Monday, April 9, 2012

Fear and Faith

Although sources vary on when the first trimester ends, they all seem to agree that by week 14, you're 1/3rd done with pregnancy and into your second trimester.  Chances of miscarriage decrease dramatically after the first trimester.

So imagine my shock and fear when at 13.5 weeks pregnant, I went to the bathroom and saw blood.  I was in complete disbelief for a moment.  Any pregnant woman will tell you that she unabashedly checks the TP each and every frequent time she uses the bathroom.  But we are never prepared to see that. 

I was preparing to leave work on Thursday, the day before a day off of work for Good Friday.  A friend had called while I was packing up, so I was chatting, but I knew I needed to make a pit stop before I left, so I asked her to hold on, pressed the mute button, and took care of business.  When I saw the blood, my heart dropped.  13 weeks is supposed to be safe.  I had just caught myself saying I was relieved to be past the worst of the risk.  It wasn't a lot but it was blood.  I unmuted my friend and shakily told her what was going on.  She reminded me that bleeding can be really common during pregnancy, and don't freak out, and call her back as soon as I knew anything. 

I hung up and dialed my doctor.  The receptionist got a nurse for me (God love them for not making me leave a message!!) and she repeated what my friend had said, that it's common but they definitely wanted to be sure everything was okay.  I told her that on the ultrasound earlier in the week, they'd seen a fibroid.  She checked my chart and luckily the report was already there.  She reviewed their notes and confirmed that they did note a 5 cm fibroid--which is not small.  She said she wanted to talk to my OB and either she or the doctor would call back soon.

I sat trembling in my car, unsure of what to do. My husband was supposed to work until 5:00 and it was just after 4:00.  I decided I couldn't wait, so I started driving to his work, about 10 minutes away, while I dialed him on my phone.  I tearfully told him what happened and he said to come over and he'd leave as soon as he could.  I then called my mom to fill her in and let her know that if the OB called the house, to have them call my cell. 

I got to my husband's work and went in to use their bathroom.  The bleeding was already just brown, old blood (sorry tmi).  I went back to the car to wait for Adam.  The doctor's office called back.  The nurse told me she'd talked to my doctor and they wanted me to go home, put my feet up, rest and drink plenty of water.  She said they wanted me to come in the next morning to check for the baby's heartbeat.

I followed the instructions.  I went home, lay on the couch with my feet up, drank water, and tried not to panic.  It was a long night.

The next morning, my mom, Tyler, and I all headed to the doctor.  Once we got in to see the doctor, she talked it over a bit with us and then took out the dopplar.  She poked and pushed and wandered about, but we just kept finding my slower heartbeat.  Every few minutes she'd murmur, "Don't panic, it's hard to find when you're this early." I would nod, breathing deeply and sometimes closing my eyes for a few second, my lips mouthing "Come on baby."

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she heard a quick flash of fast fluttering.  "There it was," she said, trying to get it back. I held my breath, telling myself we couldn't have all imagined it.  Finally, she zeroed in and there it was, a fast, steady thrumming of life.  And then I started crying, my stomach jumping as I tried not to sob.  The doctor waited to get a good count on the heart rate (155-165) and helped me wipe of the goo.  I looked at my mom and she was crying too.  Tyler was over the whole thing LOL.  He didn't like the sound of the dopplar and he was anxious to leave.

The doctor went on to say that the bleeding might be from the fibroid or from a low lying placenta.  She did and exam and everything seemed fine, no new blood.  They'll take a look at the fibroid at my next ultrasound, since sometimes they think there is a fibroid but really it's just a muscle contracting.  She said my uterus was measuring about 16 weeks, 2.5 weeks further along that I was.  She said that might just be because it's my second child, or it could be the fibroid.

So she sent me home, telling me to really take it easy for the weekend.  We had to cancel several planned outings.  No more lifting Tyler, and I am supposed to be careful about activity for awhile.  It was challenging, staying home while Adam took Tyler to an Easter Egg Hunt and sitting on the patio while he played ball in the yard.  But we do what we have to for our kids.  I sat on the couch a lot and tried not to obsess over what I wasn't doing LOL

So me and little one are doing fine.  He or she is the size of a lemon this week!  Six weeks or so and we can find out what we are having!  It was a scary weekend, but I'm very thankful it turned out okay.  I found myself watching shows on TV that really helped me have faith that everything will work out.  I watched an episode of 19 Kids and Counting, when the Duggar's doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on their 20th baby at a check up around 12-13 weeks.  They immediately started praying, but they prayed that God would help them accept His will, whatever it was.  They then got an ultrasound and found their baby was fine.  Sadly, six weeks later, they had an ultrasound and found that their baby had indeed passed.  I watched both episodes, desperately sad for their loss and inspired by their incredibly strong faith. I can only hope I was be so accepting if the worst did happen.

Last night I watched the Lifetime movie "Amish Grace".  It is a fictional movie based on the murder of a group of Amish girls at a school.  Again I was inspired by the faith describe and displayed in the movie.  It really helped me find a little bit of peace in the unknown future of my precious baby.

I love my baby already.  We tried so long to conceive.  But somehow I still manage to ask God to be with us and keep us safe, but also to help me to accept whatever happens.  And I know that is prayer that will be answered.  I have a lot of faith that my little one is going to be just fine and I will hold him or her in my arms in just a few months.  It seems incredible to imagine!


Julie M. said...

Glad the baby is OK, Melissa. Accepting God's will is really the hardest part of faith. I will keep you (and the baby) in my prayers.

A Place to be Me said...

Thanks Julie! That means a lot!