guess I feel like the whole world should have been effected by something like this, but of course it wasn't. I'm back to working and taking care of day to day responsibilities. I don't feel sad all the time. But I do think about it. I think about it a lot. It's not all horrible thoughts, sometimes it's more wistful. And resigned.
Tuesday I went to a support group that the surgery center told me about. It was at a different hospital, not the same as the surgery center. I was anxious about it, but I wasn't really sure why. I guess I worried I wouldn't fit it, or I would be a mess, I don't know. I guess I didn't know what to expect. But I felt like talking to people who know what I'm feeling right now would be helpful.
I got distracted and forgot to take the short cut to the hospital and then I couldn't figure out what entrance I was supposed to go in--I had a building number, but if it was on the building, I didn't see it. Turns out, I needed to go into the main entrance. Anyway, all this meant I was a tiny bit late. The only consolation there was another woman arrived at the same time, so I was able to slip inside without too much awkwardness. They handed me a sheet with some guidelines for the group, I grabbed a mini bottle of water (so smart, crying dehydrates me) and sat down next to a box of kleenex (thinking ahead, I was).
I started to describe the other's in attendance, but I feel weird about that. Suffice it to say, there were 5 other people there, plus a moderator (who works for the hospital). There were parents and grandparents and a mix of miscarriage stories and infant deaths. Every story was heartbreaking. Most happened within the last year, but one grandmother had been attending the group for 17 years. She actually seemed to be helping the moderator some, as well.
When it was my turn, I barely got my name out before the tears came. I'd actually rehearsed what I'd say in the car. I had been rather stoic about it, which I found strange. I eventually managed to get out the basics, that it had been two weeks since my miscarriage and D&C at 11 weeks. I can't remember what else I said, but I think it included mention of the boys.
The moderator then proceeded to call me brave. I didn't feel brave.
Some talked a lot. Some talked a little. I think everyone cried at one point or another. Their words resonated with me and I found them nodding in agreement to some of the things I said. Other people really do get it. And I hate that they do, but at the same time, it's such a relief.
At one point, the moderator brought up a story about the woman who usually runs the group. She said that at her first meeting, when it was her time to introduce herself, she said she didn't belong here, that the others had experienced stillbirths or infant losses, and she had "only" had 2 miscarriages. She said that we should remember not to compare, that they are all losses. She said the others pointed out that they had had more time with their babies than she had, so in that way her loss was "worse".
That resonated with me, since I was feeling like my loss was smaller, less than some of theirs. The group chimed in that they certainly did not feel that was true.
We talked about the hardest thing we'd had to do in the last month (or two weeks, in my case). Then toward the end of the meeting, we talked about the most helpful or best thing we'd done in the last month. I said this group was the best moment for me. I meant it. It felt good, although good is not the right word.
The moderator knew I'd been at a different hospital, but she was able to give me some insight on the memorial we'll have in October and she very generously gave me some of the items they give out at her hospital to those who have had a miscarriage. She gave me a bear for Tyler (I appreciate it, but it went home and went into the closet, because I was afraid it would upset him right now), and a few little gifts that I'll describe in a post soon (they went into my memory box and I plan on doing a whole post about that).
At the end of the meeting, the woman who's about my age stopped me and asked if I was a member of a certain pregnancy forum. Turns out, I'd replied to a post there about local support in our city and she recognized me. She was very sweet and we're talked about getting together. Yesterday she actually offered to bring us dinner some evening, which completely blew me away. I told her we were covered there (Mom has that covered) but I hoped we could get together, nevertheless.
I definitely think that attending the group will be helpful for me. And seeing how it helped, hearing how it helps the others made me feel good. I could see wanting to be involved in this. It reminds me of how I felt when we were doing fertility treatments. No one WANTS to be apart of that community, but now that I was I wanted to be involved, to help others. And to help myself along the way.
Still no results from the doctor's office. I just want to be done with limbo. I want to know or know I can't know.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
A post I never thought I'd have to write
DISCLAIMER/TRIGGER WARNING
This is the story of my miscarriage. It's not graphic, but it is raw and may be upsetting to some miscarriage survivors. Please know this before reading. Thank you.
It still doesn't seem real. I guess that makes sense, since I really don't feel much different than I did a week ago. How cruel is that? I'm sitting here in a body that still thinks it's pregnant.
But I'm not. As hard as it is to accept, I'm not.
I can't remember what my last update was, but I know I posted an 11 week update so I'm sure I included something about the fact that my 10 week ultrasound went ok. The SCH had grown to 7 cm but the baby looked good and had a good heartbeat, 173. The ultrasound tech wasn't happy that the hemorrhage had grown and she actually talked to the doctor before letting me leave, but ultimately I was just told to take it as easy as possible, even more easily than I had been, for the next week.
I took that seriously. I cancelled dinner plans with my dad and arranged for Adam and my mom to run errands I had planned to take care of. I worked during the day, but didn't walk around much and when I got home I spent nearly all my time resting on the couch.
Tuesday morning my ultrasound was scheduled for 8:45 am. Adam went to work and I planned to go in after my appointment. I'd been having so many ultrasounds, I just went by myself. I felt anxious, but mostly just worried about the SCH.
Jennifer, the ultrasound tech, called me back. We were pretty familiar with one another at this point, and we both commented how we hoped the situation was improving today. We got to the room and I lay down and exposed my tummy. I laughed a little when she put the gel on my stomach, because I'm numb there from AJ's C-Section.
The picture came up on the screen. I commented how it still looked scrunched. The previous week, the baby was half-turned, sort of on it's side-not profile but not face on either. Then I said I thought the hemorrhage still looked huge.
And then I saw...or rather didn't see something.
"Can you see the heartbeat?" I asked. Surely I was just missing it.
But she didn't answer. And I knew from the ER ultrasound tech that when they don't answer, that's bad. I think I started hyperventilating, but I was trying to stay still because maybe I was wrong.
After a few minutes she just said she was so sorry. I cried. I asked questions too, but mostly I just cried. It's such a blur. She stayed with me until I got somewhat under control, and then she went to call the doctor, who was in surgery for the day.
I wiped off my stomach and got up to get my phone. Then I made the hardest phone call ever. Adam didn't answer the first three times I called. When he finally did, I think I just sobbed out that the baby was gone. Of course I had to repeat it. I told him what happened and all I can really remember him saying was that it wasn't my fault. I told him I didn't know what was going to happen and that they were calling the doctor. I asked him to come home and he said of course he was.
Someone, a nurse I think, came in and talked to me a little. She hugged me and let me cry. After awhile I knew mom was going to be getting worried that I hadn't called or texted about my appointment, so I had to call her and tell her the news. She had the kids, but she said she was coming right over. The nurse assured me that they could watch the kids so they wouldn't have to know what happened yet.
