Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ta-Ta 2011

As 2011 draws to a close I, like many others, reflect on it's events.  In most ways, it wasn't a very eventful year.  I work at the same job as I did this time last year.  Our financial situation is better (at a cost), so that's going in the positive column.  My family has remained intact, another positive.  My friends are happy and healthy.  I gained an honorary nephew and the promise of my first niece next April.  I've made new friends and strengthened friendships with old friends.  I celebrated two new marriages. I've watched my son grow day after day, amazing me along the way.

There were a few negatives of course.  Much of the year was spent trying to add to our family.  Easily the low point was my miscarriage in June.  But for the most part, I've been lucky this year.  My losses were few and my gains were sweet.

All in all, it seems like it was a year of promise.  Promises of good things to come.  It was a year of growth and learning. I learned a lot about myself.  I'm stronger than I knew. 

2012.  I like the sound of it, if for no other reason than I prefer even numbers.  Yes, I'm a little strange that way.  I chose to go into the year with hope and goals. Of course, I would like to have anther child this year.  I would like to (again) try to get healthier.  I'd like to do some thinking about what I want from my life.

So here's to 2012.  I hope that all of you that are reading have a great year ahead of you.  And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cocktail, a husband, and a night of relaxation ahead of me.  Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas Rush

I always feel like it starts just after Thanksgiving.  It's easily my busiest month at work.  Add that to family functions, holiday parties, doctor's appointments, and of course Christmas shopping and I am a BUSY girl!  My husband and I were both down with strep throat last week, so I'm playing catch up in a pretty major way.

We got Tyler's tests results back, FINALLY. I had to call to get them about 2 weeks ago and call again yesterday to get the letter I should have gotten ages ago.  Long story short, his tests were normal, although they did note a few episodes of acid reflux.  They didn't suggest any new treatments, stopping treatments or even setting up a follow up appointment.  I've lost all respect for that office.  He has an appointment with the doctor that our PCP wanted him to see originally (We went elsewhere because the wait for an appointment was several months) in January.  Perhaps things are as good as they can be, but I want to be sure.

Thanksgiving didn't bring us the BFP I was hoping for, so now I've started my first round of femara.  I'm trying not to focus on it too much this month.  Ha, we'll see how that goes. 

Aside from that, Tyler is SUPER excited about Christmas!  We put up the tree Sunday and my mom and I even made our own new tree skirt.  I think it will be a very fun Christmas!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Keep on Keeping On

Seems to be the name of the game these days!  I don't have a lot of news to write about.  It's a busy time at work, we've been passing around a cold at my house, and my sister moved into her own apartment.  Christmas is coming and I'm starting to feel like I have a LOT to do! 

Still no results from Tyler's doctor.  I think I mentioned that the whole experience was pretty frustrating so I suppose I'm not surprise.  I will give them a call on Monday.  It's been two weeks, so we should have heard something by now.

We're still trying to get pregnant.  I am on my final round of clomid.  My doctor recommended trying injections if we don't get pregnant this month, but unfortunately, I found out they are not covered by my insurance.  The medication alone will cost $500-800.  It's not something we can afford right now.  So it looks like we'll try another pill, femara.  It's similar to Clomid, but it affects a different part of the brain. The success rate is about the same as Clomid, but I figure it's better than doing nothing.

Thanksgiving is next week, so it'll be a short 3 day week at work!  I'm looking forward to time with family and time off work!  There should be more 3 day work weeks!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Through the rough

Boy am I glad this week is over!  Tyler had his endoscopy and reflux study Thursday.  He did GREAT...until he woke up afterward.  Then he was understandably scared and wanted nothing more to do with any of the equipment or staff.  He had a tube in his nose that was attached to the probe he'd have to wear for 24 hours. He hated it, I hated it.  But we got through it.  He was such a brave little guy and I was so proud of him.

The experience sucked over all.  The doctor was being an ass and the nurses hadn't explained the procedure clearly when it was scheduled. We were totally unprepared with all it entailed. Several times we were given contradictory information or told something that then ended up not correct.  All in all, I'm glad it's over. We don't have results yet but I won't be taking Tyler back to that doctor.

It was also Halloween this week.  Tyler had a lot of fun trick or treating.  He went as Thomas the Tank Engine, which he is obsessed with!  He has just about doubled his collection of toy trains over the last two weeks, some as gifts for being a big brave boy this week and two of them for going potty in his big boy potty!  He has done that 3 times.  I know it's probably all by accident, but it's a great start with potty training, since we haven't been trying very hard before now.  He's had such issues with constipation, we haven't focused on it before now.

You were going to get pics of trick or treating, but since my husband restored my computer and hasn't put the driver for the SD card back on, it'll have to wait!  I wrote this post days ago, so I'd better go ahead and publish it!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Suck it, October

This month SUCKS.  Praise Jeebus it only has 3 more days, two of which are weekend.  Work has been awful, Tyler hasn't felt well and will have his endoscopy next week, so he can't take his reflux meds and it's already bothering him.  And, not surprisingly, I'm not pregnant.

Okay, shake it off...letitgo

Good things!  I'm going to have a niece in April!!  My sister in law, who has three wonderful boys that I love to bits, is finally going to have a girl!  I can't wait to meet Elizabeth Grace!!

Tyler peepeed in the potty for the first time yesterday!  With all of his constipation problems, potty training has been delayed for the most part, and it was totally an accident that he went, but it's the first step!  My big boy!!!

Good things...good things...I could probably think of more, but I'm tired and cranky, so that's all I got!  Come on November, bring me good things!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Duh

Today I got a text message from twin. "I can't find my phone. Can you call me?" So I did. She answered right away.
Me: "so you found it."
Twin: *giggles gleefully* "nooooo....how could I text you if I couldn't find my phone?" *more giggles*
Me: *facepalm* "you suck."
I really fell for that. The good news is so did my husband! :-D LOL!
It's been one of those weeks where things just aren't working like they are supposed to! I haven't even really been getting mad about it. It's sort of funny! Monday, I came to work to find my monitor kaput. Tuesday, the scanner wouldn't work. Or rather it wouldn't work FOR ME. Today my vein wouldn't work! They never have a hard time taking my blood and yet....
Ah well, its amusing, really!

ETA: Yeah and now I realize that submitting my blogs via text message posts very short separate entries.  Why on Earth would I want that?!  *rolls eyes*

Friday, October 7, 2011

A request

Do you think if I put in a request now for next week to not suck, it might be granted?

'Cause really, last week sucked.  And this week, pretty much a suckfest too.

Firstly, my mom's diabetic 11 year old cat Tigger has been sick.  He had something that looked like a seizure the other day.  We were told it might have been a reaction to flea treatments and him being diabetic.  So we gave the cat a bath.  That wasn't a lot of fun.  The next day my mom took him to the vet. Turns out he is VERY anemic.  They aren't sure why, and my mom flat cannot afford the tests to really figure out why.  So far the vet is treating him as best as he can, with fluids mostly.  This vet doesn't keep animals overnight, so we keep having to take him back in to be checked again.  They are being super great and not charging for the extra care, God bless them.  But it remains to be seen if anything they can do at this point will help.

Also, today Tyler had a doctor's appointment at his GI specialist.  Tyler has been treated for acid reflux since he was a newborn.  He is also super picky about what he will eat and he has issues with constipation.  I went in thinking they were going to tell us to keep doing what we are doing, since he isn't doing too badly.  Instead, they said they want to do an endoscopy to see if there is an underlying problem that is causing him to not eat that well.  They also want to put a probe in for 24 hours that will measure the amount of reflux he's having.  Just the thought of putting him through that is making me feel sick.  I know it's what is best, they'll be able to treat him if there is a problem or we can take him off the reflux medication if that's not an issue anymore.  But it's still an awful though for a mother to have to allow her child to go through a scary thing like that.

