NIAW: You Are Not Alone

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I am 1 in 8 women who have struggled with infertility.  This year's theme is "You Are Not Alone", so here are my thoughts on the subject...

In terms of infertility, there's really no such thing as LUCKY.  However, on my personal journey, I was lucky enough to discover the amazing infertility community fairly early on.  I'm not saying there weren't moments when I felt alone--I certainly had those, but I was fortunate enough to have friends (and I do sincerely consider them my friends) to share the experience with. When I was struggling, on days when I got that BFN or AF arrived or I was feeling discouraged, I was able to reach out to others who really knew how I felt.  They accepted me into the community, even though I had a child, even though I perhaps hadn't been in the trenches as long as some, and they've allowed me to stay in some capacity, even after I had my rainbow baby.  They mourned with me when I lost Butterfly, never pointing out that I'd only been pregnant for a matter of days, never minimizing my grief, never failing to support me when I wanted to talk about it.

Yes, I consider myself lucky.  I had moments where I felt alone, surely, but all I had to do was sit down at my computer, or even pick up the phone in a few cases, and then I wasn't alone anymore.  There were others that were willing to talk about nothing else all day long, because some days you needed to obsess.  There were others willing to talk about anything else, because some days the weight of it is too much to bare without distraction.

Infertility certainly has a way of isolating women.  Your body is supposed to do this naturally, but you feel as though you're failing miserably. It's what we're supposed to be made for, right?  And everyday we are bombarded with images of women, even teenage girls, who can do what we cannot.  It isn't fun to admit you can't do something you "should" be able to.  And so many people make assumptions.  If you don't have children, maybe you don't want them.  If you only have one, maybe you don't want more.  Maybe you're finished having kids by choice. 

Or maybe you want a child or another child more than anything else in the world.  You feel like no one understands or you feel like you can't share it with those around you.

But you aren't alone.  You have to take the step, you have to reach out and open yourself up, but then I promise you, you won't have to go through this journey alone.  Find a forum, a facebook group, a support group, find the girl at work that goes to so many doctors appointments, share your story with a stranger and find out that she's one of us too.

Because they are the bonds that cannot be broken.  Going though infertility bonds people.  Sharing the ups and downs, the losses and the triumphs.  And remaining friends after the journey's end.

My forum group eventually became a facebook group of eleven of my closest IF friends.  Two of them are still waiting for the miracles they were trying for when I 'met' them.  My heart aches for them.  One of them had a BFP recently, but the news from the early ultrasounds has not been encouraging.  Sadly, I've lost count at the number of losses.  Every member of the group has felt loss in her own life.  And we've felt each others losses too.  Those of us lucky enough to have children now share advice and updates, while supporting the ones that are still struggling.  I love these ladies and I pray I get the chance to meet them in person someday.

They kept me from feeling alone. And I know if I decide to try for another baby, they'll be with me every step of the way.  I am lucky.  Because without infertility, I probably wouldn't know Amy, Bri, Chelsea, Emi, Jen, Jynna, Kate, Laura, Molly and Roxy.  And I am privileged to call these ladies my friends.

If you are struggling with IF, I hope you find your group of ladies.  And if you don't know where to start, you'd be welcomed in my group of ladies, so leave a comment if you need support.

This is what happens...

...When I don't have time to post!  Then I have so much and I don't even remember what I've shared and what I haven't and blah it'll probably turn into a very non-detailed bullet pointed update post.  Ah well, I won't feel caught up until I do it, so away we go!

• There was a Staycation!  We went to the Zoo (it was fun, but cold), we took the kids to one of those inflatable bouncy places (it was fun, but I twisted my ankle), we rented a storage unit and starting the declutter the house project,  and Adam and I had a date night (we saw Insurgent.  I liked the book better, quite honestly)!  Photo evidence of fun:

Goofy boys!

Undersea Tyler!

Big Guy!

AJ goes WEE!

• Easter happened!  Eggs were dyed and found!  The Easter Bunny went overboard on Easter Baskets!

Dying Easter Eggs

The Bunny has been here!

AJ Loves Paw Patrol!

Hunting for eggs with Daddy

Huzzah!

Easter side note: I gave Tyler a book of bible stories for Easter and decided it was the perfect day to read him the Easter story.  My sweet sensitive boy started to sob at the end, saying it was "Such a sad story"!  Wow did I feel like a bad mommy!  I should have started with something more upbeat, huh?