They spoke to Dr. A and she wanted me to go in for a D&C later that day. She said she was worried about me bleeding too much if I miscarried at home, because of the large hemorrhage. I could go home for a few hours and be at the hospital surgery center at 1:00 pm for a 3:00 surgery.
Mom arrived and the nurse distracted the kids while we finished up. I composed myself as much as I could and we left. Tyler knew something was wrong, so once we got to the car I had to tell him. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My sweet sensitive baby boy, he started crying immediately. He had so been looking forward to having a new little baby. What a thing for him to have to know about. To know that sometimes babies don't come home. I told him that God needed his baby brother or sister to come and be our angel in heaven. Then I just hugged him and told him I was so so sorry. Agony.
On the way home I called Angie and Michelle. When I got home, I called my boss. They were all horrified and so very sad for us.
The hours passed so slowly. It felt horrible to sit there doing nothing, and yet I didn't want to let go of those last precious hours I would have to be close to my sweet baby. My little fighter...
If the hours at home were painful, the hours sitting in the hospital bed were unbearable. The kids came back and they were a good distraction. I had a very lovely nurse who spoke very kindly. She told me she had suffered several miscarriages herself. I think she said four, but I can't remember now. Finally she became pregnant with twins, but sadly she lost her little boy. She was able to carry her daughter to terms, thankfully, and when her daughter was 7, she went on a mission trip to the Ukraine and met a very special little 7 year old boy whom she later adopted. Kind of her second chance to have the twin boy she lost.
I was given a whole bunch of paperwork. Some were consent forms and the like. But there was also information about support groups, memorials, keepsakes, etc. They gently presented with the the options they offer in terms of burial. They told us that we could request our babies remains and arrange a private funeral. If we chose not to do that (because of course, that's very expensive), they offered a twice yearly group memorial service and communal burial of all miscarried babies. I was heartbroken and touched that there was an option like that. The service will be in October and we will have an opportunity to attend and have our babies name read out and put on a ribbon wreath. I am glad that I will eventually have a place I can visit to be close to my baby. I'm very grateful that they offer this.
Later, I met the anesthesiologist. After that, Dr. A arrived. She held my hand and told me how sorry she was. We asked a few questions and she answered as best as she can. We asked if there was any way to be sure what had caused this. She explained that there are really no guarantees, even with chromosomal testing, although we could choose to try that if we wished. She said that her honest opinion was the my SCH may not have been the cause of the miscarriage, but perhaps was a side effect of some other problem, possibly a chromosomal problem with the baby. She said that would explain why the SCH was not improving. That sometimes there is something wrong with the baby and so an SCH forms and the baby can survive for awhile, but ultimately the problems are too severe. We chose to request additional chromosomal testing in the hopes that if nothing else, it might help us learn our babies gender. I felt stupidly guilty, because I know the testing can be expensive, but I just knew in that moment I would regret it if we didn't try. Dr. A did warn us that sometimes the tests come back inconclusive (if an insufficient amount of living tissue is collected), so we may not get any answers, but I wanted to at least try.
Eventually it was time. They had me give my glasses to Adam, which made me feel even more helpless, since my eyesight is very poor. Adam gave me a kiss and they wheeled me away. The sweet nurse stopped and got me a warm blanket. Then we entered the OR. It was smaller than I'd expected, but I guess that's because this was at a surgery center, not the main hospital. The sight of the operating table and all the equipment, the bright lights and the fancy padded stirrups--it was all too much. Entering that room, especially for this particular reason, is the most vulnerable, raw feeling. I was quite literally preparing to put my life in the hands of strangers and allow them to do something unthinkable.
The very worst moment came next. They had to ask me to confirm my name and tell them what procedure I was having done. Logically, I understand why they have to do this, but the sheer act of having to actually speak the words out loud was so cruel and so painful. I started to cry, of course. At first, the nurse tried to calm me, telling me to take a few deep breaths. But I think she could see I was beyond that, so she just told me to let it out. I did, but there really wasn't much time for tears. I moved to the table and I remember hesitating, not wanting the lay back under that huge harsh light. But of course, there was no turning back. I lay down and allowed them to stretch out my arms and attach their monitors. There were two nurses and the anesthesiologist in the room, and they started chatting, trying to distract me, I'm sure. The second nurse was hooking me up to the heart monitor, and she was commenting on how so much technology is wireless now, but not this stuff. She joked that she was going to come up with a wireless version and go on Shark Tank and sell it to Mark Cuban. I knew what she was doing, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
And that was it. They gave me some medication in the IV and then settled the mask over my face and asked me to breathe deeply.
When I woke up, I was back in the room we'd waited in. My nurse offered me water right away and told me everything had gone fine. After a few minutes, she brought Adam back. Dr. A had already talked to him. She said that by the looks of things, I would have started miscarrying naturally that evening. She found a large clot and quite a bit of new active bleeding on my cervix. Somehow that made me feel a tiny bit better, reassured me that it had indeed been over, beyond a shadow of a doubt (you play terrible mindgames with yourself, like should I demand another ultrasound just in case. This showed me that there really had been no hope).
I guess in a way, even though how we found out the baby was gone was totally horrible, it was "good" that it was discovered that way. I could have bled too much, it could have been dangerous, and I most certainly wouldn't have had Dr. A taking care of me. Also, I think if I had started bleeding, I would have tried to convince myself that the baby could still be ok, that I knew I had a hemmorhage...And if I had ended up in the ER (assuming it happened after regular hours), I could have been surrounded my strangers and with a doctor I didn't know performing my surgery.
I was groggy, but alert. I told the nurse I was feeling crampy, so she gave me some medication. The very best thing was that she'd covered me in this blanket-thing that had warm air running through it. Honestly it was so nice. The operating rooms are freezing. I always wake up feeling cold and shaking. That blanket was amazing. The nurse talked kindly to me and helped me drink some water (so thirsty) and eat some saltines so I wouldn't feel nauseated. Once I got that down we waited awhile for my pain medicine to kick in. Adam went to the hospital pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions and there was some confusion because the doctor had forgotten to submit the one for pain medication. Since the hospital pharmacy was getting ready to close, they ended up calling it into Kroger for us to pick up. Then the nurse unhooked my IV and the stupid leg squeezing-blood clot preventing things (Did I mention they put those on before surgery? They are annoying), and let me get up, clean up, and get dressed. By then I wasn't in pain, just sore and weak. Adam helped me clean up and dress and then he went to get the car. The nurse took me outside in a wheelchair and that was it.
My physical recovery has gone well. I took one pain pill that evening and I think another one or two the next day, and then I just switched to Tylenol. I wasn't cramping much, but I did have some soreness from the procedure, but not too bad. Really it was sort of appalling how little physical pain I felt. Going through something so traumatic, I would have thought it would hurt more. Although I guess it's fair, really, since the emotional pain was quite enough to be dealing with. Tuesday night was rough, because I didn't sleep. At first, I was just running through the day's events in my head. I wasn't overly emotional about it, but my brain just went over and over it. Eventually though, I started to get upset. I finally got out of bed and went downstairs and turned on the TV. I still didn't sleep, but I watched Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen and just didn't think for awhile, which was better.
