Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quick update before bedtime

I had my appointment with my doctor this week (well, she's a P.A. but anyway).  I knew she'd be awesome and she was!  She acknowledged that I most likely had a chemical pregnancy and it was probably due to the egg not being fertilized properly and that's why my levels never got very high.  She referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist--incidentally the same one she used!  He got her pregnant the first month! (well, you know what I mean, but saying it that way does make me regret saying she "used" him)  She is somewhat concerned about the fact that I have positive ovulation tests for 6 days running every month and about my low progesterone levels when they did my blood test at the OB.  So I have an appointment for June 20th.  I'm disappointed it isn't sooner, I'll actually be just a few days away from starting my period probably, but it's the best I could do. I even have to go to Noblesville (about 45 minutes from where I work and probably almost an hour and half from where I live) to see him the first time, but I'll take it.  I anticipate an ultrasound and lots of blood work.  I'm ready!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Psych me up

For some reason I'm singing that title to "Start me up!".  LOL Anyway.

I've been spending the last few days trying to psych myself up for another month of TTC.  Understandably this is going to be a hard one.  It's very tiresome, trying and failing to get pregnant.  Temperature taking every morning, clockwork sex followed by awkward propped up nap so as to try to keep the baby-makers up there, no caffeine, take the OPKs, chart EVERYTHING.  Don't get me right, I'm a control freak so I don't want to not do these things, because they can help in TTC, but it's just daunting right now to jump back into it.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Tyler.  I pray for strength and understanding and patience. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my family doctor.  She's actually a P.A. and I've been seeing her for about 8 years now.  I was sick as a dog with bronchitis one weekend and I found this doctor's office that had Saturday hours and always welcomed walk-ins.  I met Amber that day and she's been my "doctor" ever since.  I have literally cried on her shoulder many times.  She has supported me through illness, injury, and ttc.  She's made my day on more than one occasion.  I sent her a Christmas card one year and she told me that she received when she was having a horrible day and it made her cry.  She also told me that she sees my name on her schedule and she's excited.  She is so incredibly sweet. 

She had a terrible time with infertility, having many miscarriages before having her beautiful daughter, so I know she really understands what this is like.  I know she'll do everything she can to help me.  I hope I get some answers.  I seem to be very prone to unexplained ailments.  As much as you don't want something to be wrong with you, sometimes you want there to be a reason why you are sick or in pain or whatever.  I want there to be a reason that I'm not getting (or staying) pregnant because I want to be able to fix it.

I stopped bleeding yesterday and I was actually sad.  That struck me because usually I do a little happy dance when Aunt Flo leaves.  I realized that I was sad because it meant that it was truly 100% over.  It was the final piece of the baby I barely knew I was having leaving me.  I spoke to a coworker about it today and actually didn't cry. Okay, I got teary, but I didn't cry.  I did cry at my friends wedding shower on Saturday though.  I went there swearing that I wouldn't talk about it.  It was her day, I would do nothing to detract from that.  Then one of my friends asked me how I was and I hesitated.  Then she started to congratulate me.  And I started crying.  The bride to be saw me tear up and they insisted I tell them what was wrong.  I still can't believe I did that.  I can't lie! I got ahold of myself though and I don't think I was a downer.

Cycle day 7. It feels like an eternity until I will even ovulate.  (FYI usually somewhere around CD 18-21) I should be eagerly awaiting it, but I'm almost to scared to look forward to it.  I think I'm scared to want it now...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Just for a moment...

One shining moment, followed by doubt, a few days of hoping I was being paranoid, and finally confirmation that I was not.  I'll start at the beginning...

As you know, I am currently trying to conceive our second child.  Dear Aunt Flo (my period) was due last Thursday or Friday, so when she hadn't showed up on Friday, I took a pregnancy test.  It looked negative.  I belong to a Mom's forum and we hardcore TTCers take pictures of our tests (yes, really) and many of the girls then put them in a photo editing program and enhance them.  Sometimes this will bring that second line more into light or else show that that possible line you are seeing is an evaporation line or antibody strip.  So since my friends there knew I was testing, I posted my picture.  Several of my friends edited and low and behold, they could see a faint hint of a possible pink line.  I was bolstered by their findings but I was still cautious, knowing it could be nothing at all.

Saturday morning, I tested again.  Three agonizing minutes later there it was.  A faint pink second line.  Pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  Faint is still positive, especially considering that my period was barely late.  We celebrated, I told my mom and sisters (and of course my husband) and I posted on my forum.  For a whole day, I was blissfully happy.