• I went to Birmingham for work. It was a quick trip, three days. It was a good, but tiring trip. It's always nice to spend time with the other ladies that do the same tasks as me, and we all really enjoy one another's company.  The trip was fairly smooth, although my arrival in Birmingham was delayed about an hour and then we got lost trying to get to the restaurant we were going to!

Cool Picture in Chicago O'Hare

Me and Miss Nova

•  Twin got us tickets to see Into the Woods in Bloomington on Friday, so we had ourselves a little mini-roadtrip!  It was great, we sang loudly, had dinner at Mother Bear's Pizza (DROOL), walked around the beautiful IU campus for awhile, and the play was excellent!
  

  

  DEEP DISH!

  
  

  

  Pretty

  
  

  

  These trees were SO gorgeous!

  
  

  

  Spring is here!

  
  

  

  Little brook/creek

  
  

  

  Twinsies!

   

• We are officially trying to get projects done at home so we can possibly list the house this summer.  First up--New Bathroom Vanity!  Adam got a vanity cabinet for $100 at an auction and we got a stone top at the Habitat for Humanity REStore.  He already had the faucet from one of his auctions too.  His coworker, who is also a contractor, was supposed to come and help us, but texted that he was sick 15 minutes after he was supposed to show up (grr!) so we decided to press on by ourselves.  Four trips to the hardware store, a stubborn, crumbling pipe, a stubborn water shut-off valve, and 8 hours later, we're pretty pleased with the results! (Still need to caulk the edges.) Still on the agenda is a new shower surround, pretty big overhaul of the downstairs bath, some flooring installation and a lot of painting!

Before, broken down white and green :-P

Adam in plumber mode

After!  A vast improvement!

The coolest thing

New blog look!  I thought it was time to freshen up a bit!

So I've been wanting to tell this story for awhile, it happened in January!  However, I had to hold off for a little while.  But it's just too cool of a story for me not to share, and really, I want to have it here so I can remember it.

I've talked many times before about a group of my friends and their families.  The four of us girls have been friends since high school.  See this post for introductions.  We all lead pretty busy lives, but we try to get together at least for birthdays and Christmas.  At Christmas, we've taken to having a gathering of all the family, with our spouses and kids.  So in January, we made a plan to get together at Gabby's house for food and presents and fun.  Gabby and Pat have three year old little boy named Logan and Pam and Clif have 1 year old Harley.  The kids love to play together and we all get a chance to catch up. 

This time we were cooking pizzas and waiting for Pam and Clif to arrive.  Mandy and I were standing in Gabby's kitchen and talking. Mandy and Nate have been trying to have a baby for awhile, but it hadn't been easy.  I had wondered if she might have good news to report that day, not sure if that was wishful thinking for a "feeling" but I was disappointed that I hadn't been right!  She has PCOS, as well as something called a bicornate uterus.  So we were catching up on that, since I spent quite a lot of time reading up on various infertility subjects.  At one point, she casually mentioned that her period was actually late.  I pressed her for details and she downplayed it, saying her periods were irregular.  I pointed out that she was taking medication for her PCOS, and hadn't she been pretty regular since starting on it.  She admitted she had. I was trying sooo hard not to get excited, but it was hard!  I know how much Mandy and Nate have been wanting to start a family and I just wanted it so badly for them. 

After a few minutes, the others started overhearing our conversation and Mandy started to get kind of nervous about the whole thing, so we started talking about other things. I took her aside later and asked, very quietly, if she wanted me to slip out and go buy a test.  She said yes, so I ran to the grocery store under the guise of needing more chips.  I came back, slipped into the bathroom to hide the tests in a drawer, and returned to the party.  Not wanting added pressure for Mandy, we tried to act casual and she slipped off to the bathroom.

 A few minutes later, I heard the door open and Mandy said my name quietly (yeah I was totally lurking close by).  I joined her and she looked anxious. 

"I think there is a second line but I don't know, because it's so faint!" she told me.

I peered at the test (First Response) and I could definitely see a second line. Then I looked closer. 

"The line that's faint is the control line!  Your test line is using up all the dye!  You're pregnant!"

Omg can I just say it was the coolest thing in the world to be able to tell someone that!  We basically freaked out together in the bathroom and then I asked if she thought Nate (Mandy's husband) would be made that I found out before he did!  She said no and we laughed and hugged.  Then I went to get Nate.  At this point they probably knew something was up and I was totally determined not to give it away, so I just told him Mandy needed to talk to him. 