Finally, I had my HSG test today.  It went okay, my uterus and right fallopian tube look good, but they dye wouldn't go through my left tube.  The doctor is blaming the fact that I was cramping during the procedure. Apparently, the opening of the tube is only about 1 millimeter, so if the uterus is cramping, the dye might not be able to get through.  Since the dye wasn't getting in at all and I don't have any history that would suggest a blockage, he isn't very concerned.  So we will continue with this cycle of Clomid and then move on if it doesn't work.

I guess I didn't think they would find anything abnormal, so now that nasty doubt is creeping in a little bit.  I know that if it's meant to be, it will happen.  But in this moment, I feel overwhelmed and sad.  I guess it's probably everything going on at once.

But if the universe could possibly squeeze out a less stressful, more pleasant or at least less eventful week next week, I would really appreciate it. Just putting it out there.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

New News


                A friend of mine mentioned that I hadn’t written on my blog in awhile.  That’s true.  I guess there are a few reasons for that…One is that I’m cheating. LOL I’ve been contributing to a blog for woman TTC.  It’s been nice to be able to share my experiences there.  I don’t get a lot of comments, but I really do hope that some girls are reading it and can relate. It helps me to write it, anyway.  I don’t think I’ll stop writing about TTC here, but I do think it won’t be the main focus.

                So long story short, we are still trying to conceive baby number 2.  I’ve been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and his office has been wonderful to work with.  I’m on my third cycle of Clomid.  So far, we know that I am ovulating and that everything else looks relatively normal.  The first month, I ovulated on CD 16 (normal for me was 18-23).  Last month I ovulated on CD 15.  The first month, I got my period 14 days after ovulation.  Last month was only 11 days after ovulation. Both months, my progesterone level was normal (12.6 the first month, 16 last month), but I was having spotting a few days before my period began.  My doctor thinks my progesterone level might be dropping a little earlier than it is supposed to, which could prevent a fertilized egg from implanting.  So this month, I’ll be taking progesterone supplements after I ovulate.  Hopefully it will help.  I am also scheduled to have a test called HSG done on Friday. Basically, dye will be inserted into my uterus and they will be able to check for abnormalities and blockages in the fallopian tubes. This is all guided by X-ray.  I am anxious to see what they find.  Many women have success shortly after the test, so I hope it might help us.

                Another reason is that I just don’t have that much to write about.  I’m in one of those ruts where life becomes a routine. It’s not a bad thing, but there is not a lot of exciting, witty things to write about just now.  I work, I take care of Tyler, I run errands, and I do things around the house.  That’s about it!  And I’ve been watching WAY too much TV lately.  I’ll feel better about that once I get my elliptical back in the house so I can work out while I watch.  LOL

                Tyler is doing well.  He’s chosen his Halloween costume (Thomas the Tank Engine) and we were finally able to get his hair cut last weekend (not the easiest thing).  He is not in the least bit interested in potty training (why am I not surprised), but I hope we’ll be able to tackle that soon.  He is being hilariously literal these days.  We've been working really hard at manners lately, specifically saying please.  He will ask for something and we remind him to say please.  When he says please (only) we try to get him to say the question again AND say please.  Usually he just agrees at that point, because he thinks we are asking. LOL

                The weather is cooler and the leaves are changing colors.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the weather and how pretty it is outside.  It makes me think of change and wonder what will change for me before the next fall.  Only time will tell.

Thanks always for reading!

               

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I Remember

I can't believe it's been ten years since that day.  I was a sophomore in college.  My mom and my twin sister and I were in the car on the way to school (yeah, twin and I didn't have cars back then, don't judge) when we heard that a plane had crashed into one of the Twin Towers.  We were shocked, how could an accident like that happen?  We listened, uneasy, on the way into town.  Once on campus, I headed to a computer lab to kill some time before my first class.  Everyone was talking about what happened and suddenly it was being said that a second plane had struck the other tower.

My stomach turned over.  It was suddenly horrifyingly obvious that this was not an accident.  I wasn't sure what to do, but I couldn't sit still.  I grabbed my things and went to find a phone.  I called home. I had to try several times, because I kept getting the "All circuits are busy" message.  Finally I reached my dad.  "Dad, what's going on?" I asked.  He didn't know much more than I did, but he told me that my mom was looking for me, that she wanted us to come home. 

I quickly found my mom in the parking lot and told her I would go and find Angie.  I rushed across campus, having no clue what class she was in or where it was.  I hurried to the adviser's offices, where a friend of mine was working.  She did me a favor and looked up my sister's schedule.  I rushed to her class and together we went back to my mom and headed home.

The rest of the day, I sat in front of the television, transfixed.  I got home in time to see the first tower fall.  I watched the same images over and over again.  The planes striking the mighty towers.  The burning pentagon.  The gaping hole in the ground in Pennsylvania.  The towers fell and I cried, wondering how many people had just survived the attack only to die such a horrible death in the collapse.

That day was my generations "Where were you when".  It joins such events as Kennedy's assassination, Pearl Harbor, and the Challenger exploding as events that people talk about throughout their lifetimes, event that they describe to the younger generation.

I have always been a writer.  Stories, diaries, journals, I've always written down my thoughts in one form or another.  I don't write much by hand these days, it tends to go down more by keyboard.  But I do still occasionally write in the same journal that I was writing in that year.  Here is what I wrote that day:

This is a day that will be entered into the history books and read by my children.  The United States was attacked by terrorists today.  They hijacked 4 planes--Commercial jets with passengers. Two of them were deliberately crashed into the Twin Trade Towers in Manhattan, New York. One crashed into the Pentagon. The last one was headed for D.C. too, possibly targeting the Capitol or the White House.  It crashed somewhere in Pennsylvania, about 80 miles from Pittsburgh. The most devastation was in New York. The towers both collapsed.  Footage makes it look like the whole island is on fire...it's horrible.  Thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, have been killed today. God it just feels like the world is going crazy. I know one thing, I will be going to bed tonight knowing I am not as safe as I thought I was. Everyone sees the U.S. as strong, a superpower, but today, we were vulnerable. Devastation. Horror. Death. Destruction. Lost Innocence. Fear. Despair. Loss.  Terror.  War...is it possible?  Is this war?  I think that the world will never be the same.  I know that I will never be the same.

A lot has changed since that day.  The world isn't the same.  But our lives go on.  Today, I remember the lives of those that ended that day. 

God Bless America

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Scary Smart

I have come to the conclusion that my son is scary-smart.  Once he started to talk, he learned words so quickly!  He has known his alphabet for ages and is fairly good with counting too (he used to have something against the number 4, but he's over that now).  Here are a few more examples of his brilliance:

  • We love to show off his smarts with a series of questions.  He can tell people his full name, how old he is, where he lives (City and state), what street he lives on, and his mommy and daddy's names.
  • He loves to play with my husband's old basketball cards.  One day, he was handing them to Adam and asking "Who dis is?", so Adam told him each players name.  From that day forward, he began handing them to people and telling them who that card was.  I'm not kidding.  "Mookie Blaylock, Dennis Rodman, Dana Barrows, Hakeem Olajuwon (yeah, that one is funny to hear him say)".
  • He has a crazy good memory.  He knows his schedule and he wants to stick to it, everything from when his favorite shows are on to which way to drive to certain stores and restaurants.  For example, there is a doughnut shop not far from my house and we have been there with Tyler ONE TIME.  And still, when we turn down that street, he asks to go there.
  • Finally, he is a very technological child.  He got his hands on an IPad once and mastered it immediately.  On the few occasions where we've been desperate for something to occupy him, he has become a whiz at our cell phones.  He even plays with our old models (which we even charge so he can turn them on) and can do things that I couldn't figure out in 2 years of using the phone!  Plus, he loves to use the computer.  He knows where the bookmarks are and where his games are (he gets to play as a treat when he's been very good).  
That being said, my husband brought home an ancient laptop computer for him today.  It will play some of his educational computer games.  Needless to say, the child is in HEAVEN!  I had to snap a picture:

Forgive the somewhat evil expression, he was very excited.