Wednesday, Adam decided to stay home. He was taking things pretty hard and I think he was pretty drained. He rested and later went to Goodwill for a distraction (he buys things there to sell on Ebay).
I stayed on the couch and didn't do much. My sweet coworkers and my sweet friend Bonnie sent me flowers, and so did our favorite Kroger cashier Tina. My friends called and texted and were incredibly sweet. My mom was very understanding and let me talk when I needed to--she knows a similar (even worse) pain from when my sister died as a baby. And my boys were there to hug and hold. Tyler had some pretty sad moments and I've been trying to shield him from the worst of my grief lately.
Thursday I decided I wanted to do something. I went out with mom and the kids and we went to Michaels Craft Store. I bought a photo box and some decorative items. I put the best ultrasound picture on the inside of the lid and decorated it, then stored the few items I have in it--my pregnancy tests, more ultrasound photos, cards from the flowers, etc. It felt nice to have something for the baby.
My mom also got me these crazy beads that you can use to dry flowers in the microwave, and this resin you can use to make paperweights. I'll take photos of the things I made and put them up in another post, with pics of the memory box too. It was nice to be able to preserve the flowers that I was sent. My mom did the same with some of the flowers from Nicky's funeral.
Friday, Adam was off work again. I stayed at home, just feeling the need to be alone. I talked to Angie on the phone, but aside from that I didn't sit brooding. I watched TV (binged watched the Glee Project on the Firestick) and then drove to McDonalds and thoroughly enjoyed a Big Mac.
Saturday and Sunday I ran my normal errands and rested. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were spent arguing with Comcast because our cable, internet and TV went out--I can't even get into that. We cooked chicken, hot dogs, veggies, and smores on the grill on Saturday and Angie came over. Monday we did some small fireworks with the kids.
Tuesday mom was supposed to have a doctor's appointment, (They cancelled it an hour before) so I didn't get into work until 10:30 am. The day was difficult, dotted with teary moments when my various coworkers came in to offer their sympathy, or a new sweet email arrived. But it felt good to be busy and focus on normal things. I'm slowing catching up on my work, although I'm not rushing.
Wednesday was interesting and awful for different reasons. I was getting ready to go into work (Adam was going in late to meet the Comcast technician, again I can't even TALK about that), and I decided I needed to try to look more human--I hadn't been doing much in the way of make up and hair and all that in weeks. So I decided to pluck my eyebrows.
And I sliced my cornea with my tweezers. Yeah, not kidding.
Long story short, it was my left (bad) eye (see post about it here), so it wasn't affecting my vision much, but it HURT. I rushed off to Immediate Care and confirmed that yes, I had scratched my cornea. Luckily, this can heal on it's own in a few days. But there isn't much else to do for it. So away I went, with antibiotic drops and instructions to take OTC pain meds and return in 2 days for a recheck.
The pain was pretty bad, plus it made me extremely sensitive to light and gave me a killer headache. But I really needed to go to work, so I managed. My eye got pretty swollen and looked pretty awful and was tearing up all day. So that was fun.
That afternoon was also my follow up with Dr. A. I was dreading it. It was hard to go back there, where I found out it was over. And of course I was worried about seeing pregnant women or babies. Luckily the waiting room was totally empty and I was called back pretty quickly. Unluckily, their walls are ridiculously think and I heard the healthy heartbeats of living babies over the dopplars TWICE. OUCH. The Medical Assistant was in the room the first time and I could tell she felt bad. She tried turning up the radio. I plugged my ears and cried.
Dr. A was great. We went over everything, just so I could hear it again, mostly. No test results yet, hopefully in a week or so. She seemed to think I was recovering well and told me what to watch for, reasons I would need to call them. She encouraged me to look into the support group the hospital offers and consider seeing a counselor for awhile. She told me to wait until I have a normal period to try to get pregnant again, which is fine because I'm not ready for that. But she did say that with my health issues and age, she encourages us to try sooner rather than later. And she reminded me that I have had two healthy pregnancies (of course, I have had two NOT healthy pregnancies too, so idk if that makes me very confident).
She didn't need a follow up appointment unless the bleeding doesn't stop or my period gets concerning (she said I was on the edge of being far enough along that they worry about not getting everything, so to speak). I forgot until afterward that someone had mentioned that they would want to do blood tests to watch my HCG level drop, so I called today and left a message about that.
So yeah, that's where I am now. It's Thursday. My eye is much better today. And my heart is hurting, but I'm getting back to life. I know it's going to take me a long time to come to grips with this. I know that I'm going to have a lot of worries, fears and anxiety if we try to conceive again and even more if we succeed. I know I am always going to grieve my precious baby, my little fighter. Dr. A said the baby was really strong to have survived so long with that hemmorhage.
So now I wait, wanting answers, not wanting answers. Once we hear back, we'll come up with a name. That's important to me. We'll go to the service in October. I'll probably check out the support group next week. Work offers 5 free counseling sessions, so I might start with that too. I'll so some things to remember the baby...I want to get a necklace once we pick a name. Maybe a stone or statue for the yard, or plant a tree or something after we move...
I'm taking it a day at a time. I know my blog doesn't reach many, and maybe this is something no one wants to read. But I've read miscarriage stories and I wanted to write mine. It was horrible, but I have to remember it. Briana---Blogger doesn't really let me REPLY to comments, thank you for always reading, commenting, and being so sweet. Anyone else who reads, those who ready but don't comment, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
This is the story of my miscarriage. It's not graphic, but it is raw and may be upsetting to some miscarriage survivors. Please know this before reading. Thank you.
It still doesn't seem real. I guess that makes sense, since I really don't feel much different than I did a week ago. How cruel is that? I'm sitting here in a body that still thinks it's pregnant.
But I'm not. As hard as it is to accept, I'm not.
I can't remember what my last update was, but I know I posted an 11 week update so I'm sure I included something about the fact that my 10 week ultrasound went ok. The SCH had grown to 7 cm but the baby looked good and had a good heartbeat, 173. The ultrasound tech wasn't happy that the hemorrhage had grown and she actually talked to the doctor before letting me leave, but ultimately I was just told to take it as easy as possible, even more easily than I had been, for the next week.
I took that seriously. I cancelled dinner plans with my dad and arranged for Adam and my mom to run errands I had planned to take care of. I worked during the day, but didn't walk around much and when I got home I spent nearly all my time resting on the couch.
Tuesday morning my ultrasound was scheduled for 8:45 am. Adam went to work and I planned to go in after my appointment. I'd been having so many ultrasounds, I just went by myself. I felt anxious, but mostly just worried about the SCH.