Then we all just celebrated!  It was just so special for them to find out that way, surrounded by friends and I felt so totally honored and blessed to be apart of such a special day in their lives!  Mandy is now 13 weeks pregnant and everything is going well!  I'm so excited to meet my new little honorary niece or nephew!

And I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me a little bit of baby fever!!!

Twin Talk: The Fault is NPH's

Setting:  Saturday night the movie "The Fault in Our Stars" was coming on one of the movie channels.  I adored the book and loved the movie, so I settled down to watch it.  I posted on Facebook:

Me on Facebook:  Oh, why not, I like a good cry!  #favoritemovies - watching The Fault in Our Stars.

Comments:

Angie: Tooooo many feeeelings!

Me: Allll the feelings!

Angie: I'm on time out from that movie because I watched it too many times and started to worry I was getting cancer.

Me: OMG stop that!

Angie: Your sister is low level crazy.

At this point we moved the conversation offline and started texting

Me: You will never get cancer. I forbidded it.

Angie: Same to you. I can't deal.

Me: Exactly.

Angie: Dude, because of Doogie Howser I spent half my childhood thinking I was getting leukemia. Thank God we didn't have Internet yet.

Me: OMG sister

Angie: I thought you knew that.  I always think I'm going to catch the disease and die.

Me: No, I did know that. I mean, in general. I didn't know Doogie Houser was involved. I may have to write to NPH (Neil Patrick Harris).

Angie: Do it!  Between that show and Nicky having it, I was positive I was screwed.

Me: See, and I would tell you that we are less likely to get it since lightning already struck this sibling unit. 

Angie: LOL, good point.

Me: It is!  Seriously though, NPH would probably be horrified that his show made you think that.

Angie: Aw, if it makes NPH talk to me, do it because I lurve him.

Me: Hee hee I just might

Angie: I think he'd love me and then we could be bffs.

Me: Hey maybe he'd invite us to the Oscars tomorrow.

Angie: Well, that's a little quick and I don't have a dress, but next year!

Me: Yeah, better.

Angie: And then the boys can make friends with the twins and one of them can marry Harper.

Me: OMG totally!!! It's settled.  This is totally going on my blog, btw.

Angie: I was going to suggest that!

World Traveller!

I'm a terrible blogger.  Blah blah excuses, busy, etc.  But I have A) a little free time and B) interesting things to blog about, so here I am!  I've actually got several posts in the works!  First of all, my trip to Canada!  Okay, so maybe I haven't traveled the world, but I did go out of the country for the first time last week!  Technically, I have been to the Bahamas, but since I didn't need a passport at the time, I don't really count that as outside the USA.  Anyway, I think I've mentioned that I have been covering the billing duties for our Canadian division for about the last 6 months or so.  Well, they had hired a permanent replacement, so they asked me to travel to Toronto, Ontario to train her for a few days.

First step, obtain passport!  I went to the local post office with my form filled out and got a passport photo and all that and sent it all in. Less than two weeks later, my passport arrived!

Unfortunately, they misspelled my name.  Too bad Melissa is spelled with 2 "s" instead of 3.  Back it went, and luckily it only took about a week to receive the corrected passport.  My bosses-boss, Anne, had decided to coordinate her own planned trip with mine so I wouldn't have to travel alone.  She would fly from St. Louis to Chicago and I would meet her there and we'd fly to Toronto together.  I booked my flights and hotel and prayed for good weather!

Well, as I'm sure anyone in the US can attest, we haven't really had that great of weather.  The east coast was getting pretty battered by snow on the Monday I was leaving.  It was snowing in Indy (not a ton, but still, snow) but the main problem was the my plane was coming from the east coast and it was delayed.  My planned layover in Chicago was only 43 minutes, which is tight not even considering weather.  I let Anne know I might not make the connection and I sat at the gate (freezing, by the way, breezeway doors opening all the time) watching the flight get later and later.  Finally, the flight that was supposed to arrive AFTER my flight left got bumped up on the screen. I went to the desk to make sure they hadn't moved us to another gate and the attendant told me there was another flight two gates over leaving for Chicago sooner than my flight, and she noticed that one seat had just opened up.