He's going to be so much smarter than me, and I'm just thrilled about that.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Updates

So!  It was a busy week!  Work was crazy and abbreviated last week.  We thought Tyler had broken out with hives so that was scary and stressful.  He broke out into spots, but then they sort of disappeared.  We took him to the doctor and she suspected hives because they had faded.  However, they were back the next day.  The final conclusion was bug bites :(  It's a relief that it's not an allergy though!  He's doing much better now. 

I was a bridesmaid in my friend Mandy's wedding this weekend! Friday was the rehearsal dinner and it was a TON of fun!  I really like Nate and Mandy's friends and family!  We ate outside in the backyard and little did I know, I was becoming dinner too!  I have (at last count) 36 bug bites on my feet and legs!  I itch like crazy! 

The wedding was Saturday and it was beautiful!  It was really touching to see how in love Nate and Mandy are and how emotional it was for them.  It was wonderful!

Sunday was grocery and cleaning day, along with resting my high-heel sore feet and trying not to scratch my legs!

It was back to work today :-P time for month end and covering for someone on vacation. It's going to be a busy one before a 3 day weekend!

Monday, August 22, 2011

What would I be?

My mom and I spent a lot of time talking on our little roadtrip last week.  I asked her what she would do (for a living) if she could do anything.  Not considering money, training, or even talent.  She said she would want to be a marine biologist.  She didn't even hesitate.

So why, a week later, am I still wondering what my answer to that question would be?  Well, as my mom pointed out, one reason is that I think way too much about a question like that.  I think, well I'd like to be a singer or an actress.  But then I think no, because I want to be married and have my kid(s) and live in Indiana and I couldn't really do those things and have that life. 

I guess it comes down to I can't imagine a life other than the one I have.  Sure, the trials and challenges aren't so desirable, but I would rather have my friends and my family then to trade away my problems.  Bottom line, I may not know what I want to be when I "grow up" or what I'd be if I could be anything, but today, I'm pretty happy just being me.

Now if only being me included a bigger paycheck :)

Thursday, August 18, 2011

That's how it's done!

Month one of Clomid!  So far, no major side effects, although it's early for some of that. Just a little breast tenderness and a little cramping.  My OPK was positive today, CD 16!  That's early for me, I'm usually CD 18-22.  I'm having pain in my right ovary too, and I never have ovulation pain.  Good sign, I think.  I'm encouraged, but trying not to stress.  I don't really expect it to work the first month. 

In other news, we're on vacation this week.  Monday was the fair and we had an awesome time!  Tuesday my mom and I went to southern Indiana to visit several cemeteries and take pictures of the graves of our relatives. It was a lot of fun and very interesting too!  One of my relatives helped found the tiny town and so there were really big memorials of their family!

Yesterday we took Tyler to the GI specialist and then went out to lunch and today we did some garage sailing.  I got a bean bag chair for Tyler for a dollar and a garden hose reel for $4.  Score! 

Relaxation and house work tomorrow and then on to the weekend!  Why aren't vacations longer?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sadness that hits home

I've lived in Indiana all my life.  When bad things happen where you live, it's very surreal.  Last night, at a Sugerland concert at the Indiana State Fairgrounds, the stage collapsed.  It was getting ready to thunderstorm and the wind simply blew the metal scaffolding over into the crowd.  At least 5 people were killed and many more we injured.  Today I pray for the families of those affected.  When something like that happens in a place where you have actually set foot, it really hits home.  I've gone to the State Fair every year for as long as I can remember.  I'm going there tomorrow.  I went to a Reba McIntyre concert in those very grandstands when I was in high school. 

Tonight, where ever you are, how few readers I may have, please say a prayer for the people affect by this tragedy and others like it that happen all too often...I know I will.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Blame it on the hormones

Today was not a good day.  I think I'm in a bit of a funk.  Work isn't great, home isn't great, I'm worried about a hundred and one things.  Tyler's been super fussy, not sleeping well, and not eating well.

And now I'm messing with my hormones. Yeah, that was smart.

I was ranting a little (okay, a lot) at work today.  This was not the day to try to deal with the Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles.  I have a theory that they hold auditions to work at the BMV instead of interviews, because it seems like the most unpleasant people work there.  Anyway, long story short, I was trying to set up an account on their dealer website so that I can order temporary license plates for our customers.  We just found out it has to be done online now.  So the website said to enter my dealer number and they would email me the new password.  But they don't have my email.  There was a note that said that if that was the case, to call this phone number to have an email added.  So I did that.  And the lady said I had to have a letter signed by one of three people listed in their system.  The first two have retired. The third is the OWNER of my company.  Yeah, I need to bother the owner of my company and ask him to please have the Indiana BMV add my email address to their system.

Seems pretty trivial to me and I'm sure it will seem trivial to him as well, but that's what I've got to do.  So anyway, I was telling my boss this and describing the snarkiness of the BMV employee and he (not so delicately, I might add) asked if I had started taking my fertility medication.

I sort of just stared at him for a minute, at first sort of taken aback that he would ask me that.

And then I thought, "Huh.  Yeah, I guess that could be it."

And the cherry on the craptastic day?  I broke my glasses.  I was pulling a shirt off over my head and crack!  The leg snapped clean off.  So I will be walking around with scotch tape around my glasses until the weekend when I can go get them fixed.  I could really use the "Reparo" charm right now.

*sigh*

On the plus side (gotta try to find one), my hormone levels at my appointment were fine.  My ultrasound must have been too, since they gave me the prescription for Clomid. I haven't heard back about my Glucose and Insulin levels, but I felt pretty much fine after drinking the lovely orange soda, so I think it'll come back okay too.  AND I'm taking vacation next week.  Even if homelife isn't great right now, it's got to be better than work and homelife put together, right?





right?





Anyone?  Bueller?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Full steam ahead!

In the hopes of trying to avoid another TMI, I'll just say that today is Cycle Day 1!!!  I did a little happy dance when I made that little discovery!  So I called my RE's office and scheduled my tests for Friday morning!  Here's a rundown:

7:45 AM Glucose Tolerance Test (which means nothing to eat or drink after midnight!)
8:45 AM Baseline Ultrasound
9:45 AM Bloodwork

They said the results should only take a few days to come back and I can go ahead and start Clomid on CD 5, Sunday!  I'm so excited to get started!  I hope this is the tool that will finally help me succeed at having another child!

Thank you all for following along with my journey, I hope I'm not boring and/or grossing you all out!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Is she or isn't she?

Be warned, this blog may be a little TMI! :)

So last night I was getting ready to go to bed and I noticed that I was spotting a little bit.  Obviously I've been on the watch for Aunt Flo, and I noticed the TP was a tiny bit pink.  For the first time in my entire life, I was happy!  Yes, this is what we want, get this crazy cycle over so that I can get started with THE PLAN! (See THE PLAN here

I went to bed, assuming that AF would be in full force by morning.

You know what assuming does, right?

I've been spotting all day, mostly brown (sorry) but even a tiny bit of reddish once earlier.  It comes and goes.  WTH is that about?  I never spot, I usually got to the bathroom and Hello Aunt Flo!  I don't know if this is more fall out from the miscarriage or what?! 

So officially, I am still waiting for AF.  If she doesn't show tomorrow I'm in danger of having the schedule be pretty messed up in terms of getting into the RE for testing on CD 3 :-/

On a positive not, hubby's swimmers look good.  I assumed they would, but it's good to know that's not an issue!

And that concludes your TMI post for today!  This post was brought to you by the letters A and F and the color red.  lol

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'm a NINJA! Or maybe MacGuyver.

I have always prided myself on being resourceful.  I love to take whatever little items I can find and bend them to my will.

Today, I tested that skill again.

I was at work and I took my calendar off the wall to write something on it.  I went to hang it back on it's little push pin and instead, I dropped it.  Between the wall and my desk.  My desk has a back on it that goes to the floor. 

First I said, "Oh F---."  Mostly because it's already been a really crazy busy and stressful week.  And also, annoying. If you know me, you know I couldn't just leave it there. It would have made me nuts.  So I had to figure out how to get it out.