Jennifer, the ultrasound tech, called me back. We were pretty familiar with one another at this point, and we both commented how we hoped the situation was improving today. We got to the room and I lay down and exposed my tummy. I laughed a little when she put the gel on my stomach, because I'm numb there from AJ's C-Section.
The picture came up on the screen. I commented how it still looked scrunched. The previous week, the baby was half-turned, sort of on it's side-not profile but not face on either. Then I said I thought the hemorrhage still looked huge.
And then I saw...or rather didn't see something.
"Can you see the heartbeat?" I asked. Surely I was just missing it.
But she didn't answer. And I knew from the ER ultrasound tech that when they don't answer, that's bad. I think I started hyperventilating, but I was trying to stay still because maybe I was wrong.
After a few minutes she just said she was so sorry. I cried. I asked questions too, but mostly I just cried. It's such a blur. She stayed with me until I got somewhat under control, and then she went to call the doctor, who was in surgery for the day.
I wiped off my stomach and got up to get my phone. Then I made the hardest phone call ever. Adam didn't answer the first three times I called. When he finally did, I think I just sobbed out that the baby was gone. Of course I had to repeat it. I told him what happened and all I can really remember him saying was that it wasn't my fault. I told him I didn't know what was going to happen and that they were calling the doctor. I asked him to come home and he said of course he was.
Someone, a nurse I think, came in and talked to me a little. She hugged me and let me cry. After awhile I knew mom was going to be getting worried that I hadn't called or texted about my appointment, so I had to call her and tell her the news. She had the kids, but she said she was coming right over. The nurse assured me that they could watch the kids so they wouldn't have to know what happened yet.
They spoke to Dr. A and she wanted me to go in for a D&C later that day. She said she was worried about me bleeding too much if I miscarried at home, because of the large hemorrhage. I could go home for a few hours and be at the hospital surgery center at 1:00 pm for a 3:00 surgery.
Mom arrived and the nurse distracted the kids while we finished up. I composed myself as much as I could and we left. Tyler knew something was wrong, so once we got to the car I had to tell him. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My sweet sensitive baby boy, he started crying immediately. He had so been looking forward to having a new little baby. What a thing for him to have to know about. To know that sometimes babies don't come home. I told him that God needed his baby brother or sister to come and be our angel in heaven. Then I just hugged him and told him I was so so sorry. Agony.
On the way home I called Angie and Michelle. When I got home, I called my boss. They were all horrified and so very sad for us.
The hours passed so slowly. It felt horrible to sit there doing nothing, and yet I didn't want to let go of those last precious hours I would have to be close to my sweet baby. My little fighter...
If the hours at home were painful, the hours sitting in the hospital bed were unbearable. The kids came back and they were a good distraction. I had a very lovely nurse who spoke very kindly. She told me she had suffered several miscarriages herself. I think she said four, but I can't remember now. Finally she became pregnant with twins, but sadly she lost her little boy. She was able to carry her daughter to terms, thankfully, and when her daughter was 7, she went on a mission trip to the Ukraine and met a very special little 7 year old boy whom she later adopted. Kind of her second chance to have the twin boy she lost.
I was given a whole bunch of paperwork. Some were consent forms and the like. But there was also information about support groups, memorials, keepsakes, etc. They gently presented with the the options they offer in terms of burial. They told us that we could request our babies remains and arrange a private funeral. If we chose not to do that (because of course, that's very expensive), they offered a twice yearly group memorial service and communal burial of all miscarried babies. I was heartbroken and touched that there was an option like that. The service will be in October and we will have an opportunity to attend and have our babies name read out and put on a ribbon wreath. I am glad that I will eventually have a place I can visit to be close to my baby. I'm very grateful that they offer this.
Later, I met the anesthesiologist. After that, Dr. A arrived. She held my hand and told me how sorry she was. We asked a few questions and she answered as best as she can. We asked if there was any way to be sure what had caused this. She explained that there are really no guarantees, even with chromosomal testing, although we could choose to try that if we wished. She said that her honest opinion was the my SCH may not have been the cause of the miscarriage, but perhaps was a side effect of some other problem, possibly a chromosomal problem with the baby. She said that would explain why the SCH was not improving. That sometimes there is something wrong with the baby and so an SCH forms and the baby can survive for awhile, but ultimately the problems are too severe. We chose to request additional chromosomal testing in the hopes that if nothing else, it might help us learn our babies gender. I felt stupidly guilty, because I know the testing can be expensive, but I just knew in that moment I would regret it if we didn't try. Dr. A did warn us that sometimes the tests come back inconclusive (if an insufficient amount of living tissue is collected), so we may not get any answers, but I wanted to at least try.
Eventually it was time. They had me give my glasses to Adam, which made me feel even more helpless, since my eyesight is very poor. Adam gave me a kiss and they wheeled me away. The sweet nurse stopped and got me a warm blanket. Then we entered the OR. It was smaller than I'd expected, but I guess that's because this was at a surgery center, not the main hospital. The sight of the operating table and all the equipment, the bright lights and the fancy padded stirrups--it was all too much. Entering that room, especially for this particular reason, is the most vulnerable, raw feeling. I was quite literally preparing to put my life in the hands of strangers and allow them to do something unthinkable.
The very worst moment came next. They had to ask me to confirm my name and tell them what procedure I was having done. Logically, I understand why they have to do this, but the sheer act of having to actually speak the words out loud was so cruel and so painful. I started to cry, of course. At first, the nurse tried to calm me, telling me to take a few deep breaths. But I think she could see I was beyond that, so she just told me to let it out. I did, but there really wasn't much time for tears. I moved to the table and I remember hesitating, not wanting the lay back under that huge harsh light. But of course, there was no turning back. I lay down and allowed them to stretch out my arms and attach their monitors. There were two nurses and the anesthesiologist in the room, and they started chatting, trying to distract me, I'm sure. The second nurse was hooking me up to the heart monitor, and she was commenting on how so much technology is wireless now, but not this stuff. She joked that she was going to come up with a wireless version and go on Shark Tank and sell it to Mark Cuban. I knew what she was doing, but I appreciate it nonetheless.
And that was it. They gave me some medication in the IV and then settled the mask over my face and asked me to breathe deeply.
When I woke up, I was back in the room we'd waited in. My nurse offered me water right away and told me everything had gone fine. After a few minutes, she brought Adam back. Dr. A had already talked to him. She said that by the looks of things, I would have started miscarrying naturally that evening. She found a large clot and quite a bit of new active bleeding on my cervix. Somehow that made me feel a tiny bit better, reassured me that it had indeed been over, beyond a shadow of a doubt (you play terrible mindgames with yourself, like should I demand another ultrasound just in case. This showed me that there really had been no hope).
I guess in a way, even though how we found out the baby was gone was totally horrible, it was "good" that it was discovered that way. I could have bled too much, it could have been dangerous, and I most certainly wouldn't have had Dr. A taking care of me. Also, I think if I had started bleeding, I would have tried to convince myself that the baby could still be ok, that I knew I had a hemmorhage...And if I had ended up in the ER (assuming it happened after regular hours), I could have been surrounded my strangers and with a doctor I didn't know performing my surgery.