Sunday I took a digital test, but it was negative. This didn't really worry me, since they are less sensitive than traditional lined tests.  So I took a line test too.  The line was markedly darker than Saturday.  However, during the day on Saturday I had a tiny bit of pink spotting.  I was concerned, I'd never had that with Tyler's pregnancy.  Everyone assured me that this is very normal for early pregnancy, so I tried not to worry.  Monday came and I started looking for a new OB.  I made an appointment and was assured by the nurse I spoke to that the cramping (I was having some of that too) and spotting are normal.  I was spotted a little bit during the day Monday too.

Tuesday morning, I tested again and discovered that the line was extremely faint, possibly lighter than on Saturday.  Now I was really concerned.  I tested again and got the same result.  I was spotting a little bit more than before.  Since I was worried I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in for a blood test.  I did so and stayed home to relax and wait for the results.

Wednesday morning I took my last digital.  I was hoping that maybe my tests from Tuesday were a bad batch.  No luck.  Negative.  I was pretty sure by then that something wasn't right.  I started bleeding a little more so I called the doctor and they confirmed my fears.  I'm not pregnant.  The results showed an HCG level of 3 (5 and up is pregnant) and progesterone of 1 (very low) so their assumption is that I was never pregnant.

I know I was pregnant.  I know my body and how I've been feeling isn't normal.  I never spot and my period is never late.  I know when I ovulated and when my period should have come.  Even if stress or wishful thinking or whatever could have caused a late period and "symptoms" (I was having pregnancy symptoms), it couldn't make a pregnancy tests, multiple pregnancy tests, positive.  I was pregnant, the egg was fertilized, but it was lost very early.  Likely my levels were just high enough to get a positive pregnancy test, but then fell.  They call it a chemical pregnancy.  It often happens if there is a problem with the baby forming or something isn't quite right with the mother (low progesterone, problems with the uterine lining, etc).

I'm heartbroken.  I know this is common, I know it happens all the time.  I know that I will be able to try again.  I also know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept.  Right now, I'm praying for strength, for understanding, and for patience.  The few people that I have told have been fantastic, as have the friends on my forum.  A lot of people can relate and sympathize.  I have incredible support....I will be fine.

I can't help but think that going forward I will have a hard time believing in a pregnancy test.  I'll have a hard time celebrating a suspected pregnancy.  This experience has taken that from me.  I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. It's time to make sure that everything is okay with me physically.

I write this not for sympathy but because in writing it, I can start to heal and let this go.  I'm not convinced, as I type this, that I will actually publish it.  Maybe I will, maybe I will publish it later, maybe never at all.  But I have let it out now and I am hopeful it will help.

I love the baby that never really got the chance to be.

Monday, June 20, 2011


I find myself asking my (almost) 2 1/2 year old son exactly what language he is speaking.  I should preface this with the explanation that he actually speaks incredibly well.  He started talking pretty early and he never looked back.  By a year, he knew about 100 words.  He astonishes me with the words he knows AND understands.  We won't talk about the fact that he wouldn't call me Mama until he was 14 months old.

All that being said, he has chosen this time in his life to start speaking in what I like to call Tylerese.  It's basically jibberish, but in a SUPER ULTRA HYPERACTIVE way.  A few minutes ago it was "Kaleakylayaya".  He'll repeat it too, if you ask him, so I'm convinced that he knows what he means.  He usually combines these hyper-talk moments with quite literally bouncing off the walls running around. 

My point?  I need a translator up in here!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

All the things I never say

It occurred to me tonight that I'm always not saying something.  I'm diplomatic and I tend to avoid conflict so I usually bite my tongue.  I don't admit things to coworkers if I think they may think less of me.  I don't tell a friend or family member just how much that thing they said or did hurt me.  It's not that I'm dishonest about it, I just avoid being truly honest.  Why am I like that?  For the most part, I view it as a defense mechanism.  Doing or saying the right thing saves me trouble, pain, and quite possibly the loss of a friend or loved one's relationship.  But damn, it's exhausting sometimes, not saying something.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

30 Day Song Challenge

Okay, so I saw this on Facebook and I thought it was pretty cool.  They are on day 22 though, so I figured I would just post it here :)  Because it's my blog and I can!