I started simple, grabbing my letter opener and trying to reach down with it and push it to the side of the desk.  That didn't work. It wasn't long enough, plus there are a bunch of wires and plugs that were blocking the way.  Then I grabbed our swiffer duster.  It was long enough and worked pretty well, but again the wires were a problem.  That wasn't going to work.  So I turned to paperclips. I can do a hundred different things with paperclips.  I'm always using them for this or that.  So today I took a paperclip, unbent part of it, threaded the other end through the hole in the end of my ruler and taped the paperclip so it couldn't rotate. 

I should mention, my calendar has a spiral bound wire at the top. 


SUCCESS!  I fed my contraption down the narrow space and looped my hook through the wire.  My calendar is a little crunched from the swiffer, but it is back on the wall where it belongs. 

Photographic evidence of my brilliance:

I'm bad ass you guys, you just don't know!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A plan!

So I had my first RE appointment!  I really like my doctor.  Even though I had to drive to Noblesville for my first visit.  From now on I'll be seen in Carmel, which is closer to work.  He's super personable and funny.  The got us in right on time, even a little early (we were early) and we didn't wait too long for the doctor...It may sound silly that I mention that, but have you noticed how long you have to wait sometimes?  Anyway, so the nurse took us back and the first thing she did was take a photo of my and my husband!  They want photos in their charts!  I thought that was really cool, they want us to be a face, not a name!

So today was mostly a consultation.  He listened to our medical and TTC history and asked some questions. Then he said that it sounds like I probably just need a little boost and I am a good candidate to try Clomid.  He said the first step is to do some bloodwork, a glucose tolerance test, and an ultrasound, plus a sperm analysis for Adam.  My part needs to be done on cycle day 3.  Depending on the results of those tests, I'll start Clomid on CD 5.  The bloodwork is to check various hormone levels etc and the glucose tolerance test is to make sure I'm not insulin resistant.  The ultrasound will mainly be a baseline to give them a clear picture of what my ovaries are doing and how things look in chateau de uterus. Later in my cycle I think I would have more blood work done to check on ovulation.  He wants me to keep using OPKs so that we get a clear picture on if Clomid is making a difference. 

According to my doctor, 33% of woman get pregnant after being treated with Clomid.  We'll do 3 or 4 cycles with Clomid and if that doesn't work he's going to do a dye test, which will check the lining of my uterus and my tubes.  At that point we would try an hormone injections.  He also told me that (and I'm writing it here so I can't forget it) that it may be frustrating at first, but not to get discouraged.  He seemed very optimistic about my chances of getting pregnant. I feel very comfortable with him.

So I have a plan!  I feel like it's a new start!  At last I am at least going to be trying something different.  I also got some good advice from a friend and I'm going to make an effort to try and stop obsessing so much and enjoy this time a little more.  Since I'm working with an RE I can't just stop using OPKs and not track at all, but I'm going to calm down a bit and readjust my thought process at least.  She laughed at me because I said I planned to try to take a bit of a break.  Yeah, I plan to relax and take a break.  My name is Melissa and I am a control freak. LOL

We'll see how it goes!  I had another positive opk today at 10:00 am but my temperature wasn't up this morning, so hopefully I ovulated today and tomorrow it'll go up.  That would put dear AF due around the 31st. 

So just a little more waiting and then on to the next step!  Thanks for reading as always and thanks for all of the support!!!  I love you guys!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

It's about time!

So, as you reader(s) know, I have been TTC for over a year now and last month I had an early miscarriage, or chemical pregnancy.  I've heard that the month after a miscarriage can be different in a lot of ways. Some woman are more fertile after a miscarriage.  Some woman don't ovulate at all for a month or more after a miscarriage.  Some ovulate very late, causing them to have a longer than normal cycle.

I fall into the last group!  Today is CD (cycle day) 28 and I finally got a positive OPK today.  My cycles are generally around 32 days long and I usually ovulate around CD18-22. I was really starting to think it wouldn't happen this month, which really ticked me off.  I mean, I lost my pregnancy, wasn't that enough? I shouldn't have to lose a month of trying on top of it. 

However, the timing isn't what I was hoping for.  I have my first appointment at my Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect, so I planned to *ahem* abstain today.  Oh well.

So here's to a long TWW (proceeded by a four week wait).  Aunt Flo should be due for her visit around 7/30-7/31 if my leutal phase is it's normal 11-12 days.

I feel like in a small way this cycle is easier on me because I have my appointment tomorrow as "back up". Of course, I want to get pregnant this month, but if Aunt Flo arrives, at least I will hopefully be armed with new information about myself and with any luck, a plan!

Stay tuned tomorrow for details on my appointment!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Seven

Seven years ago today I married my best friend.  It's a day I wish I could relive.  I felt such pure joy that day.  I'm so lucky to have Adam as my husband.  He's patient, funny, hard working, and generous.  I feel so blessed that I met him!  We met when I was 20, married when I was 22 and now at 29 I remind myself how lucky I am to have found my soulmate at such a young age.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Fill it in Friday 3!

I forgot!  It's Friday, so you get TWO blogs today :)

1.   I am a (morning, evening, middle of the day) person... Typically morning because I'd rather get things done early and then relax.

2.  My favorite Pandora stations are...  I usually create stations by searching for songs, so right now it's Glee, Rent, Jar of Hearts, and If I Die Young.

3.  3 of my “must-have” songs for a road trip playlist are...  Eh Adam and I would probably listen to HP on tape

4.  My favorite pattern is... What do you mean, like paisley?  LOL Okay, um...there are some cute plaids out right now

5.  My favorite perfume is... I don't really use perfume. I like BBW splashes. My fav is sun ripened raspberries

6.  Rules are... necessary, but in moderation

7.  My most overused phrase or punctuation is... Probably LOL and I know right?  Punctuation is definitely ellipses and exclamation marks! LOL

Something to look forward to

I've always set myself little events to look forward to.  Usually it's a visit with a friend, a night out with my husband, a day of work, whatever.  It's something I started doing in middle school when I was really depressed.  You see, my middle school (which was the same as my elementary school) was quite small.  It's a private school and the classes very small. For example, my class in 8th grade graduated with 16 students.  And that was the entire 8th grade.  I was not popular by any means.  I was actually the polar opposite of popular.  I had my tiny group of friends and a small group of people that sort of made my life miserable.  There were also people who pretty much stayed out of it, or just laughed instead of joining in.  Anyway, I got really depressed that year.  I hated school and wanted so badly for the year to end that I started doing this. I would think of something to look forward to that was happening in the next few days or weeks.  Eventually the year ended, but this habit of mine remained.

Two things I have been looking to are Adam and my wedding anniversary and the release of the FINAL (gasp, sob) Harry Potter movie.  Since both of those things are happening this weekend, I'm rolling them into one.  Tomorrow night, Adam and I will go out to dinner (Texas Roadhouse, our favorite) and then to the movies to see the HP movie.  I'm so excited! If you are new to my blog, I'm a big HP fan.  I can't wait to see the rest of the story played out on screen, even if it means there will be no more.

Life has been hard and stressful lately, but having things like this to look forward to have helped me get through them.  Now I'm just looking forward to enjoying my weekend, my seventh anniversary, a great meal, and what promises to be a great movie.

Enjoy your weekends too, dear reader! 

Monday, July 11, 2011

In the know

That title came to me randomly and I'm not confidant that it will become relevant as I write, but I like it and so that's that.  Basically, it fit my stream of consciousness/update type blog for today!

BULLET POINTS!  you know I love them....along with ellipses!  I have also noticed that I use a lot of exclamation points.  Anyway.

  • Current obsession:  The Glee Project.  It's a reality show on Oxygen that is a competition to win a role on the show GLEE, which I love.  The kids on there are fantastic and I could actually see them all as a new Glee cast.  They are all extremely talented and although a few of them get on my nerves, they are also mostly completely endearing.  The songs are great!  
  • Still on the TTC train, no news there...waiting to ovulated...CD 20 :-P hopefully tomorrow...I've never gotten a positive OPK later than CD 21.
  • Took Tyler to the GI specialist today. They want to try a different medication for his constipation...hopefully it helps!
  • I see my Reproductive Endocrinologist NEXT WEEK!  I can't wait, I really hope it goes well.
  • I've been watching a new series called Switched at Birth.  There is a deaf character on the show and it has totally reawakened my desire to learn sign language.  On the Bucket List it goes!  
  • It is REALLY HOT here right now. Like HOT .  Like 115 degrees with the heat index.  UGH.
  • I've been slacking on my diet. I haven't really gained anything back, but I haven't lost in weeks.  Bad girl :( I need to get back to workouts
  • I'm out of bullet points and it's time for Tyler's juice!  