I was groggy, but alert. I told the nurse I was feeling crampy, so she gave me some medication. The very best thing was that she'd covered me in this blanket-thing that had warm air running through it. Honestly it was so nice. The operating rooms are freezing. I always wake up feeling cold and shaking. That blanket was amazing. The nurse talked kindly to me and helped me drink some water (so thirsty) and eat some saltines so I wouldn't feel nauseated. Once I got that down we waited awhile for my pain medicine to kick in. Adam went to the hospital pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions and there was some confusion because the doctor had forgotten to submit the one for pain medication. Since the hospital pharmacy was getting ready to close, they ended up calling it into Kroger for us to pick up. Then the nurse unhooked my IV and the stupid leg squeezing-blood clot preventing things (Did I mention they put those on before surgery? They are annoying), and let me get up, clean up, and get dressed. By then I wasn't in pain, just sore and weak. Adam helped me clean up and dress and then he went to get the car. The nurse took me outside in a wheelchair and that was it.
My physical recovery has gone well. I took one pain pill that evening and I think another one or two the next day, and then I just switched to Tylenol. I wasn't cramping much, but I did have some soreness from the procedure, but not too bad. Really it was sort of appalling how little physical pain I felt. Going through something so traumatic, I would have thought it would hurt more. Although I guess it's fair, really, since the emotional pain was quite enough to be dealing with. Tuesday night was rough, because I didn't sleep. At first, I was just running through the day's events in my head. I wasn't overly emotional about it, but my brain just went over and over it. Eventually though, I started to get upset. I finally got out of bed and went downstairs and turned on the TV. I still didn't sleep, but I watched Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen and just didn't think for awhile, which was better.
Wednesday, Adam decided to stay home. He was taking things pretty hard and I think he was pretty drained. He rested and later went to Goodwill for a distraction (he buys things there to sell on Ebay).
I stayed on the couch and didn't do much. My sweet coworkers and my sweet friend Bonnie sent me flowers, and so did our favorite Kroger cashier Tina. My friends called and texted and were incredibly sweet. My mom was very understanding and let me talk when I needed to--she knows a similar (even worse) pain from when my sister died as a baby. And my boys were there to hug and hold. Tyler had some pretty sad moments and I've been trying to shield him from the worst of my grief lately.
Thursday I decided I wanted to do something. I went out with mom and the kids and we went to Michaels Craft Store. I bought a photo box and some decorative items. I put the best ultrasound picture on the inside of the lid and decorated it, then stored the few items I have in it--my pregnancy tests, more ultrasound photos, cards from the flowers, etc. It felt nice to have something for the baby.
My mom also got me these crazy beads that you can use to dry flowers in the microwave, and this resin you can use to make paperweights. I'll take photos of the things I made and put them up in another post, with pics of the memory box too. It was nice to be able to preserve the flowers that I was sent. My mom did the same with some of the flowers from Nicky's funeral.
Friday, Adam was off work again. I stayed at home, just feeling the need to be alone. I talked to Angie on the phone, but aside from that I didn't sit brooding. I watched TV (binged watched the Glee Project on the Firestick) and then drove to McDonalds and thoroughly enjoyed a Big Mac.
Saturday and Sunday I ran my normal errands and rested. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were spent arguing with Comcast because our cable, internet and TV went out--I can't even get into that. We cooked chicken, hot dogs, veggies, and smores on the grill on Saturday and Angie came over. Monday we did some small fireworks with the kids.
Tuesday mom was supposed to have a doctor's appointment, (They cancelled it an hour before) so I didn't get into work until 10:30 am. The day was difficult, dotted with teary moments when my various coworkers came in to offer their sympathy, or a new sweet email arrived. But it felt good to be busy and focus on normal things. I'm slowing catching up on my work, although I'm not rushing.
Wednesday was interesting and awful for different reasons. I was getting ready to go into work (Adam was going in late to meet the Comcast technician, again I can't even TALK about that), and I decided I needed to try to look more human--I hadn't been doing much in the way of make up and hair and all that in weeks. So I decided to pluck my eyebrows.
And I sliced my cornea with my tweezers. Yeah, not kidding.
Long story short, it was my left (bad) eye (see post about it here), so it wasn't affecting my vision much, but it HURT. I rushed off to Immediate Care and confirmed that yes, I had scratched my cornea. Luckily, this can heal on it's own in a few days. But there isn't much else to do for it. So away I went, with antibiotic drops and instructions to take OTC pain meds and return in 2 days for a recheck.
The pain was pretty bad, plus it made me extremely sensitive to light and gave me a killer headache. But I really needed to go to work, so I managed. My eye got pretty swollen and looked pretty awful and was tearing up all day. So that was fun.
That afternoon was also my follow up with Dr. A. I was dreading it. It was hard to go back there, where I found out it was over. And of course I was worried about seeing pregnant women or babies. Luckily the waiting room was totally empty and I was called back pretty quickly. Unluckily, their walls are ridiculously think and I heard the healthy heartbeats of living babies over the dopplars TWICE. OUCH. The Medical Assistant was in the room the first time and I could tell she felt bad. She tried turning up the radio. I plugged my ears and cried.
Dr. A was great. We went over everything, just so I could hear it again, mostly. No test results yet, hopefully in a week or so. She seemed to think I was recovering well and told me what to watch for, reasons I would need to call them. She encouraged me to look into the support group the hospital offers and consider seeing a counselor for awhile. She told me to wait until I have a normal period to try to get pregnant again, which is fine because I'm not ready for that. But she did say that with my health issues and age, she encourages us to try sooner rather than later. And she reminded me that I have had two healthy pregnancies (of course, I have had two NOT healthy pregnancies too, so idk if that makes me very confident).
She didn't need a follow up appointment unless the bleeding doesn't stop or my period gets concerning (she said I was on the edge of being far enough along that they worry about not getting everything, so to speak). I forgot until afterward that someone had mentioned that they would want to do blood tests to watch my HCG level drop, so I called today and left a message about that.
So yeah, that's where I am now. It's Thursday. My eye is much better today. And my heart is hurting, but I'm getting back to life. I know it's going to take me a long time to come to grips with this. I know that I'm going to have a lot of worries, fears and anxiety if we try to conceive again and even more if we succeed. I know I am always going to grieve my precious baby, my little fighter. Dr. A said the baby was really strong to have survived so long with that hemmorhage.
So now I wait, wanting answers, not wanting answers. Once we hear back, we'll come up with a name. That's important to me. We'll go to the service in October. I'll probably check out the support group next week. Work offers 5 free counseling sessions, so I might start with that too. I'll so some things to remember the baby...I want to get a necklace once we pick a name. Maybe a stone or statue for the yard, or plant a tree or something after we move...
