For some reason I'm singing that title to "Start me up!". LOL Anyway.
I've been spending the last few days trying to psych myself up for another month of TTC. Understandably this is going to be a hard one. It's very tiresome, trying and failing to get pregnant. Temperature taking every morning, clockwork sex followed by awkward propped up nap so as to try to keep the baby-makers up there, no caffeine, take the OPKs, chart EVERYTHING. Don't get me right, I'm a control freak so I don't want to not do these things, because they can help in TTC, but it's just daunting right now to jump back into it.
I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have Tyler. I pray for strength and understanding and patience.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my family doctor. She's actually a P.A. and I've been seeing her for about 8 years now. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis one weekend and I found this doctor's office that had Saturday hours and always welcomed walk-ins. I met Amber that day and she's been my "doctor" ever since. I have literally cried on her shoulder many times. She has supported me through illness, injury, and ttc. She's made my day on more than one occasion. I sent her a Christmas card one year and she told me that she received when she was having a horrible day and it made her cry. She also told me that she sees my name on her schedule and she's excited. She is so incredibly sweet.
She had a terrible time with infertility, having many miscarriages before having her beautiful daughter, so I know she really understands what this is like. I know she'll do everything she can to help me. I hope I get some answers. I seem to be very prone to unexplained ailments. As much as you don't want something to be wrong with you, sometimes you want there to be a reason why you are sick or in pain or whatever. I want there to be a reason that I'm not getting (or staying) pregnant because I want to be able to fix it.
I stopped bleeding yesterday and I was actually sad. That struck me because usually I do a little happy dance when Aunt Flo leaves. I realized that I was sad because it meant that it was truly 100% over. It was the final piece of the baby I barely knew I was having leaving me. I spoke to a coworker about it today and actually didn't cry. Okay, I got teary, but I didn't cry. I did cry at my friends wedding shower on Saturday though. I went there swearing that I wouldn't talk about it. It was her day, I would do nothing to detract from that. Then one of my friends asked me how I was and I hesitated. Then she started to congratulate me. And I started crying. The bride to be saw me tear up and they insisted I tell them what was wrong. I still can't believe I did that. I can't lie! I got ahold of myself though and I don't think I was a downer.
Cycle day 7. It feels like an eternity until I will even ovulate. (FYI usually somewhere around CD 18-21) I should be eagerly awaiting it, but I'm almost to scared to look forward to it. I think I'm scared to want it now...