I appreciate all that you do. I really do. I know that you work very hard. And while you have become a little flabby over the years, I hope I'm correct in saying that I've been pretty good to you. I give you the tasty stuff, and a decent amount of the good for you stuff.
So this leads me to ask, why have you turned against me???
First the frequent turbo charged bathroom problems. Embarrassing, painful and very inconveniant. Then the crippling cramps that start in my back and work their way forward. And now? I don't really know how to describe your latest assult. Sometimes I think I'm getting hungry. Then I realize that...well it feels like a volcano is gurgling in there. Not heartburn, exactly. And you are just...unsettled. You are unhappy. I get it. People are starting to think I'm getting an ulcer. is that what it is? Why now? Do you like the berry flavored tums or should I switch to the smoothie variety? Lord knows I'm close to calcium overdose from the chalky goodness.
And I must not forget to mention the recent agony I faced on an early sunday morn. you reduced me to my skivies laying in front of a fan, wishing for death. Not fun. I give you medicine. I give you tea. If I don't, you make me die. If I do, sometimes you make me die. Can we make a deal? A truce?
I'll even take a promise of no new afflictions? Come on? Please?
Your outer limits,
P.S. Fuck off.