Thursday, August 18, 2016

What's next?

I should be 18 weeks pregnant right now...we should have just found out, or be getting ready to find out, that we are expecting a baby boy.

I try not to think of that too much. I actually do have to stop and think of how far along I would be.

I've had my first few run ins with people who didn't know about the miscarriage. One was at the grocery store. We know a lot of the people who work there and one of them asked me when I was due. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I didn't really give myself time to. Then at work I offhandedly mention the work I'd missed at the end of June and she made a comment that told me she didn't know. So I had to explain. A few weeks ago a coworker came to me and said he was sorry, that he'd heard about the loss.  I did cry that time. But I also thanked him. It means a lot to me when people acknowledge it.  Of course it makes me sad, but sometimes I'm more sad that people don't bring it up. I know it's awkward, and I know people don't want to upset me. So I just remind myself of that.

My sweet coworker even drove by the cemetery where the memorial will be held. She lives nearby and she found the little area and sent me a picture. I was really touched by that. I think we should get the invitations next month, since it'll be in October.

I still want to name the baby, but mom and Adam haven't really seemed concerned about that. I don't really want to do it alone. I feel like at this point it's "too late" even. But I'd hate to have to write "Baby Boy last name" on the list for the memorial and I really would like a name to refer to. But would it mean something at this point? Or just be arbitrary? I don't know. If we conceive again I have got to come up with names or at least a nickname for the baby.

So that brings me to the future. We will be trying again. My hcg level was down to 3 last weekend and I had my first period just 4 weeks after the D&C. I also had a positive OPK last week, so I know I ovulated. My OB wanted me to wait until I had a normal period to ttc. I'm assuming my next one will be normal (the last one was maybe a little heavier and slightly longer). I'm not sure if we'll try then or not. Sometimes I am excited to try, yearning for it. And sometimes I'm overwhelmed and scared and anxious. For now I'm taking it a day at a time.

So what else has been going on? Tyler went back to school, big second grader!  He immediately caught those pesky germs (sinusitis, apparently). AJ is going pee on the potty just about every time, although he rarely says he needs to go, he just happens to be holding it until we take him. He's going to have some dental work done soon and I'm dreading it. My poor kiddos seem to have weak teeth!

We're still working our butts off on the house. We are sooooo close to done!  Just two more indoor projects and a few outdoors, if the rain will ever hold off! I'm spending time every evening scrubbing things, ugh. 

That's it for now...Here are a few pics of the First Day of 2nd Grade and a few bonus shots of the State Fair visit on a super rainy day.


Tyler is holding up 2 fingers and AJ is trying to copy him LOL

Mommy with the Boys!


With Daddy and Little Brother

Farmer Tyler

AJ didn't mind the rain--at first!



Deputy Tyler

Friday, August 12, 2016

Song Lyrics for Loss: Slipped Away

This one keeps the lyrics pretty simple, but the melody really make it for me. There's a frantic disbelief to it that I relate to and it really represents the fleetingness the whole experience had.

"Slipped Away" Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oh
I hope you can hear me
'Cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone, now you're gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Monday, August 1, 2016

Song Lyrics for Loss: Beam Me Up

I'm still here.  Life is going on.  I still think about my loss every day. It's not taking over my life, and most of the time I think about it without getting terribly upset. Its in the quiet moments alone in the car or in bed at night that I think about it.  I'm still reminded any time I do something I couldn't do while I was pregnant.  I was so glad to turn the page on my calendar today at work, to a page that didn't have doctor's appointments scratched out on it. I'm taking it a day at a time, trying to find things that help when I need to think about it.

For example, I love music. I find it very healing.  So it should surprise no one that I went looking for songs to put into words some of what I've been feeling. I thought I'd do a little series of some of the song that brought me comfort. The title should link to the page I got the lyrics from, and you can play the song there I think, or they are on YouTube. If there are any I should check out, please leave them in the comments.

"Beam Me Up" Pink

 There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playin' frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're lookin' at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up. 


I'm totally obsessed with this song.  For sure, what wouldn't I give to have a minute to see my baby? So pretty and sad. Although I have to disagree, I don't think a minute would be enough for me.