I'm taking it a day at a time. I know my blog doesn't reach many, and maybe this is something no one wants to read. But I've read miscarriage stories and I wanted to write mine. It was horrible, but I have to remember it. Briana---Blogger doesn't really let me REPLY to comments, thank you for always reading, commenting, and being so sweet. Anyone else who reads, those who ready but don't comment, thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
Friday, July 1, 2016
6/28/16
We lost our precious baby. Ultrasound Tuesday showed no heartbeat. Had a D&C. I will get a story up eventually.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
11 Weeks
So I thought I would put one of these little pregnancy surveys up. I don't know if I'll do it every week, but I didn't do an official one with the boys, so I thought it might be fun.
How far along? 11 weeks. Baby is the size of a lime!
Total weight gain/loss: As of the beginning of last week, I was down about 12 lbs. I haven't weighted myself since.
Total weight gain/loss: As of the beginning of last week, I was down about 12 lbs. I haven't weighted myself since.
Maternity clothes? I've been wearing all maternity pants, although I've been folding down the band this time, something I did not do with Tyler or AJ. My nausea and gas seem to be much more in my upper tummy, so the band is often uncomfortable.
Stretch marks? No new ones
Symptoms: Nausea (though I am taking some medicine and it's much better), fatigue, sore breasts (still!), vivid dreams (seriously! All. Night. Long), gas (I've never burped so much in my life), food aversions.
Sleep: I love sleep. I often fall asleep on the couch around 8:30 and sometimes I'll just go on to bed by 9:00 or 9:30 if I'm still awake then. If I feel sick, I go to bed earlier. I often rest or catnap on the drive home from work and if I'm at home I sometime doze off when AJ is napping in the afternoon.
Best moment this week: Seeing baby on ultrasound, always a relief
Have you told family and friends: Yes, pretty much everyone knows. We told family and close friends by about 9 weeks and we announced on facebook after our first official appointment last week. People are still finding out at work as word travels, but all official announcements have been made.
Stretch marks? No new ones
Symptoms: Nausea (though I am taking some medicine and it's much better), fatigue, sore breasts (still!), vivid dreams (seriously! All. Night. Long), gas (I've never burped so much in my life), food aversions.
Sleep: I love sleep. I often fall asleep on the couch around 8:30 and sometimes I'll just go on to bed by 9:00 or 9:30 if I'm still awake then. If I feel sick, I go to bed earlier. I often rest or catnap on the drive home from work and if I'm at home I sometime doze off when AJ is napping in the afternoon.
Best moment this week: Seeing baby on ultrasound, always a relief
Have you told family and friends: Yes, pretty much everyone knows. We told family and close friends by about 9 weeks and we announced on facebook after our first official appointment last week. People are still finding out at work as word travels, but all official announcements have been made.
Movement: Too early
Food cravings: I don't really have cravings. Maybe pickles? I'll just list a few things I'm tolerating. I'm snacking on a lot of cheese and crackers and sweet pickles. That sounds weird, but it's something we always have lying out on Thanksgiving, so it's a natural combo to me. I'm not very into food right now, so I'm leaning on a few things that taste good. Apples (I have to peel them though, which is weird for me), bagel thins with cream cheese, cheese wraps (tortilla smeared with cream cheese, then topped with cheddar cheese sliced and lettuce. Most people would also put ham or turkey on it, but I never do, even when not pregnant. Oh and I eat it dipped in BBQ sauce. You'd think it was a pregnancy thing, but it's really not), and those little popsicles in the plastic sleeves.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Eggs. Most meat. I'm managing on a little bacon, lots of cheese, and peanut butter for protein. I went off meat with Tyler and shied away from it with AJ too. I can't drink soda or coffee and even hot tea isn't very appetizing. Basically I'm drinking water, occasionally iced tea or strawberry lemonade.
Have you started to show yet: I don't think so. I'm pudgy already, so I could pass for pregnant, but I don't think it's the real deal yet.
Gender prediction: We are hoping for a baby girl way too much to be subjective
Food cravings: I don't really have cravings. Maybe pickles? I'll just list a few things I'm tolerating. I'm snacking on a lot of cheese and crackers and sweet pickles. That sounds weird, but it's something we always have lying out on Thanksgiving, so it's a natural combo to me. I'm not very into food right now, so I'm leaning on a few things that taste good. Apples (I have to peel them though, which is weird for me), bagel thins with cream cheese, cheese wraps (tortilla smeared with cream cheese, then topped with cheddar cheese sliced and lettuce. Most people would also put ham or turkey on it, but I never do, even when not pregnant. Oh and I eat it dipped in BBQ sauce. You'd think it was a pregnancy thing, but it's really not), and those little popsicles in the plastic sleeves.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Eggs. Most meat. I'm managing on a little bacon, lots of cheese, and peanut butter for protein. I went off meat with Tyler and shied away from it with AJ too. I can't drink soda or coffee and even hot tea isn't very appetizing. Basically I'm drinking water, occasionally iced tea or strawberry lemonade.
Have you started to show yet: I don't think so. I'm pudgy already, so I could pass for pregnant, but I don't think it's the real deal yet.
Gender prediction: We are hoping for a baby girl way too much to be subjective
Labor Signs: No and it had better stay that way
Wedding rings on or off? On. I took them off with Tyler, but not with AJ
Happy or Moody most of the time: Up and down. This week I've been a little stressed.
Milestones: Another week down!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Up and down. This week I've been a little stressed.
Milestones: Another week down!
Other notes: At my ultrasound on Tuesday my SCH had grown to 7 cm, which stressed me out. The ultrasound tech talked to the doctor to be sure they didn't want to change my restrictions, and they just ended up saying I should make even more of an effort to take it easy this week. I'm trying. That's difficult. Baby still looks great, but was at an odd angle so the pics weren't great. Another ultrasound Tuesday morning and then the next week I have my first trimester screening.
My bloodtests all came back fine, although my white cell count was a little low--I assured her the number was higher than it usually is. I have AB positive blood, as a point of interest. I knew before, but always forgot. They made me stop in for a weight check on Tuesday too, since I'd lost weight. Their numbers showed a 2 lb gain since last week (I was sure to eat and drink well Tuesday and I hadn't used the bathroom yet, so it was probably a little less than that, but it satisfied them).
Monday, June 20, 2016
Subchorionic Hemmorhage
**Disclaimer** this is
my account of my very scary bleeding experience on June 6. As of right now, baby is doing great, has a
strong heartbeat and is measuring ahead of where we thought I was, so those are
all good signs. This may get a little graphic/tmi,
but I want to document it.
On Monday, June 6th at about 10:00 pm I started getting
ready for bed. I put away some laundry, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth,
etc. I laid down in bed and basically
immediately felt a gush of fluid. I knew
immediately that wasn't a good thing. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom and
even then I could see blood running down my legs. It was a lot of blood. I think I was just in
shock at first and couldn't even think.