Now you are in the know!  LOL

Friday, July 8, 2011

Fill it in Friday 2!

1.  My plans for the summer include     There's the mundane work, taking care of my little man and then probably take some vacation time in August. We'll do the State Fair, maybe a picnic, etc.  Also in August, I'm in a friend's wedding and I'm actually really excited about the dress I'm wearing. 

2.  The best summer I ever had was    Hmmm...Probably the summer I met my husband.  I had a real social life and we hung out a lot.


3.  Summer is     not too different from the rest of the year for me, just hotter and makes me no want to be at work more.


4.  My favorite summer food is  HOT DOGS on the grill!  YUM! Don't forget the S'mores!


5.  The best way to quench a summer thirst is with    Frozen Coke!  I became addicted when I was pregnant with Tyler and I love them!


6.  My summer uniform consists of    Short sleeved shirt, shorts or capris and sandals.  Pretty basic


7.  The best thing about summer is     There is a lot to go and do.  Lots of events, go to the pool, and the best movies come out.  Lots of BBQs and hanging out with friends.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Fill it in Friday!

Snagged this idea from my friend's blog (http://postonmommymonologues.blogspot.com/) and thought I would join in.  The idea is there will be a new survey thingy every Friday.  Hoping it will make for some informative light hearted content!  Feel free to join, fellow bloggers!

1.   The best news I ever received was....When I found out I was pregnant with Tyler.

2.  Something I’m looking forward to is.... Hopefully having another child.

3.  Something I would never do is....Eat caviar.  Seriously. 

4.  If I could choose someone to be my life coach (famous or not, living or dead), I’d choose....Wow tough one.  Serious answer would be Princess Diana because I think she dealt with every situation with such poise and grace.  However, I will say one of the first things the popped into my head was Dory from Finding Nemo. That funny little fish gave some solid advice!

5.  If I had to put a label on my style it would be.... Casual but feminine. I'm very much a comfort girl, but I do put some effort into putting together what I wear.

6.  One should always.... be kind to themselves and others

7.  I want to....take a vacation!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Quick update before bedtime

I had my appointment with my doctor this week (well, she's a P.A. but anyway).  I knew she'd be awesome and she was!  She acknowledged that I most likely had a chemical pregnancy and it was probably due to the egg not being fertilized properly and that's why my levels never got very high.  She referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist--incidentally the same one she used!  He got her pregnant the first month! (well, you know what I mean, but saying it that way does make me regret saying she "used" him)  She is somewhat concerned about the fact that I have positive ovulation tests for 6 days running every month and about my low progesterone levels when they did my blood test at the OB.  So I have an appointment for June 20th.  I'm disappointed it isn't sooner, I'll actually be just a few days away from starting my period probably, but it's the best I could do. I even have to go to Noblesville (about 45 minutes from where I work and probably almost an hour and half from where I live) to see him the first time, but I'll take it.  I anticipate an ultrasound and lots of blood work.  I'm ready!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Psych me up

For some reason I'm singing that title to "Start me up!".  LOL Anyway.

I've been spending the last few days trying to psych myself up for another month of TTC.  Understandably this is going to be a hard one.  It's very tiresome, trying and failing to get pregnant.  Temperature taking every morning, clockwork sex followed by awkward propped up nap so as to try to keep the baby-makers up there, no caffeine, take the OPKs, chart EVERYTHING.  Don't get me right, I'm a control freak so I don't want to not do these things, because they can help in TTC, but it's just daunting right now to jump back into it.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Tyler.  I pray for strength and understanding and patience. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my family doctor.  She's actually a P.A. and I've been seeing her for about 8 years now.  I was sick as a dog with bronchitis one weekend and I found this doctor's office that had Saturday hours and always welcomed walk-ins.  I met Amber that day and she's been my "doctor" ever since.  I have literally cried on her shoulder many times.  She has supported me through illness, injury, and ttc.  She's made my day on more than one occasion.  I sent her a Christmas card one year and she told me that she received when she was having a horrible day and it made her cry.  She also told me that she sees my name on her schedule and she's excited.  She is so incredibly sweet. 

She had a terrible time with infertility, having many miscarriages before having her beautiful daughter, so I know she really understands what this is like.  I know she'll do everything she can to help me.  I hope I get some answers.  I seem to be very prone to unexplained ailments.  As much as you don't want something to be wrong with you, sometimes you want there to be a reason why you are sick or in pain or whatever.  I want there to be a reason that I'm not getting (or staying) pregnant because I want to be able to fix it.

I stopped bleeding yesterday and I was actually sad.  That struck me because usually I do a little happy dance when Aunt Flo leaves.  I realized that I was sad because it meant that it was truly 100% over.  It was the final piece of the baby I barely knew I was having leaving me.  I spoke to a coworker about it today and actually didn't cry. Okay, I got teary, but I didn't cry.  I did cry at my friends wedding shower on Saturday though.  I went there swearing that I wouldn't talk about it.  It was her day, I would do nothing to detract from that.  Then one of my friends asked me how I was and I hesitated.  Then she started to congratulate me.  And I started crying.  The bride to be saw me tear up and they insisted I tell them what was wrong.  I still can't believe I did that.  I can't lie! I got ahold of myself though and I don't think I was a downer.

Cycle day 7. It feels like an eternity until I will even ovulate.  (FYI usually somewhere around CD 18-21) I should be eagerly awaiting it, but I'm almost to scared to look forward to it.  I think I'm scared to want it now...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Just for a moment...

One shining moment, followed by doubt, a few days of hoping I was being paranoid, and finally confirmation that I was not.  I'll start at the beginning...

As you know, I am currently trying to conceive our second child.  Dear Aunt Flo (my period) was due last Thursday or Friday, so when she hadn't showed up on Friday, I took a pregnancy test.  It looked negative.  I belong to a Mom's forum and we hardcore TTCers take pictures of our tests (yes, really) and many of the girls then put them in a photo editing program and enhance them.  Sometimes this will bring that second line more into light or else show that that possible line you are seeing is an evaporation line or antibody strip.  So since my friends there knew I was testing, I posted my picture.  Several of my friends edited and low and behold, they could see a faint hint of a possible pink line.  I was bolstered by their findings but I was still cautious, knowing it could be nothing at all.

Saturday morning, I tested again.  Three agonizing minutes later there it was.  A faint pink second line.  Pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  Faint is still positive, especially considering that my period was barely late.  We celebrated, I told my mom and sisters (and of course my husband) and I posted on my forum.  For a whole day, I was blissfully happy.

Sunday I took a digital test, but it was negative. This didn't really worry me, since they are less sensitive than traditional lined tests.  So I took a line test too.  The line was markedly darker than Saturday.  However, during the day on Saturday I had a tiny bit of pink spotting.  I was concerned, I'd never had that with Tyler's pregnancy.  Everyone assured me that this is very normal for early pregnancy, so I tried not to worry.  Monday came and I started looking for a new OB.  I made an appointment and was assured by the nurse I spoke to that the cramping (I was having some of that too) and spotting are normal.  I was spotted a little bit during the day Monday too.

Tuesday morning, I tested again and discovered that the line was extremely faint, possibly lighter than on Saturday.  Now I was really concerned.  I tested again and got the same result.  I was spotting a little bit more than before.  Since I was worried I called my doctor's office and they told me to come in for a blood test.  I did so and stayed home to relax and wait for the results.

