Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Psych me up

For some reason I'm singing that title to "Start me up!".  LOL Anyway.

I've been spending the last few days trying to psych myself up for another month of TTC.  Understandably this is going to be a hard one.  It's very tiresome, trying and failing to get pregnant.  Temperature taking every morning, clockwork sex followed by awkward propped up nap so as to try to keep the baby-makers up there, no caffeine, take the OPKs, chart EVERYTHING.  Don't get me right, I'm a control freak so I don't want to not do these things, because they can help in TTC, but it's just daunting right now to jump back into it.

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Tyler.  I pray for strength and understanding and patience. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my family doctor.  She's actually a P.A. and I've been seeing her for about 8 years now.  I was sick as a dog with bronchitis one weekend and I found this doctor's office that had Saturday hours and always welcomed walk-ins.  I met Amber that day and she's been my "doctor" ever since.  I have literally cried on her shoulder many times.  She has supported me through illness, injury, and ttc.  She's made my day on more than one occasion.  I sent her a Christmas card one year and she told me that she received when she was having a horrible day and it made her cry.  She also told me that she sees my name on her schedule and she's excited.  She is so incredibly sweet. 

She had a terrible time with infertility, having many miscarriages before having her beautiful daughter, so I know she really understands what this is like.  I know she'll do everything she can to help me.  I hope I get some answers.  I seem to be very prone to unexplained ailments.  As much as you don't want something to be wrong with you, sometimes you want there to be a reason why you are sick or in pain or whatever.  I want there to be a reason that I'm not getting (or staying) pregnant because I want to be able to fix it.

I stopped bleeding yesterday and I was actually sad.  That struck me because usually I do a little happy dance when Aunt Flo leaves.  I realized that I was sad because it meant that it was truly 100% over.  It was the final piece of the baby I barely knew I was having leaving me.  I spoke to a coworker about it today and actually didn't cry. Okay, I got teary, but I didn't cry.  I did cry at my friends wedding shower on Saturday though.  I went there swearing that I wouldn't talk about it.  It was her day, I would do nothing to detract from that.  Then one of my friends asked me how I was and I hesitated.  Then she started to congratulate me.  And I started crying.  The bride to be saw me tear up and they insisted I tell them what was wrong.  I still can't believe I did that.  I can't lie! I got ahold of myself though and I don't think I was a downer.

Cycle day 7. It feels like an eternity until I will even ovulate.  (FYI usually somewhere around CD 18-21) I should be eagerly awaiting it, but I'm almost to scared to look forward to it.  I think I'm scared to want it now...


Darcy said...

When you decided you were ready to start trying for another baby, did you immediately jump in to the charting and temp taking or did that come after it didn't happen as soon as you hoped? I only ask because I think all of that only adds to the stress of it all. I know there are women that swear by it and when you are looking at TTC forums, you see a ton of it. I always know when I am ovulating and have never done of that stuff. I just wonder if it would help if you didn't focus on all of that so much. I know, I don't have any experience with infertility myself (other than the fact that Will showed up 6 years after Alex and we didn't use birth control most of that time...but we weren't trying for a baby either), but I think it's an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself. I so want this to happen for you, Melissa, because when I look at my kids, I can only imagine how hard it must be for a woman to want a baby and not just have it happen. And you don't have to explain to me how much you love Tyler and how he is enough for you. I know that and I also know that one really has nothing to do with the other. Let me know what you find out from your checkup and I'll say a prayer for you. Hugs.

A Place to be Me said...

Darcy, I started "charting" in May of last year, but it was more casual charting, just keeping track of what I noticed. I waited a few months before I tried temping and then a few more months before I tried OPKs. I probably am stressing about it too much and maybe I will have to try to lay off for awhile, but that'll be really hard! LOL

Thanks for saying that about Tyler. I feel like I have to justify it to some people because they act as though I should just be happy with what I have. I am! That doesn't mean I don't want another child to love and I don't see that as a bad thing.

I'll let you know how it goes today. Thanks again for your support!

MaryFran said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you!