I started yelling for Adam and for
my sister because she was closest and I knew she'd hear me. Adam ran
upstairs and kind of froze. My mom came up too and we all took in the scene. My
mom got me a washcloth and she and Adam cleaned up the floor a little and Adam
got me some clean clothes.
I got myself together and cleaned up as best as I could. I
put a pad on an got dressed and we rushed out the door. I just kept saying I couldn't believe this
was happening. I'd felt
"fine". Fine as in pregnant and nauseated and the same as I'd been
feeling for weeks. I thought it was over
and that I was miscarrying for sure.
We got the ER and Adam dropped me off at the door and went
to park. I checked in and was quickly offered a wheelchair, which I
accepted. They took me right back to a
room and a nurse came right in. She was
super nice and sweet. It's all a blur,
but I think the doctor--actually she was a PA, and accompanied by a medical
student, came in pretty much right away.
They asked a lot of questions and I told them everything that had been happening.
At that point, just by my last period, I thought I was 8 weeks and 3 days. She explained that they'd take some blood to
check my hormones and do a pelvic exam to start.
The nurse took some blood and put in a IV shunt. The PA said
all they could really offer me for the nerves was Benadryl, which I declined. She checked my pulse and listened to my
chest, noting that she could hear a heart murmur. I told her I'd never been
told that before. She said it probably was nothing to be concerned about and it
might just be a pregnancy thing, since pregnant women has a much higher blood
volume than normal.
Then she did the pelvic exam. Those are just never fun. She had to clear a sizeable clot before she
could start, which made my heart sink. I tried very hard not to think about
what that might be. She said I was dilated about a fingertip, but that can
happen so the clots can pass. She
indicated that it wasn't necessarily an indication that things were bad.
At that point, we just had to wait to get the blood test
back. The PA said if my hormone level was over 3000 (and at the point I was in
the pregnancy, it should be well over that), then they would do an ultrasound.
If the hormone level was lower than that....well we'd know things weren't good
and there probably wouldn't be anything to see on the ultrasound.
It took over an hour to get the results, which was just
awful. Adam and I talked some, and we really were kind of defeated. I don't think of it like we were being
pessimistic, but I think we were trying to prepare ourselves for the
worst. I talked to the nurse and the PA
about what they knew so far and IF this, THEN what, and all that, explaining
that I knew they didn't have all the answers, but that it helped me to know the
details of all the possibilities.
It was surreal to talk about miscarriage and DNC and all
that, but somehow, even while I was crying and upset to think about it, I
wanted to know what I might be facing.
Finally, the PA came in and said, "Your level is
181--" I cringed. "thousand."
So that's super high and it was a good sign for now. The nurse said I
was super pregnant. I knew that it
wasn't a sure thing, but I definitely started to gain back a little bit of
hope.
Soon after, they took me for an ultrasound. The technician said
she would do an external first and then an internal. I asked if she would tell
us if there was heartbeat. She hesitated, but said yes, she would. She said if
she was quiet, that was a bad sign, but that the external would be harder to
see much. So I told myself not to get upset during the external. She got
started and during the external she didn't say much. Adam could see the screen
but I couldn't. At one point I mouthed to him, asking if he could see anything
and he sort of shrugged. She did her
measurements and whatnot and then told me to use the restroom and undress for
the external. My bleeding was slowing a little bit at this point.
The internal seemed to take FOREVER. Toward the beginning
she did tell us that she saw a heartbeat. She showed me the screen for just a
second and honestly I thought the heartbeat looked slow, so I didn't even let
myself feel a lot of relief. So then she went back to measuring and all
that. The worst part was when she wanted
to examine my ovaries. I had to physically push down on my stomach with my
hands and hold it there for a long time.
My arms ached and I was so tired--at this point it was probably after 1
am and I had taken half a unisom before I went to lay down at 10 pm. So that
part sucked. Finally, she was done and she asked me if I was sure about my last
period date. I said I was very sure (April 9th). I turned to Adam and said that
I thought that meant the baby wasn't measuring correctly. Then the tech said that I was actually
measuring ahead at 9 weeks (actually I swear she said 9 weeks 3 days, but later
they told me 9, so I'm going with that until my next ultrasound). I think that
was the moment I felt relief. She also said the heartbeat was measured at 185
beats per minute, which was very good. She said the PA would tell me more after
the report was processed.
So after we got back to our room, we waited some more. The
sweet nurse came in and she was so happy to hear that we had a heartbeat! I
updated my mom (I'd been calling her every time we had a shred of news) and my
facebook baby/ttc group and then we waited. The PA came back and confirmed what
we knew, that the baby measured great and had a great heartbeat. She said the
bleeding was caused by a subchorionic hemorrhage. She described it as
"small" measuring 5.2 x 0.6 x 3.8 cm. She said that it puts me at a
higher risk of miscarriage, but for now the baby looks good. She said to take
it easy and follow up with my OB the next day.
Later I read the ultrasound report and they measured the baby as 2.31 cm
which corresponds to 9 weeks 0 days and that the cervix was closed and
measuring 3.6 cm.
I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday, resting and taking it
very easy. I spoke to my OB office and they said my upcoming appointment
scheduled for the following Tuesday was
a perfect time to check on everything. They said to take it easy, but
that I could work as long as I was sitting most of the time. They said to call
if I went through more than a pad in an hour.
Tuesday and Wednesday the bleeding slowed to mostly spotting
and later in the week it turned from red/pink to brown, which is old blood and
I took as a good sign. I'm still spotting two weeks later, to varying degrees.
All in all, I feel ok. I'm obviously more nervous than I was
before this happened. I have moments where I'm sure it's going to be ok, and I
have moments where I worry. I never pictured going through something like
this. I'm so grateful that the baby is
still with us and I pray every day that it stays with us.
Right now, they just want me to have weekly ultrasounds until the SCH resolves. My next ultrasound it tomorrow. The doctor's office also called today and wants me to be seen for a weight check too. I've lost between 10-15 lbs since I got pregnant, which is very normal for me, I lost weight in the first trimester with both the boys. But for one reason or another, they are watching that too.
Thank you in advance for any prayers or well wishes you can send! Baby number 3 really appreciates it and so do we!
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
SURPRISE!!!!
Yes, that's right, BABY NUMBER 3!!!
I still can't really believe it. It's still sinking in, for sure. By the way, I'm writing this Monday, May 9th, two days after I found out. This will be published at a later date, and I'm sure there will be updates at the end. But I wanted to document this before I forget any details, because pregnancy brain is REAL!
So I'll start off by saying my cycles have changed a lot since I had AJ. For the past 6 months, my cycles have only been 26-27 days. And I hadn't had a ton of success pin pointing ovulation. I had actually been starting to think I was probably ovulating too late in my cycle to get pregnant on my own. But we were so busy, we basically had been sort of trying/not preventing. I figured once the house was ready we would start focusing more on it.