Wednesday morning I took my last digital.  I was hoping that maybe my tests from Tuesday were a bad batch.  No luck.  Negative.  I was pretty sure by then that something wasn't right.  I started bleeding a little more so I called the doctor and they confirmed my fears.  I'm not pregnant.  The results showed an HCG level of 3 (5 and up is pregnant) and progesterone of 1 (very low) so their assumption is that I was never pregnant.

I know I was pregnant.  I know my body and how I've been feeling isn't normal.  I never spot and my period is never late.  I know when I ovulated and when my period should have come.  Even if stress or wishful thinking or whatever could have caused a late period and "symptoms" (I was having pregnancy symptoms), it couldn't make a pregnancy tests, multiple pregnancy tests, positive.  I was pregnant, the egg was fertilized, but it was lost very early.  Likely my levels were just high enough to get a positive pregnancy test, but then fell.  They call it a chemical pregnancy.  It often happens if there is a problem with the baby forming or something isn't quite right with the mother (low progesterone, problems with the uterine lining, etc).

I'm heartbroken.  I know this is common, I know it happens all the time.  I know that I will be able to try again.  I also know that this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept.  Right now, I'm praying for strength, for understanding, and for patience.  The few people that I have told have been fantastic, as have the friends on my forum.  A lot of people can relate and sympathize.  I have incredible support....I will be fine.

I can't help but think that going forward I will have a hard time believing in a pregnancy test.  I'll have a hard time celebrating a suspected pregnancy.  This experience has taken that from me.  I have an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. It's time to make sure that everything is okay with me physically.

I write this not for sympathy but because in writing it, I can start to heal and let this go.  I'm not convinced, as I type this, that I will actually publish it.  Maybe I will, maybe I will publish it later, maybe never at all.  But I have let it out now and I am hopeful it will help.

I love the baby that never really got the chance to be.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tylerese

I find myself asking my (almost) 2 1/2 year old son exactly what language he is speaking.  I should preface this with the explanation that he actually speaks incredibly well.  He started talking pretty early and he never looked back.  By a year, he knew about 100 words.  He astonishes me with the words he knows AND understands.  We won't talk about the fact that he wouldn't call me Mama until he was 14 months old.

All that being said, he has chosen this time in his life to start speaking in what I like to call Tylerese.  It's basically jibberish, but in a SUPER ULTRA HYPERACTIVE way.  A few minutes ago it was "Kaleakylayaya".  He'll repeat it too, if you ask him, so I'm convinced that he knows what he means.  He usually combines these hyper-talk moments with quite literally bouncing off the walls running around. 

My point?  I need a translator up in here!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

All the things I never say

It occurred to me tonight that I'm always not saying something.  I'm diplomatic and I tend to avoid conflict so I usually bite my tongue.  I don't admit things to coworkers if I think they may think less of me.  I don't tell a friend or family member just how much that thing they said or did hurt me.  It's not that I'm dishonest about it, I just avoid being truly honest.  Why am I like that?  For the most part, I view it as a defense mechanism.  Doing or saying the right thing saves me trouble, pain, and quite possibly the loss of a friend or loved one's relationship.  But damn, it's exhausting sometimes, not saying something.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

30 Day Song Challenge

Okay, so I saw this on Facebook and I thought it was pretty cool.  They are on day 22 though, so I figured I would just post it here :)  Because it's my blog and I can!


The 30 Day Song Challenge
Day 01 – Your favorite song

 Currently, right now, today "If I Die" by the Band Perry
 
Day 02 – Your least favorite song


Right now I'd say "Forget You (F-U) by Cee Lo.  It's being played too much and I'm over it.

Day 03 – A song that makes you happy


"The Sweater Song"  by Wheezer

Day 04 – A song that makes you sad


 "The Change" by Garth Brooks  Reminds me of Oklahoma City and 9-11

Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone


"You'll be in my Heart" by Phil Collins (A dear friend that passed)

Day 06 – A song that reminds of you of somewhere


"End of the Road" by Boys II Men. Reminds me of my elementary school.  It was our graduation song and the school was torn down after our year and relocated.  Appropriate, no?

Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event



"This Kiss" by Faith Hill reminds me of my first kiss.  It was playing on the radio when I got home from that date.  :-P

Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to


A song?  LOL I'll go with "Pinch Me" by Barenaked Ladies because I am impressed I can understand all the lyrics.

Day 09 – A song that you can dance to


 LOL I don't really dance.  I do find myself moving to "Raise Your Glass" by Pink

Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep


"Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood

Day 11 – A song from your favorite band


"White Horse" by Taylor Swift"

Day 12 – A song from a band you hate


 "Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eye Peas

Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure


"Tik Toc" by Kesha.  Yes I know she's spells it with a $.  I refuse to do that. It's stupid. I actually don't like her at all and I don't want to like the song, but I always end up rocking out to it.  Yeah I sound stupid when I say stuff like that.

Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love


 "Love the way you Lie" by Eminem

Day 15 – A song that describes you


"Sensitive" by Jewel.  If you asked me to describe myself, it's one of the first words I would use.

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate


"Hangin' Tough" by NKOTB.  Do I need to say more?

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio


 "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock. So sick of it

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio


LOL Showtunes, probably. My favorite Pandora stations are Rent and Glee.  Specifically, I'll say "Without You" from Rent.

Day 19 – A song from your favorite album


 "Haunted" by Taylor Swift

Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry


"She F*ckin' Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd.  It's all hate and lalala. Love it. I can't be mad after I listen to it.

Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy


"I'm Gay" by Bowling for Soup. 

Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad


 "Still Holding Out for You" by SheDaisy

Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding


"Everything I do" by Bryan Adams.  Don't judge me on that one, it's my wedding song.  I don't care if it's corny. 


Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral


"My Immortal" by Evanescence. I love that song and it seems very appropriate for a funeral.

Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh


 "A Friendly Goodbye" by Bowling for Soup.  Sample lyric to illustrate: 
Ain't that a “b” with an itch
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the “s” words you put me through
So f-u

Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument


 LMAO Okay "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana.  I rock that mother on Guitar Hero.

Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play


 I can't think of the one I want to list, so I'll put "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton and hope I think of it later.

Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty


"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. I think she's kind of a brat and I don't want to like this song, it's so Pop-y, but I like it.

Day 29 – A song from your childhood


"I think we're alone now" by Tiffany

Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year


Probably "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pep in my step!

Time for a progress report!  I have actually managed to stay on a diet and exercise plan for an extended period of time!  Yes, I have not-so-good weeks, but I always manage to get back on track.  I haven't lost a huge amount of weight (I'm actually not sure exactly how much I have lost, owing the fact that I purchased a new scale shortly after starting this and so I don't have a good starting weight on that scale) but it's around 10 lbs.  That's not amazing, considering how long I've been doing this, but when you couple that with working full time and being a mom, I think it's pretty good!  I use my elliptical, walk or ride my bike at least 3 times per week. I'm drinking TONS of water, eating better than I have in ages, and I'm getting a ton of great support from my workout buddy, facebook group, and my Baby Gaga forum.

I can seem some results in how my clothes fit as well as on the scale.  I had to buy a belt this weekend for the first time in at least 10 years!  I don't like belts, as a rule, as they tend to dig into my tummy and be uncomfortable when sitting.  But my jeans are annoyingly loose (YAY!) so I needed a belt AND I found a cute one!  It's black with an embossed floral vine and silver studs. And it was $10, bonus!  My waist is more trim.  It makes me feel good to see it making a difference.

Thanks to my lovely smartphone (Which I hold with a deathgrip whenever it leaves the safety of my pocket or purse...for backstory, click here) I have apps to help me keep track of calories, exercise, and how far I have walked/ridden.  Love that!

I feel physically better already and it can only get even better, right?!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Get it right

I was sitting here thinking that I should write a blog.  So of course, nothing would come to me. I want so badly to be witty and interesting!  I was also listening to music, thanks to Twin and my birthday Itunes giftcard.  I happen to be a big Gleek so I downloaded a couple of songs from the show.  One of their original songs came on. It's called Get it Right.  I'm sure it's not a groundbreaking piece of song writing, but I like it and it does speak to me.