By this point, the flight from Chicago to Toronto had been delayed a little bit, giving me hope that I might make it.  We boarded the plane and were quickly de-iced and took off.  The plane landed in Chicago and I rushed off and to the nearest screen to see what gate I needed to get to. In a absolutely MIRACLE, my departure gate was just a few gates down from the arrival gate! They were already boarding, so I got right in line and within 5 minutes of exiting my flight from Indy, I got on the plane to Canada.  I passed Anne when I got on, who was surprised but relieved that I'd made it.  As I settled into my seat, I watched crews unloading baggage on a plane nearby and I thought to myself, "There is no way my suitcase is going to make this flight."

Spoiler alert: It didn't.

We got to Canada without incident and confirmed that my suitcase had in fact, NOT made the flight.  The airline assured me it would arrive around 6:30 pm and would be delivered to the hotel.  Anne and I went through interrogation customs and checked into our hotel, then had dinner. We even tried a Canadian staple called poutine--french fries with cheese curds and brown gravy.

Poutine--Not a big fan of gravy, but interesting!

 

When we got back to the hotel, I skyped with the family (on my phone, since my webcam was in my luggage), and then contacted the airline to check on my bag.  The plane it was on was delayed.  I checked again in an hour and the suitcase had arrived and was waiting for customs.  By the time I finally went to bed around 11:30, they still hadn't run it through customs.

I got up several times in the night to check the status.  I was half convinced I was going to have to wear my grimy airplane jeans and sweater and sneakers to work the next day.  Finally, at 5:00 am I called the front desk and HUZZAH my suitcase had arrived! I collected it and returned to my room, unpacked, ironed everything, showered (with MY shampoo!), and got dressed for the day (clean clothes!), and got ready (realizing I had left my full size hair brush at home, but hey, I had a flat iron at least! And makeup!), Skyped Adam and the kids and off I went to breakfast and work.

The new hire is VERY Nice and the training went really well. After work, she and the rest of the department joined Anne and I for dinner.  I ordered a drink called a Miles Davis (all the drinks were named after jazz singers), which the waiter apologized for having spilled the mix all over himself while he made it.  Then minutes later, I put the cup down on the table--sidenote, the place was VERY dimly lit--right on the seam of two tables.  Well you guessed it, the seam of the two tables were VERY different and my drink tipped onto the table, sloshing a good portion of the contents in one of my Canadian coworker's Vodka Cranberry.  We all had a good laugh--and a replacement drink!  

The restaurant was a little fancy for my usual taste, but the appetizers were great (although i did abstain from the escargot) and I chose a pesto Alfredo dish, which usually came with shrimp and chicken. I asked the waiter if I could get it without the proteins.  When he brought it out, the bowl had ONLY the chicken and shrimp in it.  Apparently he thought I'd said no CARBS.  Another great laugh from all before he brought me the pasta instead, which was EXCELLENT! Then he brought out one too many creme brulees, so I decided to try it.  Where had creme brulee been all my life? Seriously, YUM!!!

Found a warm spot at the hotel!  If you didn't know, it's a little cold in Canada!

We went back to the hotel for what I hoped was a good nights sleep.  That did not happen.  I went to sleep about 10:30, only to be ripped from my sleep at just before midnight.

By the FIRE ALARM.

Yeah, not kidding.  And I totally had about a full minute where I'd bolted out of bed but really had NO idea what was happening.  I'd grabbed my glasses and even my phone, but I was looking around trying to make sense of what was happening.  I kept smacking the alarm clock (I've had alarm clocks randomly go off in hotel rooms in the middle of the night before).  Finally, I went toward the door where I could tell the fire alarm was going off everywhere.  I threw on some clothes and shoes, grabbed my coat, phone, and room key (but not my PURSE!  With ID and passport!) and headed downstairs. I was on the top floor (5th) so I went down the back step. I thought I smelled smoke, but I didn't see anything obvious.  Once outside (in the COLD), we headed around to the front of the hotel and I looked back at the front entrance.  And saw a huge wall of water.  In a few minutes, the fire department arrived and I found Anne, so we took shelter in our rental car (thank goodness she'd thought to bring the keys).  After about an hour, people seemed to be going back inside, so we followed them.  Anne went back to her room, but I admit, I was SCARED!  Not knowing for sure what had happened, I knew I was NOT going to be able to go right back to bed.  I went back to my room and decided I didn't care that I'd be charged $.89 per minute, I called Adam.  He reminded me that we wouldn't have been allowed back inside if they weren't sure everything was fine.  When we hung up, I called the front desk, just for piece of mind, and was told that there was no fire, just a burst pipe in the lobby (which explains the wall of water).  Apparently the sprinkler system (and therefore the fire alarm system) sensed the drop in water pressure and triggered the alarms.  Fire might scare me, but a broken pipe doesn't, so I finally headed to bed around 1:30-2:00 am.