So I wasn't really focused on my period, but I knew it was probably due around the end of the week before Mother's Day. By the end of the week, a thought had entered the back of my head, but I still really didn't think much of it. I had looked at my tracking app earlier in the week and it had predicted I would start Saturday, but it's usually more optimistic than I am, and usually I beat it to the punch.
Saturday morning, I woke up at 5:30 and couldn't sleep. My brain started whirring and so I got up and went to the bathroom, because I knew there was only one way to stop thinking about it. The trouble was, I'm not in the habit of keeping pregnancy tests around and the only ones I had were from an auction Adam bought, and they'd expired in June 2015. I figured it would be negative anyway, so why not use it up?
Except it wasn't. I never look at my tests while they are processing--the whole "a watched pot never boils" thing....so I fiddled around in the semi-darkness, eventually counting to 120 so I knew three minutes has passed. I flipped on the light and there were two solid lines staring back at me. I think I whispered oh my god a bunch of times, but I was also reminding myself that the test was EXPIRED and therefore unreliable. I snapped a picture with my phone and hid the evidence, then when back to bed. I used my phone to post a picture on my facebook group with my old Infertility buddies. Their consensus was it was probably positive, but to get some more tests ASAP!
Now, I have had a BFP (big fat positive) three times before this. With the boys, of course, and with my miscarriage in 2011. And each time, we had been really trying to get pregnant and Adam always knew when it would be time to test. This time, I had a slight edge. This time, it would be a surprise. So I didn't say anything and acted casual. He needed to finish mowing the grass, so I was going to run errands with the boys by myself, then he was going to meet us for lunch and we would go to the hardware store to pick up somethings. So I had the perfect opportunity to buy pregnancy tests in secret. I bought an 88 cent test to take that afternoon and a package of First Response.
After all of our running, I got the boys settled and Adam went upstairs to work on installing our closet doors. I slipped back out to the van and grabbed the bag with the tests. I put the First Responses and the box for the cheap test in my purse and took the test downstairs to the bathroom. The test showed up positive right away! I had a little moment by myself there. It was really true. And we weren't even trying hard. Somehow, on the day before Mother's Day, when there was only ONE possible day it could have happened, here I was, pregnant.
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| No doubt about it! |
So now I had news to tell. I planned on telling everyone together on Sunday, revealing it to mom through her present. I had bought a kit of little foam owl crafts for Tyler to make her for Mother's Day/her birthday (her birthday fell on Mother's Day this year). So after AJ was napping, I took Tyler upstairs and told him the news! We've talked about it before, and his friend Luke's mom is expecting, so he knew what it was about and was excited! He won't stop talking about how he hopes it's a girl because we don't have any girls!
So Tyler made an owl for Gaga and I make two more. On the backs, we put the boys' names and on the third, I wrote "Baby #3, January 2017". Later we were hanging around downstairs and Adam said, "Aren't you supposed to get your period pretty soon?" I tried to play it cool, casually checking my phone, looking at my app. "Yeah, probably today or tomorrow." I said. So he said we should play around that night, because he thinks that makes my period come. Uh oh. I decided I had better tell him. So I said I wanted to go up and see the new closet doors he'd hung. I snuck the test out of my purse and into my pocket and went upstairs. He came up after and so did my mom. We looked at the doors and then mom when back downstairs. I closed the door and pulled out the test. I don't even remember if I said anything. He just started laughing and we hugged and laughed about how it only took once this time around! I think he said are you kidding or are you serious or something. LOL Then he admitted that he'd gone to get a receipt out of my purse and seen the box of tests. He thought I was going to test though, he had no idea I already knew!
So I still planned on telling my mom Sunday, but Adam started saying we should go ahead and tell her. I didn't need much convincing! So I went upstairs and wrapped up the owls and gave Tyler the package. We took it to her and said, "Tyler made this and he didn't want to wait to give it to you." She opened in and oohed and ahhed over the owls. Then I told her he'd put his name on the back. The first one she turned over was the one that said baby. She looked at me and then back at it and back at me. "Are you pregnant?" I nodded. "Are you really?!" Then she screamed and jumped up and hugged me. Michelle came in too and everybody was talking and laughing and I was telling them about the whole day. It was great!
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| Our family of owls |
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| With the new addition! |
On Sunday Angie came over and we showed her the owls too. She BURST into tears!! I was surprised, she'd never gotten so teary before, but she said it was because she wasn't expecting it. It was really sweet!
So that's it for now! I'm 4 weeks and 2 days according to my last period, but my guess is that I might be a couple of days further along than that. I don't know exactly when I ovulated. My OPK was close to positive on day 12, and less so on day 13, and I pretty sure it wasn't positive on day 11 (which is the day we conceived), so I don't know, somewhere around there. I don't even have a doctor's appointment yet. I called my OBs office but they haven't called back yet. I have a call into my rheumatologist too, just to be sure there isn't anything I should be aware of, given my lupus. I know my medication is safe to take.
So as of now, I'm due around January 14th. Given my history and previous C-Section, I will just schedule this one, which is kind of a relief.
What a ride this will be! Goals before baby number 3 arrives: Finish the house, sell it, move, and potty train AJ! God help me! :-)
UPDATES:
WOW, I wrote this over a month ago! A lot has been happening! Tomorrow is my first Doctor's appointment. I will also have an ultrasound. It's not my first ultrasound, however. This post will get very very long if I tell the whole story, so it will get it's own post that I will publish in a day or so. Last Monday night (June 6th), I suddenly started bleeding. I went to the ER and long story short, blessedly baby is okay! The ultrasound showed the baby with a strong heartbeat (185) and actually measuring ahead at 9 weeks (by my last period I would have been 8 weeks, 3 days then). I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH). It was SUPER scary, but they aren't uncommon. I was instructed to take it easy, NO lifting more than 10 lbs (no more picking up AJ), and put on pelvic rest. We were SO relieved!
Symptoms: Morning sickness started about a week after we found out (BOO!). Also major gas (sorry), sore breasts, serious fatigue and many many food aversions. I'm just hoping and praying these subside at some point, since with Tyler they really never did. No throwing up yet, so that's a plus, I guess. I've been taking the Vitamin B-6 and a half a unisom at night, per my doctor's advice, but it's not completely alleviating it. We'll see how it goes.
FIRST DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT W/ULTRASOUND
Everything went well today (6/14)! The baby still looks awesome, with a heartbeat of 183. We could see it wiggling it's little arms! When I asked if I was really seeing it move it's arms, the baby bobbed it's head and the ultrasound tech swore it was nodding! SO CUTE! Adorable profile! My SCH is still there and had grown a tiny bit. They'll continue to watch it with weekly ultrasounds until it starts to get smaller and resolves itself. She gave me some samples of dyclegis (which is similar to the B-6/Unisom combo I've been using) to see if it helps my nausea a little more. Everything looks great!
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| Already so photogenic! |
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