In life, I consider myself something of a fixer.  When there is an issue or someone is upset about something, I want to fix it.  Sometimes I desperately want to fix it.  I'm a very sensitive and empathetic person.  I will agonize over how to reply to a post on a forum because I truly can feel a little bit of the pain on that girl that just had a miscarriage or got another big fat negative pregnancy test.  When a friend loses someone or has to deal with something, I cry with them.  I cry with TV.  

All that aside, I don't usually feel like I have done enough.  I am (here comes a cliche) my own worst critic.  I think most people probably are.  I've never had very high self-esteem.  So here is my song of the day...

Get It Right lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

 [| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/glee-cast-lyrics/get-it-right-lyrics.html |]


Saturday, May 14, 2011

My Girls

Today I had lunch with my girls!  I have several really great friends and these three in particular form a tight knit group.  Here's your cast of characters:

Pam-I've known her the longest, we went to school together from kindergarten through high school.  Her dad and my mom also went to high school together.  Pam and I have been friends for almost 25 years, making her my oldest friend (outside of family).

Gabby-Gabby and I met in the 8th grade at an event for junior high students at the high school we would later attend.  We were both performing in the vocal division and we chatted outside and then ate lunch together.  We've been friends ever since!

Mandy-Mandy and I met in high school, through I can't be sure if we met in freshman year or not. I know we became friends later on.  See, we both had a crush on the same guy.  I ended up dating him for six months before he switched schools and sort of started ignoring me, then I dumped him.  She was very close friends with him throughout this, so she wasn't really a fan of mine :)  Later on, we did become friends and bonded over the romances that never really were.

We've always been a group.  This was really solidified in 12th grade British Literature class which was taught by one of my favorite teachers of all time, Mrs. Redding.  She split our class up into groups of four to work on projects (most notably, a comic book based on Beowulf).  Pam, Gabby, and Mandy were in a group with another friend of ours, but I was in a different group.  Their group was called "The Great Group of Gals".  I was an honorary member.  We've even gotten together a few times with our teacher since high school and to her, we'll always be the GGG.

Since high school, we've led more separate lives, but we have remained close.  Gabby and I went to the same college, but Mandy and Pam went elsewhere, but still in town.  We have always gotten the group together from time to time, celebrating birthdays or holidays, and more recently weddings and babies!

Which leads me to the following explanation of the pairing off of the Great Group of Gals.

In the spring of 2002, Gabby met Patrick.  The story goes that she met a guy on the internet and met Patrick through him (something like that, anyway).  They are pretty much perfect for each other.  That summer, in July, Gabby called me up to see if I might be interested in meeting a guy, a friend of Pat's.  I jumped at the chance, having been single for quite awhile.  So I was set up on a blind date.  And my blind date didn't know he was meeting me until 20 minutes before we met.  They only told him because he looked scruffy and they made him change!  That blind date changed my life.  It was on that date that I met my husband Adam.  We were engaged a year later and married the very next year.

Some time later, Gabby decided to try her match making skills for a second time. This time the lucky victim was Mandy. Mandy is a reptile enthusiast and Gabby just happened to know another!  She connected Mandy with Nate.  They've been together ever since and they will be married in August!

Fast forward to the summer of 2010.  On the Fourth of July, Pam spent some time with another friend of Gabby and Pat's, a guy named Cliff.  They had met at other G&P functions, but last years Fourth of July sealed the deal and they've been a couple since then and are going strong!


This is us on the night of our 10th high school reunion.  I'm on the left, followed by Mandy, Pam, and Gabby.

Pretty unbelievable story, huh?  It pays to stay in touch with those high school girlfriends!  I love these girls!  They are all so funny and we have the best time laughing together.  Pam is so kind and sincere.  Mandy is fun-loving and feisty.  And Gabby is sensitive and sweet.  They are some of the best friends a girl could ask for!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

RIP Sammy

Sadly today I must report a death.  My dear smartphone (since dubbed Sam.  I felt he deserved a name in his passing) died a terrible death in the parking lot outside my office this morning.  I dropped him.  I feel so terrible.  I used to carry my phone in my pocket but my new fancy phone has a touch screen and I sometimes carried it in my hand. I exited my car, juggling a bag, purse, keys and phone and which item do I drop?  Sammy.  I stopped and said "Man I am going to have to be so much more careful with this thing, totally thinking it was going to be fine or maybe slightly scratched.  It was face down, so I flipped it over and the screen was totally shattered.  &%$@  I totally almost bought a case this weekend too, which might have helped my phone to be not completely destroyed, but the saleslady was a bitch.  I picked up one and wanted to see how my phone would look with it on. It was at a little kiosk in the mall, so the packages pop right open so you can do just that.  I put in part way on and started to take it off again and she snapped at me that I was going to break it and snatched it (with my phone) out of my hands. She removed the case, put it back in the package and hung it back up.  I was like, "okay I was going to buy that but since you obviously don't care to sell it to me...."  So this was a totally senseless tragedy. Here is what the little scene looked like:

This image is inspired by the genius that is Ali and her blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/.  I hope this doesn't come off as copying her.  It's a FABULOUS blog and you should ALL check it out.  All 5 of my readers LOL

Anyway, my phone is toast.  And I, being brain dead, did not purchase the insurance policy.  It is my first smart phone and I have only had it 3 weeks.  It still rings, but the screen is shattered.  So very sad.  And even sadder, I had to purchase a new phone at full retail price or refurbished price.  So I will not be replacing this phone with the same model.  I'm getting an older one and my mom is going to take it, then I'm going to take hers (it's just like mine).  She doesn't want or need so many features so she wants to trade.

Isn't that a sad story?  Do you know what is also sad? I'm going through serious withdrawl.  I haven't been without a working cell phone since I was 18.

Goodbye Sammy. We had some good times together...Activation, the time we spent in the marketplace, our Angry Birds rendezvous...you will be missed.  At least until my new one comes and I forget how much I had to spend to fix this.  RIP Sammy.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mom's the word

So yesterday was Mother's Day. It's a happy day for me, ultimately, as I am Mommy to a wonderful adorable little boy that I lovelovelove to pieces!  And it was an improvement over last year. This year Tyler just had a nasty cold thing I had last week.  Last year he spent the day throwing up on me.  Strawberry flavored vomit *shudder*  He was totally into talking about how it was Mother's Day AND Gaga (my mom)'s birthday. He didn't approve of the cheesecake in place of a birthday cake though.  "He" gave me a beautiful purple butterfly necklace...because I pointed it out to daddy.  lol

Only now that it's over do I have time for a tiny bit of sadness.  My SIL had a miscarriage last week.  I think miscarriage ranks very high on my list of most horrible things that can happen.  My SIL has had 3 altogether and 2 in a row.  Yesterday must have been extremely hard for her.

And yes, I'm a little sad for me, because I want another baby so much.  I take part in a forum for Mommy's trying to conceive and I see so many women like me who struggle to get pregnant, or to come to grips with miscarriages.  I just read a story about a British actress that had a miscarriage and she was due in August.  She must have been more than 6 months pregnant, how awful to lose a baby that late in a pregnancy.  I consider myself lucky not to have had to go through that.  Maybe I'm selfish to be sad that I haven't managed to conceive yet.  We've been trying for 9 months or so, but some women try for years.  It could be much worse.

So today, I chose to be thankful for the child I have.  It would be enough even if I never manage to conceive another baby.  He's my pride and joy and I couldn't love him more.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Another year older

I am officially 29 years old as of yesterday.  On the one hand, I don't have any major hang ups about getting older or closer to 30 or whatever.  On the other hand, a part of who I have always been is "young". Does that make any sense?  I've been the young one at work for five years, but now there are younger people.  My son is 2, I have been married almost 7 years.  I'm feeling the affects of adulthood for sure. That's not a negative comment, just something rolling around in my head.  I've had to be pretty mature for my age in a lot of ways, again, not a negative thing.  It's who I am.  So here's to another year older, and hopefully wiser, and many more!