Wednesday was much more uneventful, just work and then a quieter dinner with Anne at an Italian place with amazing lasagna and sangria that had little gel bubble things in it (sort of like what's in bubble tea, I think?  Weird!).  Thursday we put in another full day and then checked into a hotel near the airport for the night.  Luckily Wednesday I slept pretty good, but I woke up early on Friday morning, excited to head home!  At the airport, I got some cool souveniers for the family (a solar moose bobble head for my mom, a big wheel bus for AJ, pens for Adam and Chell, rocks and a stuffed beaver for Tyler, a magnet for my travel collection, and a beaver keychain with a moving head for Angie) and then we were off.

Anne and I made it to Chicago and said our goodbyes. It was really nice to spend time with her one on one. We had some great conversations.  I told Adam it could have easily been awkward, traveling with a boss, but it really wasn't at all.  I grabbed a sandwich and hung out at my gate until my flight.  

#airportart

We boarded pretty much on time, but it was snowing so we had to wait to be de-iced.  At first, they said it would be at least 30 minutes, but right after that, they said we'd been bumped up and would be departing soon!  About 30 minutes passed when I looked out my window and saw this:

To clarify, that is NOT our plane.

Yeah. That happened.  They de-iced the wrong plane.  I don't think that one was scheduled to go anywhere.  The pilot came on the speaker and admitted that there had been a mistake.  Awhile later, the trucks pulled up beside us....and then left again.  The pilot really seemed at a loss at that point.  I think his exact words were "I don't know what to tell you folks..."  About an hour and a half after we boarded the plane, we were finally de-iced and took off safely.

Home at last!!!  Home to these faces!

 

Seriously Six?!

I can't believe that six years ago, I became a mom!  I can't believe my sweet, smart, AMAZING Tyler is six years old today!  Last night, I told him about the day he was born and he seemed to really like to hear about it.  I told him about the snow and about our first reality check moment as parents.  This morning, I watched the clock for 6:17 am, the exact moment he entered my life.  I still can't believe how fast time flies!  Tyler, of course, had to go to school, but I was able to take a long lunch and go down to the school and take a little McDonald's and have lunch with him. It was so sweet to see him with his friends and see him be so excited to have us there (Adam came too, even though he was home sick with an awful head cold and almost no voice).  We also sent in cupcakes for his snack day in the classroom and the class all sang to him.  His best friend Lorelei made him a card and she and her mom gave him some cute little gifts and her mom video taped her singing Happy Birthday to him and posted it on face.book. It was SOOOO adorable!  Tonight, we got Steak N Shake for dinner (one of Tyler's favorites, he loves their vegetable soup, believe it or not) and then did presents and cake.  It was fun.  We also had a family party on Sunday at a pizza place nearby--a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Party of course!  It was fun and went off well, even at short notice (I booked the party on like Tuesday!).  So birthday win!

I've got more to say but I think I'm going to keep it Tyler-focused today, so stay tuned for more updates!

I will leave you with pictures!

Turtle Tyler ready for his party!

Cupcakes! Tyler prefers the icing

Turtle blimp!

Selfie with the birthday boy!

In Need of A Niche

Well the end of the year is over, which means that I will (hopefully) have more time for blogging again!  It seems like in the last year or so, this space has really become more of a journal.  I don't mind that, really, since it'll be a nice way for me to remember these times with my kids. I don't want to eliminate that, really, but the writer in me has yearned for more of a purpose for quite awhile.  I tried once, with Ask An Infertile (I still love this idea, but I didn't have much luck getting it off the ground).  I've recently fallen in love with Vloggers on YouTube, but I'm not sure I could go that route.  I'm not a super fashionista and I don't have time to do all the crafty stuff I like.  I'm fresh out of ideas for my novel too lol. 

It's strange, wanting so badly to be part of something, to contribute something, but not having FOUND the something yet.

I do hope it comes along to me someday....