The 30 Day Song Challenge
Day 01 – Your favorite song

 Currently, right now, today "If I Die" by the Band Perry
Day 02 – Your least favorite song

Right now I'd say "Forget You (F-U) by Cee Lo.  It's being played too much and I'm over it.

Day 03 – A song that makes you happy

"The Sweater Song"  by Wheezer

Day 04 – A song that makes you sad

 "The Change" by Garth Brooks  Reminds me of Oklahoma City and 9-11

Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone

"You'll be in my Heart" by Phil Collins (A dear friend that passed)

Day 06 – A song that reminds of you of somewhere

"End of the Road" by Boys II Men. Reminds me of my elementary school.  It was our graduation song and the school was torn down after our year and relocated.  Appropriate, no?

Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event

"This Kiss" by Faith Hill reminds me of my first kiss.  It was playing on the radio when I got home from that date.  :-P

Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to

A song?  LOL I'll go with "Pinch Me" by Barenaked Ladies because I am impressed I can understand all the lyrics.

Day 09 – A song that you can dance to

 LOL I don't really dance.  I do find myself moving to "Raise Your Glass" by Pink

Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep

"Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood

Day 11 – A song from your favorite band

"White Horse" by Taylor Swift"

Day 12 – A song from a band you hate

 "Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eye Peas

Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure

"Tik Toc" by Kesha.  Yes I know she's spells it with a $.  I refuse to do that. It's stupid. I actually don't like her at all and I don't want to like the song, but I always end up rocking out to it.  Yeah I sound stupid when I say stuff like that.

Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love

 "Love the way you Lie" by Eminem

Day 15 – A song that describes you

"Sensitive" by Jewel.  If you asked me to describe myself, it's one of the first words I would use.

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate

"Hangin' Tough" by NKOTB.  Do I need to say more?

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio

 "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock. So sick of it

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio

LOL Showtunes, probably. My favorite Pandora stations are Rent and Glee.  Specifically, I'll say "Without You" from Rent.

Day 19 – A song from your favorite album

 "Haunted" by Taylor Swift

Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry

"She F*ckin' Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd.  It's all hate and lalala. Love it. I can't be mad after I listen to it.

Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy

"I'm Gay" by Bowling for Soup. 

Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad

 "Still Holding Out for You" by SheDaisy

Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding

"Everything I do" by Bryan Adams.  Don't judge me on that one, it's my wedding song.  I don't care if it's corny. 

Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral

"My Immortal" by Evanescence. I love that song and it seems very appropriate for a funeral.

Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh

 "A Friendly Goodbye" by Bowling for Soup.  Sample lyric to illustrate: 
Ain't that a “b” with an itch
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the “s” words you put me through
So f-u

Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument

 LMAO Okay "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana.  I rock that mother on Guitar Hero.

Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play

 I can't think of the one I want to list, so I'll put "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton and hope I think of it later.

Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty

"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. I think she's kind of a brat and I don't want to like this song, it's so Pop-y, but I like it.

Day 29 – A song from your childhood

"I think we're alone now" by Tiffany

Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year

Probably "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pep in my step!

Time for a progress report!  I have actually managed to stay on a diet and exercise plan for an extended period of time!  Yes, I have not-so-good weeks, but I always manage to get back on track.  I haven't lost a huge amount of weight (I'm actually not sure exactly how much I have lost, owing the fact that I purchased a new scale shortly after starting this and so I don't have a good starting weight on that scale) but it's around 10 lbs.  That's not amazing, considering how long I've been doing this, but when you couple that with working full time and being a mom, I think it's pretty good!  I use my elliptical, walk or ride my bike at least 3 times per week. I'm drinking TONS of water, eating better than I have in ages, and I'm getting a ton of great support from my workout buddy, facebook group, and my Baby Gaga forum.

I can seem some results in how my clothes fit as well as on the scale.  I had to buy a belt this weekend for the first time in at least 10 years!  I don't like belts, as a rule, as they tend to dig into my tummy and be uncomfortable when sitting.  But my jeans are annoyingly loose (YAY!) so I needed a belt AND I found a cute one!  It's black with an embossed floral vine and silver studs. And it was $10, bonus!  My waist is more trim.  It makes me feel good to see it making a difference.

Thanks to my lovely smartphone (Which I hold with a deathgrip whenever it leaves the safety of my pocket or purse...for backstory, click here) I have apps to help me keep track of calories, exercise, and how far I have walked/ridden.  Love that!

I feel physically better already and it can only get even better, right?!