Saturday, January 14, 2017

Dear Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,
Today I should be holding you in my arms.

Well, logically I know you'd have been born before today. Since your brother Tyler was an almost failed induction (and a three month recovery from the "success") and your brother AJ was born via C-Section, we were going to schedule your birth. But still, by today you would have been here with all of us.  And you're not, which makes Mommy very sad today.

My little boy.  In the months since you had to leave us, I've thought of you every day.  I've watched other mommies as their time came near and now I've watched as they brought their sweet babies into the world. I'm so happy for them, but it's a sad reminder that you and I will never share that moment.

I am so grateful for the time we had together. You were such a surprise to me, I really wasn't expecting for you to come into my life when you did.  You were a gift for me, the day before Mother's Day. It seemed meant to be!  For the first time, I got to surprise our family with the news that you were coming.  Daddy laughed, Gaga screamed, and Aunt G cried!  Your big brother helped me make little owl crafts--one from Tyler, one from AJ, and one from you.  We gave them to your Gaga for Mother's Day to tell her about you.

I carried you for just 11 and a half weeks. That doesn't seem so long, and it seems unfair that it was your entire lifetime.  I'm so sorry for that.  I feel as though I failed you, that my body failed us both.  I wish I could have done more to keep you here.

You were strong, my Gabe.  Everyone said so.  When your life was threatened at 8 weeks, everyone said you were strong to still be with us then.  And I'm so glad I got to see you.  Four times I got to see you on the screen, watch your little heart beating--so fast! Your Daddy and I got to see you wave your arms and even nodd your head!  It was a special moment, and one I cherish, so thank you for that.  I know in the end, it was just too much.

We miss you, Gabe. Mommy misses you. Daddy and Gaga and Tyler and AJ and Aunt Chall and Aunt G, we all miss you. People knew about you. I tried to make sure of that.  You were loved, you will always be loved.

Thank you for coming into my life, however briefly. I will always remember you and love you. As the boys grow older, I'll remind them that they had another brother.  They will know you.  I'll show them the little purple box (sorry, I didn't know you were a boy when I bought it and you know I love purple) and it's contents. They'll know of you as I know of your Aunt Nicky.

Watch over us with her and Butterfly, will you?

Love you always, to the moon and back.