Thursday, August 18, 2016

What's next?

I should be 18 weeks pregnant right now...we should have just found out, or be getting ready to find out, that we are expecting a baby boy.

I try not to think of that too much. I actually do have to stop and think of how far along I would be.

I've had my first few run ins with people who didn't know about the miscarriage. One was at the grocery store. We know a lot of the people who work there and one of them asked me when I was due. Surprisingly I didn't cry. I didn't really give myself time to. Then at work I offhandedly mention the work I'd missed at the end of June and she made a comment that told me she didn't know. So I had to explain. A few weeks ago a coworker came to me and said he was sorry, that he'd heard about the loss.  I did cry that time. But I also thanked him. It means a lot to me when people acknowledge it.  Of course it makes me sad, but sometimes I'm more sad that people don't bring it up. I know it's awkward, and I know people don't want to upset me. So I just remind myself of that.

My sweet coworker even drove by the cemetery where the memorial will be held. She lives nearby and she found the little area and sent me a picture. I was really touched by that. I think we should get the invitations next month, since it'll be in October.

I still want to name the baby, but mom and Adam haven't really seemed concerned about that. I don't really want to do it alone. I feel like at this point it's "too late" even. But I'd hate to have to write "Baby Boy last name" on the list for the memorial and I really would like a name to refer to. But would it mean something at this point? Or just be arbitrary? I don't know. If we conceive again I have got to come up with names or at least a nickname for the baby.

So that brings me to the future. We will be trying again. My hcg level was down to 3 last weekend and I had my first period just 4 weeks after the D&C. I also had a positive OPK last week, so I know I ovulated. My OB wanted me to wait until I had a normal period to ttc. I'm assuming my next one will be normal (the last one was maybe a little heavier and slightly longer). I'm not sure if we'll try then or not. Sometimes I am excited to try, yearning for it. And sometimes I'm overwhelmed and scared and anxious. For now I'm taking it a day at a time.

So what else has been going on? Tyler went back to school, big second grader!  He immediately caught those pesky germs (sinusitis, apparently). AJ is going pee on the potty just about every time, although he rarely says he needs to go, he just happens to be holding it until we take him. He's going to have some dental work done soon and I'm dreading it. My poor kiddos seem to have weak teeth!

We're still working our butts off on the house. We are sooooo close to done!  Just two more indoor projects and a few outdoors, if the rain will ever hold off! I'm spending time every evening scrubbing things, ugh. 

That's it for now...Here are a few pics of the First Day of 2nd Grade and a few bonus shots of the State Fair visit on a super rainy day.

Tyler is holding up 2 fingers and AJ is trying to copy him LOL

Mommy with the Boys!

With Daddy and Little Brother

Farmer Tyler

AJ didn't mind the rain--at first!

Deputy Tyler


Unknown said...

Hi Melissa. I was notified from the Google since you are in our contacts for the JGE PTA. I want to say I am sorry for your loss and it can't be easy but do think that with naming your precious little boy would give you peace. Praying for your future baby making :)
Heather Peek, PTA Treasurer

Melissa Long said...

Thank you Heather...very nice of you to comment!

Brianna said...

It's tough with the people who know some, but not all. I'm grateful that there are people in your lfe that are acknowledging your baby boy's death. It makes it feel like you aren't the only one remembering him. As for the name, if you have one right now, then use it. If you don't, you can name him later, whenever feels right.