Oh and also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWIN!  I love you and I wouldn't be me if not for you!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Staycation

Adam and I took this week off work.  Today was a holiday at my office and he was scheduled to have Friday off, so we only had to take 4 days off, so we took advantage of the short week.  We haven't done too much, officially.   And yet, we've done a lot!

  • I'm with yet another cell phone company!  I was with AT&T for less than a week.  They neglected to tell us how smartphones work, leading us to go over our data usage plans in just 3 days!  Two crappy go-rounds with customer service and four calls to the person I signed up with that were ignored led me to cancel.  Now I'm with Verizon, the preferred provider of the company I work for.  They are a little more expensive, even with my corporate discount, but I have heard lots of good things about them. I really like the phone, so I have my fingers crossed that the other shoe does not drop!  Unlimited data is bliss.
  • I'm pretty proud of myself diet-wise this week.  I've managed several good workouts and I have done really well about not snacking on junk while I'm at home.  I have been eating a lot of salad and raw veggies.  I've indulged a bit here and there, but I think I've done great for being home and mere steps from the kitchen most of the week.  I have lost about 4 lbs so far, slow going, but it's progress.  Thanks always to Darcy!  And thanks to my facebook fitness group, just reading about others struggling with this gives me motivation.
  • My new office should be set up with furniture when I get to work Monday! It was a rough 2 1/2 weeks of living out of boxes and moving from place to place, but I'm excited that I will finally have a workspace WITH a door!
  • Visited the local Zoo this week.  The crowds sucked, but I did see an ENORMOUS porcupine, which was totally awesome.
  • We also visited the park.  Tyler LOVES the park...it's absolutely priceless.  And a workout for me!
I'm out of bullet points!   Thanks always for reading! :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm Henry the VIII I am!

Well I'm not, but I'll bet you are singing the song or at least thinking about that bit in "Ghost" right now!  I am, however, thanks to my mother's extensive research on Ancestry.com, related to his very last wife, Catherine Parr.  Seriously!  She had no children with him, so I'm not really related to him by any blood, but still.  She was almost beheaded, but managed to talk him out of it!  She was married to him for about 4 years before he died.  She died shortly after the King, at the ripe old age of 36, probably from complications from childbirth (she remarried 6 months after the king died...not much of a cool down period). She was married 4 times total!  She was widowed by the first 3!  Black Widow?

I have to say, I think that's kind of cool!  My mom is obsessed with Ancestry.  In fact, we're going on a little road trip next week to take pictures of the headstones of our family members.  I think it's cool to learn about people I'm related to.  Who are you related to?

Friday, April 8, 2011

Twin Talk: Russell Brand ICK

Here is a conversation had by twin and I, plus my older sister a few minutes ago.  I admit, it's pretty un-classy, so be warned. Also, explanation, Twin says the word bulbous to me randomly because it makes me giggle uncontrollably.

Twin: I'm so pissed off that they are making a new Arthur movie.

Me: I know!  There wasn't anything wrong with the original.

Twin: I even liked Liza Minelli in it.

Me: I forgot she was in that. I hate Russell Brand.  He's icky!

Twin: I know!  I look at him and I'm like, "Great! I have an STD now!"

Me: *rotflmao*

Twin:  He's like gonorrhea.

Me: He TOTALLY is!!!

Twin:  No, he's like chlamydia!

Older sister: Is he like genital warts?

Twin: No, because genital warts are hidden sometimes and Russell Brand is always up your business, burn and itching and making your cooch smell funny.

Me: *more rotflmao*

Twin: Oh and also, bulbous.

Me: *dies from laughing*

Thursday, April 7, 2011

SPRINT=FAIL

I have spent the better part of a week fighting (yet again) with my cell phone provider, Sprint.  If I was ever going to go completely postal on a company it would be them!

It all started in October when I called to try to see if I could lower my bill.  We were struggling money-wise and I thought I'd check.  They discovered that I wasn't getting a discount that I was supposed to be getting and my darling husband had never noticed!  They assured me they would put in for a credit for the entire 10 months I had not been getting my discount, but that it might not be in time for the next billing cycle. 

Nearly 2 months later, I still hadn't seen it, so I called to check and see what the status was.  I was told it can take up to 3 billing cycles.  I informed them that I was not told that.  She apologized and told me that I was eligible to resign my contract and get a different credit that would show up immediately, thus allowing me to skip a payment in December.  I needed that, so I agreed.  She told me to just go to any Sprint store and I could also upgrade my phones.  A few weeks later, I did that, but left the store without buy because I wasn't sure.  I found one online for a good deal (free) and called to order.  Then I was told that I was only eligible for a PARTIAL credit, which meant I would have to pay about 50 bucks a phone to upgrade.

By now I was mad.  No one told me that.  Not even close!  I argued and this one guy said he was going to transfer me, but he'd explain everything first and he thought they could probably push that through.  Then he dumped me to the completely wrong department with no explanation.  I was livid.  The poor girl who answered could do nothing for me. She was nice, but she couldn't even transfer me anywhere.  I finally had to call back in and start all over.  At the end, I did not get the full upgrade then.  Before hanging up, I wanted to check the status of my refund. 

Then they told me that I could only get a three month refund.  No.  Not.  At.  All.  I unloaded on them, eventually getting the refund I was owed.  And being assured that on April 1st, I would be eligible for a full upgrade.

I waited a little impatiently and a few days before the first, I called to check what plans Sprint has for Smartphones.  I had my heart set on having one if we could afford it.  I talked to a girl and she explained the cheapest plan is $129.99.  She saw that I have 3 phones on my plan and a discount. She calculated my discount and estimated my bill to be $112 a month for 3 smartphones. I needed to consider this, so I thanked her and told her I'd call back with a decision after the 1st.

We talked about it and decide to indulge ourselves.  So I called on Friday to order them and all of the sudden there was an extra $19.99 charge for the third phone plus $10.00 per phone for smartphone data.  The estimated price would be over $175.  In this exchange my phone "dropped" the call twice, forcing me to call again and start over.  I got a lot of excuses about how the plan is the plan yadayada.  Eventually I talked to a guy who seemed nice and said they were going to file a complaint about the girl who misquoted me and listen to the call. If the call was as I said it was there was a "very good chance" they could work something out and get me a better price.  he would call me on Tuesday.   I went ahead and ordered the phones, so not to miss out on the deal, but when they arrived on Monday, we did not activate them. If we had to return them we'd be charged a restocking fee if we had activated them.

Tuesday at 5pm I still hadn't heard back. I called and fought with a few people before one guy was really nasty, saying he was going to make sure if I called again I would always have to talk to him because I just didn't like the answer he was giving me.  Finally though he let me talk to his boss.  She said that the guy I'd spoken to Friday had just left me a message and did I want her to hold so I could check it. I said yes and while I used my home phone to call, she HUNG UP on me.  No dropped call.  She hung up.  And there was no voicemail message. They say that's because I was on with Sprint already so it wouldn't go through.

I was PISSED.  I called again and talked to a nice guy who said he was going to try to contact the guy from Friday for me.  He actually gave me an email address so I could contact him.  No one else would do that. 

Yesterday, William (the guy from Friday) called and he said he was passing my information on to one of the higher ups at his location and she would call as soon as she'd had a chance to look it over.  Josh, the nice guy who tried to contact William also checked in.

Today, William's boss called my cell phone but he was really just seeing if he could get me to give up.  While I was on with him, William called.  I told him I was on with his supervisor and he said, "Bear with me a minute" and put me on hold.  I got off the phone with his boss Fredrick and waited.  A few minutes later I realize that he too had disconnected me.

What.

The.

Fetch.

So here I am, over a week into this, with an awesome phone I can't activate and a MAJOR headache.  Everytime I see their number on my phone, my heart races and I get sooooo anxious!  It's really making me sick!  I just want them to stand behind what their employees say.  I work in sales too, and that's what we have to do!  If we get the price wrong, we have to eat it!  And over and over I'm being told that something someone told me isn't true.  I'm basically being lied to.

I've considered canceling, and I still may.  I'm trying to see this through.  If anyone had an "in" at Sprint, I could really use one!

Saturday, April 2, 2011